Christian Finnegan - Monopoly

  • Season 9, Ep 7
  • 03/10/2005
  • Views: 10,884

There are people who are Monopoly smart and people who are Trivial Pursuit smart. (4:48)

I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

AND I'M VERY LUCKY THAT I DO.

BECAUSE I DON'T IF YOU NOTICED,

BUT I AM NOT IN THE PEAK

PHYSICAL CONDITION OF MY LIFE.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TRYING TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT.

I JOINED A GYM RECENTLY.

AND I DON'T HAVE THE BEST

HISTORY IN THE WORLD OF STICKING

WITH MY FITNESS REGIMENS.

BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS TIME'S

GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.

I FIGURE ONE OF TWO THINGS

IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

EITHER I'LL GET INTO SHAPE,

OR I'LL RESIGN MYSELF TO PAYING

AN $85 A MONTH FAT TAX.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I'LL PAY A FAT TAX--

A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF MONEY

EVERY MONTH TO FEEL OKAY ABOUT

THE NASTY PIG I AM.

THE FIRST OF THE MONTH

ROLLS AROUND-- "HERE'S YOUR $85.

NOW COULD YOU PASS THE

'TATER SKINS, PLEASE.

JUST SPRING 'EM RIGHT OVER."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'M NOT IN PARTICULARLY

GOOD SHAPE.

AND I'M NOT EXACTLY A FINANCIAL

MASTERMIND.

THIS WAS PROVEN TO ME RECENTLY

WHEN I PLAYED MONOPOLY WITH SOME

FRIENDS OF MINE.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

HAS THERE EVER BEEN A GAME OF

MONOPOLY THAT DIDN'T END WITH

A FIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED?

IT'S NEVER LIKE, "WELL I SAY,

OLD FRIEND, WONDERFUL GAME OF

MONOPOLY.

NOW, LET'S RETIRE TO THE PORCH

FOR A MINT JULEP."

NO.

USUALLY ENDS WITH SOMEONE

BEING LIKE, "[BLEEP] THIS,"

AND LIKE HITTING THE PIECES

OFF THE BOARD.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"COMMUNITY CHEST CARDS IN

THE AIR...

I HATE YOU!

I HATE ALL OF YOU!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

IT'S A CONTENTIOUS GAME--

MONOPOLY.

AND I THINK THE REASON IS

BECAUSE MONOPOLY WILL REVEAL

WHO YOU REALLY ARE WHEN IT

COMES TO FINANCIAL PLANNING.

LIKE WHATEVER YOUR RELATIONSHIP

WITH MONEY IS IN THE REAL WORLD

WILL PLAY OUT ON THE MONOPOLY

BOARD.

LIKE I'M SURE THERE ARE SOME OF

YOU OUT THERE WHO HAVE

REAL JOBS, PAY YOUR BILLS

ON TIME, DON'T OVEREXTEND

YOURSELVES.

I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE,

AND I HATE YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY GREAT AT

MONOPOLY.

BUT THEN THERE'S THAT

OTHER KIND OF GUY WHO LIKES

TO SPEND MONEY WHEN HE DOESN'T

REALLY HAVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

LIVE FOR THE MOMENT.

"WHAT, AM I GOING TO MAKE

A BUDGET?

ERRR, LIKE THAT KIND OF THING,

YOU KNOW?"

AND THAT ALSO PLAYS OUT ON

MONOPOLY BOARD.

THE FIRST HOUR-- I'M JUST BUYING

EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, I'M-- VENTNER?

ABSOLUTELY, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

ORIENTAL?

BRING IT.

COME ON.

KEEP IT GOING, MAN.

I WANT IT ALL.

LOOK MAN, I REALIZE I ONLY HAVE

$40 LEFT, BUT IT'S OKAY 'CAUSE

I'M GOING TO BE PASSING GO

IN LIKE TWO TURNS.

AND THAT'S $200 MORE

RIGHT THERE, MAN.

SO I CAN SPEND AS IF I HAVE

$240, REALLY, YOU KNOW, I MEAN

AS LONG AS I DON'T ROLL A 3, 5,

9, 11, OR 12, I'M TOTALLY OKAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CUT TO AN HOUR LATER, YOUR ONCE

PROUD FLEET OF PROPERTIES

HAS ALL BEEN MORTGAGED OFF.

AND YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE THIMBLE

IS SITTING THERE FACING

A GAUNTLET OF HOTELS BETWEEN YOU

AND THE RELATIVE SAFETY OF

LUXURY TAX.

YOU KNOW THAT POINT IN THE GAME

WHERE YOU'RE HOPING TO LAND ON

LUXURY TAX, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE

BEST OPTION?

YOU'RE LIKE, SCREW IT.

WHAT'S 10% OF $8?

I DON'T CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND EVENTUALLY THERE COMES

THAT MOMENT WHERE I LOOK DOWN AT

THE BOARD AND I SAY TO MYSELF,

"HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?

WHAT HAPPENED?"

IT'S A METAPHOR FOR MY

ADULT LIFE.

THING IS, I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I'M RATHER INTELLIGENT

AS PROVEN BY THE FACT THAT

I JUST USED THE WORD "RATHER"

IN A SENTENCE.

[CHEERING]

SO WHY DO I SUCK AT MONOPOLY,

AND BY EXTENSION ADULTHOOD?

THERE ARE GAMES I'M GREAT AT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GREAT AT?

TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AHHH, WHAT GOOD IS THAT

GOING TO DO YOU IN LIFE?

IT HAS THE WORD "TRIVIAL"

IN THE NAME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE GAME IS BASICALLY

TELLING YOU, "YOU PURSUE

TRIVIAL THINGS, TRIVIAL, AS IN

NOT IMPORTANT.

TRIVIAL, AS IN MAYBE YOU SHOULD

HAVE GONE TO GRAD SCHOOL...

POSSIBLY."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'VE DECIDED THAT THERE ARE

TWO KINDS OF INTELLIGENCE

IN THIS WORLD.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE

MONOPOLY SMART AND THERE ARE

PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIVIAL PURSUIT

SMART.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE

MONOPOLY SMART ARE THE PEOPLE

WHO THINK LONG TERM...

WHO SET A GOAL, AND ACTUALLY

DO THE THINGS TO MAKE THAT GOAL

HAPPEN...

A-[BLEEP], BASICALLY.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIVIAL

PURSUIT SMART ARE THE PEOPLE WHO

KNOW A LOT ABOUT EVERYTHING,

BUT NEVER REALLY END UP

DOING ANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE IF YOU'RE STARTING A

BUSINESS DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME.

BUT IF YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO THE

LEAD SINGER OF KAJAGOOGOO IS,

I'M YOUR GUY.

[LAUGHTER]

HIS NAME IS LIMAHL, BY THE WAY.

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