Gary Valentine - Shopping

  • Season 5 , Ep 14
  • 09/30/2001
  • Views: 4,013

Apparently, you're not allowed to lie face down on those massaging chairs in the mall. (3:20)

I'M GONNA GET ONE OF THOSE

MASSAGE CHAIRS.

THEY GOT THOSE BIG RECLINING

MASSAGE CHAIRS.

THEY ARE DELIGHTFUL.

I'M GONNA GET ONE.

I WAS IN ONE THE OTHER DAY

FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY HAVE LIKE

THE DISPLAY MODEL.

(HUMMING NOISES)

IT STARTED MAKING NOISES.

YOU KNOW, YOU FORGET,

I WAS LIKE, AAHHH!

THEY KICKED ME OUT.

APPARENTLY YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

FACE DOWN.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT PUTTING UP

A SIGN?!

CAN I HAVE MY SHIRT BACK PLEASE?

I LIKE TO SHOP.

I LIKE TO SHOP FOR CLOTHES.

HERE'S A LITTLE TIP, MAN.

PEOPLE, WHEN YOU BUY A SWEATER

FOLD IT UP PUT IT INTO THE

DRAWER.

I HUNG MINE UP.

I HAVE SHOULDER NIPPLES.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF

THEM.

YOU CAN'T SUCK THOSE THINGS OUT.

COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE WRITE

A BOOK ON HOW TO REVERSE

A SHOULDER NIPPLE?

DID A LITTLE SHOPPING FOR MY

MOM.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME RIGHT HERE?

DENISE?

HI.

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?

DENISE.

A LITTLE TWITCHY POO.

NICE TO MEET YOU DENISE.

WHEN'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

NOVEMBER WHAT?

9th?

OH, MY GOD, MY MOM'S AUGUST 1st.

(LAUGHTER)

SMALL WORLD.

SO I GO UP TO THE COUNTER TO BUY

SOME PERFUME FOR MY MOM MY

SISTER.

ALL RIGHT?

I WALK UP THERE, THE LADY'S

STANDING THERE AND SHE GOES,

"MAY I HELP YOU?"

I SAID, "YEAH, I'D LIKE TO BUY

SOME PERFUME."

REAL SNIPPY, SHE GOES,

"WELL, HOW OLD'S THE PERSON

YOU'RE BUYING FOR?"

"WHY, HOW OLD'S YOUR PERFUME?"

(LAUGHTER)

SHE GOES, "NO, NO, NO.

CERTAIN FRAGRANCES FOR CERTAIN

PEOPLE.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR MOM SMELLING

LIKE A FRENCH WHORE."

(LAUGHTER)

"UH, NO...

THAT'LL BE MY SISTER.

MOM RETIRED LAST YEAR,

THANK YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I GAVE THE PERFUME TO MY SISTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES?

SPRAYS IT ON HER WRISTS.

I GO, "YOU COMPLETELY MISSED

YOUR NECK."

(LAUGHTER)

I GIVE THE PERFUME TO MY MOM.

SHE SPRAYS IT IN FRONT OF HER

AND WALKS INTO IT.

I GO, "DID YOU THINK YOU WERE

THERE?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?"

(MAKES SPRAYING SOUND)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I CAUGHT HER PUTTING DEODORANT

ON ONE DAY.

(LAUGHTER)

SPEAKING OF DEODORANT I HAVE ONE

ARM PIT THAT SWEATS AND ONE THAT

DOESN'T.

DOES ANYBODY HAVE THAT

PARTICULAR GLAND PROBLEM?

I DO, I HAVE AN ARM PIT AND A

KNEE CAP.

AND I USE THE STICK.

I LIKE THE DEODORANT STICK.

IT'S THE BEST I THINK.

THE THING WITH THE DEODORANT

STICK...

WHAT THE HELL'S SO FUNNY?

YOU DON'T SEE ANY MALES

LAUGHING.

HE HAS WHA-- WHAT?

HE LOOKS LIKE A ROLL-ON,

LOOK AT HIM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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