Harland Williams - Getting Pulled Over

  • Season 9 , Ep 20
  • 06/23/2005
  • Views: 5,630

Cops always call you "son" when they pull you over. (2:47)

NICE AND SAFE INSIDE, THOUGH

ISN'T IT, HUH, NICE AND SAFE,

SAFE FROM THE EL QUEDAS?

[LAUGHTER]

OH YEAH, HAVE YOU HEARD THE

WORD, FRIENDS?

THE EL QUED ARE COMING TO

GET US.

EVERY TIME YOU TURN ON THE TV,

THERE THEY ARE, SWINGING ON

THE MONKEY BARS IN THEIR BLACK

BATHROBES, SOMERSAULTING OVER

THAT PIECE OF WOOD.

OOOHHH!

I'M AFRAID TO GO TO THE PARK

AND HOME DEPOT, MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M TERRIFIED.

EVERY WEEK IT'S A NEW TERROR

ALERT, ISN'T IT?

IT'S ORANGE.

IT'S GREEN.

IT'S YELLOW.

LAST WEEK IT WAS LIKE CRANBERRY

CINNAMON BUTTERSCOTCH RIPPLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.

I'M SO TERRIFIED OF EL QUEDAS

GETTING ME THIS IS WHAT I DID.

I PAINTED MY CAR WITH ARMY

CAMOUFLAGE.

I DRIVE AROUND WITH LETTUCE ON

MY FACE SO THEY CAN'T SEE ME.

I SPEED EVERYWHERE SO EL QUEDAS

CAN'T CATCH ME.

DIG THIS.

I'M GOING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

THE OTHER DAY, 110 MILES AN HOUR

IN MY CAMOUFLAGE CAR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED,

SOMEHOW A COP SAW ME.

[LAUGHTER]

HE PULLS ME OVER.

HE SAYS, "SON, DO YOU KNOW

HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING?"

I'M LIKE, "WHO YOU TALKING TO,

OFFICER?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYBODY DRIVING BY THINKS

YOU'RE TALKING TO A BLUEBERRY

BUSH, SIR."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND I LOVE THE WAY THEY CALL

YOU "SON" ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?

"YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE

GOING, SON?"

"GEE, NO, "DAD", HOW FAST WAS

I GOING?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T YOU BEND ME OVER THE

MOTORCYCLE AND SPANK ME,

YOU NAUGHTY PERVERT!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE WITH

EL QUEDAS.

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED SINCE 7/11,

HASN'T IS?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T FLY ANYWHERE ANYMORE.

EVERYONE'S ALL UPTIGHT AT THE

AIRPORT.

HOLY GOD, ON A THREE-DOLLAR

GUMBALL MACHINE.

I HAD TO GO THROUGH SECURITY

THE OTHER DAY AT THE AIRPORT.

THESE GUYS ARE UPTIGHT.

I'M GOING THROUGH SECURITY,

RIGHT, THE GUY LOOKS AT ME.

ME!

HE SAYS TO ME, HE SAYS,

"HEY BUDDY, ARE YOU AN ILLEGAL

ALIEN?"

I LOOKED AT HIM RIGHT IN THE

EYES AND I SAID,

[CHEWBACA NOISES]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEWBACA NOISES CONTINUE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

OH YEAH, THAT GOT ME RIGHT

THROUGH, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, IT'S A CRAZY WORLD,

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