Greg Fitzsimmons - Mixed Faith

  • Season 10 , Ep 8
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 4,284

Greg brings his son to church. (2:39)

LIKE SOME IRISH PEOPLE-- THEY THINK THEY'RE DIVINE.

THEY THINK THAT THE IRISH ARE THE HIGHEST OF THE CATHOLICS.

LIKE THEY'RE JUST-- MIX A LEPRECHAUN WITH JESUS AND THAT'S WHAT A--

IT'S JUST VERY SPECIAL.MY MOTHER'S LIKE,

YOU'LL NOTICE A LOT OF IRISH PEOPLE BORN RIGHT AROUND CHRISTMAS.

AND THEN I GOT OLD ENOUGH TO READ A CALENDAR, I REALIZED

THAT CHRISTMAS IS NINE MONTHSAFTER ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

SO, REALLY, IT HAS A LOT LESS TO DO WITH SOME KIND OF DIVINE INTERVENTION,

AND A LOT MORE TO DO WITH ADRUNKEN FIGHT AT A BLARNEY STONE

FOLLOWED BY SOME SLOPPYMAKE-UP SEX WITH NO PROTECTION.

[CHEERS, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

SO MY MOTHER WAS ESPECIALLY NOTEXCITED WHEN I MARRIED A JEW.

I CAN SAY "JEW" BECAUSE I MARRIED ONE.

IF YOU'RE DATING YOU HAVE TO SAY, "YES, SHE'S 'JEWISH.'"

WHEN YOU GET MARRIED YOU'RE LIKE, "JEW."

WHAT'S FOR DINNER, "JEW?"THANKS FOR KILLING JESUS, "JEW."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO MY MOTHER'S UPSETTHAT I'M NOT RAISINGMY KIDS TO BE CATHOLIC.

I'VE GOT TWO KIDS, THEY'RE 5 AND 2 YEARS OLD AND I SAID TO MY MOTHER,

"WELL, LOOK, I'LL EXPOSE MY SON TO IT.

IF HE LIKES IT, HE LIKES IT. BECAUSE I'M NOT AGAINST IT,

IT'S JUST THAT I'M RAISING MY KID

TO BE GOOD AND KIND AND LOVING.

BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

THEY HAVE TO ALSO BELIEVE IN MAGIC.

SO I SAY, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE 'EM TO CHURCH ONCE,

IF HE LIKES IT, I'LL SIGN 'EM UP.

I'LL GET 'EM IN THE PROGRAM. AND I'LL TAKE 'EM ON EASTER

'CAUSE THAT'S LIKE THE SUPER BOWL FOR KIDS AT CHURCH.

THAT'S THE MOST FUN DAY. YOU GOT THE CHOCOLATE RABBIT. YOU'VE GOT THE PAINTED EGGS.

ALL THE IMPORTANT RELIGIOUS ICONS ARE THERE ON EASTER.

AND WE GO TO CHURCH AND WE WALK IN

AND THE KIDS AREWEARING THE FUN HATSAND THE CHOIR'S SINGING,

AND HE'S LIGHTING CANDLES AND HE LOVES IT.

AND THEN HE SITS DOWN,HE LOOKS UP AT THE WALL,

AND HE SEES THE CRUCIFIX. AND HE JUST GOES PALE.

AND I SAID, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"

AND HE GOES,"I'M SCARED."AND I SAY, "WHY ARE YOU SCARED?"

HE GOES, "I'M SCARED OF JESUS."

AND I SAID, "WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF JESUS AND HE GOES,

"'CAUSE HE'S GOT NO SHIRT AND HE'S GOT OWIES ON HIS HANDS

AND HE LOOKS ANGRY."I'M LIKE, "YOU'RE RIGHT.

LET'S GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND ALL DAY LONG HE JUST KEPT TALKING ABOUT THAT IMAGE.

IT WAS JUST LIKE BURNED IN HIS BRAIN YOU KNOW.

SO FINALLY I TOOK 'EMTO A MOVIE THAT NIGHTJUST TO CLEAR HIS HEAD.

WE SAW THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST AND...

AND I JUST THINK, YOU KNOW I'M NOT AGAINST RELIGION,

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