Jeff Ross - License and Registration

Season 1, Ep 0101 07/17/2002 Views: 4,807

Pot makes you paranoid. (2:17)

Think this would work as a

pickup line?

Think this would work?

What's your name?

Relax, buddy.

What's your name?

Are you high?

You can tell me.

Come on.

Pot makes you paranoid.

You ever notice that?

I was driving my car one time...

I only got high once in my life,


And I'm driving my car, right?

It makes you paranoid.

Because the weatherman came on

the radio and said, "High in the


And how the hell does he know,

you know?

( laughter )

Pulls me over, right?

Big fat cop pulls me... they

hate to be called "Cop."

Police officer.

Are there any police officers


Big fatass pulls me over.

I'm just kidding, man.

( cheers and applause )

Where are you a police officer

at, sir?


Screw it.

( laughter )

All right, back to the story.

So I get pulled over, right?

Big, fat police officer pulls me

over, right?

And I'm stoned, you know?

He goes, "You know how fast you

were going back there?"

And I tried to say, "I don't


But it came out...

( laughter )


( laughter )

He gets all mad.

"Let's see some license and


I thought he said, "Let's see

some masturbation."

( laughter )

So I whipped it out.

I've got points.

I can't screw around, right?

He took one look at my penis and

he said, "Is everything a joke

with you?"

I'm very shy around women, you


Like, I'm very, like... I mean,

I had a girlfriend once who was

kind of kinky, you know?

She used to say this.

You ever hear this?

"Talk dirty to me.

Talk dirty to me."

You never hear the opposite.

"Hey, baby, talk clean to me."

"Oh, my God, I want to meet your


I want to walk around the mall

wearing matching sweatshirts and

take you to that Michael Bolton


Oh, my god, I'm going to come to

your house for Christmas."