Kathleen Madigan - The Unexplainable

  • Season 3 , Ep 5
  • 07/04/2000
  • Views: 12,779

MY BROTHERS, YOU KNOW, THEY'REVERY SCIENTIFIC ABOUT IT.

I GO, "WELL, WHAT IF THERE ARE?

"WHAT IFTHEY'RE JUST SMARTER THAN US,

AND THAT'S WHYWE DON'T KNOW THEY'RE HERE?

"LIKE, FISH DON'T KNOWWE'RE UP HERE,

"BUT WE'RE CERTAINLYSNAGGING THEM

WHENEVER THE HELLWE FEEL LIKE IT."

I GO,"I'LL BET IF WE DRAIN THE OCEAN,

"WE'D FIND, LIKE,20 TRILLION TINY POSTERS--

PICTURES OF FISHTHAT JUST SAY, MISSING."

[laughter]

THANK YOU.

THAT ONE TOOK YOU GUYS AWHILE.

SOME PEOPLE REALLY WEREN'TIN SYNC ON THAT.

'CAUSE I BET EVERY TIMEWE CATCH A FISH,

THEM OTHER FISH ARE JUSTSWIMMING AROUND GOING,

"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.WHERE'D BILL GO?"

AND YOU KNOWWHEN WE THROW BILL BACK,

THE OTHER FISH DO NOT BELIEVEHIS STORY ABOUT WHERE HE WAS.

[laughter and applause]

SOME PEOPLE THINK THE GOVERNMENTKNOWS THERE'S ALIENS.

MY ONE NEIGHBOR THINKS THAT.

I GO,"WHY WOULDN'T THEY TELL US?"

HE GOES,"IT WOULD MESS UP RELIGION.

PEOPLE WOULD FREAK OUT."

I GO, "WHY?IF GOD MADE US, GOD MADE THEM.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?"

I MEAN, THAT'S IF YOU BELIEVEGOD MADE US, WHICH I DO,

ONLY 'CAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTANDEVOLUTION.

ALL THROUGH SCHOOL, I JUST KEPTRAISING MY HAND GOING,

"I HAVE A QUESTION.

"IF WE CAME FROM MONKEYS,COULD YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME,

WHY ARE THERE STILL MONKEYS?"

THEY JUST COULDN'TGET OVER THE HUMP, YOU KNOW?

GEORGE BUSH, JR. MADE IT.

WHAT'S UP WITH THEIR ORANGUT--

[applause]

GEORGE BUSH, JR.--

I ACTUALLY READ HIS BOOK--IN THE STORE.

'CAUSE IT'S A POP-UP.

JUST SAYS, "I'M GEORGE,I'M GEORGE,

"I AM, I AM,

I LIKE GREEN EGGS,AND I LIKE GREEN HAM."

[laughter]

THE REAL THING I DON'TUNDERSTAND ABOUT EVOLUTION--

PEOPLE GO--IT'S NOTTHAT I EVEN DISAGREE WITH IT,

BUT PEOPLE GO, "IT TOOK MILLIONSAND MILLIONS OF YEARS.

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, STILL, THOUGH,

"ONE DAY,A MONKEY MADE IT OVER THE HUMP.

"ONE DAY A MONKEYCOULD WALK AND TALK

AND WAS, LIKE, HUMAN."

AND I SAY,"WHAT IF YOU WERE THAT MONKEY?

LIKE, WHAT IF YOU WERE THE ONEWHO MADE IT OVER THE HUMP,

BUT YOUR FAMILY DIDN'T?

HOW EMBARRASSINGWOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?

HAVING TO TRY TO BRING A DATEHOME AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT.

"OH, LOOK, BEFORE WE GO IN THEHOUSE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW,

"IF MY DAD THROWS [bleep]AT YOU,

"JUST THROW IT BACK.

"HE THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS.

"MY MOM'S GOING TO TRYTO PICK CRAP OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

"JUST LET HER DO IT.

THAT'S IF SHE GETS OUT OF THETIRE SWING, WHICH IS VERY RARE."

I THINK THERE'S ALIENS, AND ITHINK PEOPLE ARE BEING ABDUCTED.

I COMPLETELY BELIEVE IN THAT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY,"OH, IMPOSSIBLE."

AND I GO, "LOOK AT USCATCHING FISH.

"SOMETIMES WHEN WE CATCH A FISH,WE DON'T THROW IT BACK.

"WE KEEP IT AS A PETIN AN AQUARIUM.

"THE FISH IN THE OCEAN DON'TKNOW THAT THEIR FRIEND IS OKAY

"IN ANOTHER DIMENSION.

THEY ASSUME HE'S DEAD'CAUSE HE'S MISSING."

LIKE, WE ALWAYS THINKOUR MISSING PEOPLE--

AFTER A WHILE, WE GO,"WELL, THEY'RE PROBABLY DEAD."

AND I THINK,WELL, WHAT IF THEY'RE NOT?

WHAT IF THEY WERE JUST SNAGGED,

AND THEY ARE NOW PETSON OTHER PLANETS?

WHAT IF THERE'S MARTIANSLOOKING IN TERRARIUMS GOING,

"WOW, LOOK AT THAT IRISH ONE.IT'S STILL DRINKING.

"ALL THE OTHER ONES FELL DOWNHOURS AGO.

[laughter]

"THAT MEXICAN ONE WON'T GET UPBETWEEN 2:00 AND 4:00.

THAT CHINESE ONE WON'T QUITYELLING AT EITHER ONE OF THEM."

HEY, GUYS, THAT'S ALL MY TIME.THANKS A LOT.

[applause]

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