John Mulaney - New in Town

01/28/12 Views: 132,912

A homeless man pushes John Mulaney and tells him several personal details in an illogical order. (2:29)

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I LIVE IN NEW YORK, NOW.

AND SOMETIMES YOU SEE THINGSTHAT CAN MAKE YOU ANXIOUS.

YOU'LL SEE TROUBLING THINGSOUT ON THE STREET.

YEARS AGO, I WAS WALKINGDOWN THE STREET

AND A HOMELESS GUYCAME UP TO ME

AND HE WALKED UP TO MEAND HE PUSHED ME LIKE THAT.

HE PUSHED ME IN THE CHEST.

AND THEN HE SAIDTHESE THINGS IN THIS ORDER.

PUSHED ME AND HE SAID"EXCUSE ME, I AM HOMELESS.

"I AM GAY.I HAVE AIDS.

I'M NEW IN TOWN."

YOU'RE GONNA CLOSE WITH"NEW IN TOWN"?

THAT IS NOT THE MOST DRAMATICTHING THAT YOU JUST SAID.

AS THEY SAY IN THE MOVIE JERRY MAGUIRE,

"YOU HAD ME AT AIDS."

HERE'S HOW I WOULD'VEORDERED THOSE THINGS.

I WOULD'VE SAID"EXCUSE ME.

I'M NEW IN TOWNAND IT GETS WORSE."

DIDN'T THAT GUY PRACTICEHIS PITCH AT ALL

IN THE MIRROR THAT MORNING

AND JUST FIGURE OUTWHAT HE WAS GONNA SAY?

JUST LIKE IN THE MORNINGJUST BE LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,WHAT AM I GONNA DO TODAY?

"WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

"I'LL WALK UP AND SAY HELLO.NO, THAT'S TOO SUBTLE.

I'M GONNA PUSH HIM."

"I'M GONNA PUSH HIM.

"AND I'M GONNA SAY,'I'M NEW IN TOWN.'

"NO, NO, HOLD BACK.HOLD BACK.

SAVE IT.BUILD TO THAT."

I'LL BE LIKE,I'LL WALK UP TO HIM,

I'LL PUSH HIM.

I'LL GO, "I HAVE AIDS."

NO, THAT'S TOO STRONG.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL WALK UP TO HIMAND--AND I'LL PUSH HIM.

I WILL START WITH THE FACTTHAT I AM HOMELESS,

AS THAT IS A GIVEN.

THEN, FOR A BACK STORY,

I WILL PEPPER IN THE FACTTHAT I AM GAY.

WHICH I KNOW, IT'S TOUGHFOR GAY YOUTHS ON THE STREET,

BUT THAT'S NOT, LIKE,A REASON FOR MONEY.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE,"HEY, WOULD YOU HELP ME OUT?

I'M VERY GAY.I'D LIKE A FEW DOLLARS."

I ALWAYS LOVE HOWHE PHRASED IT, BY THE WAY.

HE DIDN'T SAY,"I'M LIVING ON THE STREET."

HE SAID, "I'M NEW IN TOWN,"

LIKE IT WAS INTRIGUING.

LIKE HE WANTED ME TOSET HIM UP WITH SOMEBODY.

LIKE I HAVE A FRIENDWHO'S LIKE,

"THERE'S NO SINGLE GUYSLEFT IN MANHATTAN."

AND I'M LIKE, "I KNOW SOMEONEWHO'S NEW IN TOWN."

"WHAT ARE THREE OTHER THINGSABOUT HIM?"

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