John Caparulo - Lazy Guy

  • Season 10 , Ep 15
  • 04/06/2006
  • Views: 27,840

It's hard to recover after a swan bites you. (2:15)

I CAN'T GO TO WORK. I'M TOO LAZY TO GO TO WORK.

ANYBODY ELSE LAZY-- LAZY PEOPLE?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - SOME OF YOU CAN HARDLY CLAP.

- ALL RIGHT. I DON'T-- WOO! - [LAUGHTER]

I'M LAZY. WHEN YOU GO TO BED

AND START SETTIN'YOUR ALARM CLOCK FOR PM.WHY EVEN SET IT ALL?

I'M SETTING IT FOR LIKE 1:30 THE OTHER DAY AND GO,

I DON'T WANNA OVERSLEEP OR NOTHIN'.

[LAUGHTER]

MY LAST JOB I WORKED AT A GOLF COURSE.

I HAD TO BE AT WORKAT 5:00 IN THE MORNING. THAT'S EARLY.

ROOSTERS LOOK AT YOU AND GO, "WHAT THE [BLEEP] ARE YOU

DOING UP RIGHT NOW, DUDE? THIS IS EARLY, DUDE."

AND THEN, YOU KNOW THE GOLF COURSE WASN'T THAT BAD, BUT DUDE

- I GOT BIT BY A SWAN. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU DON'T REALLY RECOVER FROM THAT EITHER.

LIKE WHO DO YOU TRUST AFTER THAT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'D RATHERGET ATTACKED BY A BEAR,

YOU GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR, YOU MIGHT LOOSE AN EYE,

BUT YOU GOT A STORY AT LEAST. LIKE, WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW?

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SCAR?" SWAN-- [BLEEP] SWAN. YEAH.

YEAH. THERE WAS FEATHERS AND STUFF EVERYWHERE.

YOU WANNA DANCE? NO. ALL RIGHT. SWEET.

YOU DON'T TAKE THAT SERIOUSLY WHILE IT'S HAPPENING EITHER,

'CAUSE THAT'S NOT A BIRD OF PREY.

THAT'S A LAWN ORNAMENT. THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO ATTACK.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS THEY LAY THEIR EGGS

AND THE MALE GETS REAL PROTECTIVE,

AND NOBODY TOLD ME THAT [BLEEP].

I'M MOWING BY THE POND.ALL OF A SUDDEN

THIS SWAN'S GOT BEEF,'CAUSE I'M IN HIS HOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LIKE, IS HE SERIOUS 'CAUSE I GOT A LAWN MOWER.

I'M BIGGER THAN HIM. HE'S A PUNK ASS SWAN. I MEAN, REALLY.

AND YOU DON'T WANNA RUN FROM HIM,

'CAUSE THAT'LL LOOK STUPID. SO, YOU HOLD YOUR GROUND.

SCREW HIM. IT'S A BIRD.I CAN TAKE HIM.

SEE HE DIDN'T SEE IT THAT WAY, ALL RIGHT?

HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH. HE JUST HAULS ASS,

LIKE, KI-KI-KI-KI. OH!

THAT'S THE POINT WHERE IT DAWNS ON YOU WHERE YOUR LIFE'S AT.

I HAVE FRIENDS WITH REAL JOBSTHAT GO TO WORK GOING,

"I HOPE THERE'S NO TRAFFICON THE WAY TO THE OFFICE TODAY."

AND, I'M, "BOY, I HOPE I DON'T GET ATTACKED

BY A BIG [BLEEP] DUCK TODAY 'CAUSE THAT'D REALLY SUCK."

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