Norm Macdonald - Hypnotist

Norm Macdonald & Diane Nichols Season 1, Ep 0135 02/24/1992 Views: 6,770

Norm went to a hypnotist to quit smoking. (2:57)

I'M, UH, TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING.

EVER TRY THAT?

THAT'S A HELL OF A THING, OH!

I BEEN SMOKINGSINCE I WAS KID.

I ALWAYS REMEMBER SMOKING...

I REMEMBER ONE TIME,I WAS A LITTLE KID.

I WAS SIX OR EIGHT OR TENOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS--EVEN NUMBER--

I WAS BEHIND MY GARAGESNEAKING A CIGARETTE--

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT--MY DAD SHOWED UP.

I MAY FORGET ONE DAY,BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

MY DAD'S BIG HEAD SHOWED UPAROUND THE CORNER OF THE GARAGE.

THERE IT WAS--MY DAD'S BIG HEAD.

AND THEN HIS BODY.

THERE WAS HIS BODYTRAILING HIS HEAD.

SO HE GRABBED MEAND HE HAULED ME IN

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN FORTHE STRAPPING OF MY LIFE.

HE PULLED OUT THIS BIG CIGAR--

MUST HAVE BEEN HALFTHE SIZE OF MY ARM--

STUCK IT IN MY MOUTH,LIT IT UP, MADE ME SMOKE IT

ALL THE WAY THROUGH,RIGHT TO THE END.

THAT'S WHEN I STARTEDSMOKING CIGARS REAL HEAVY.

( laughter )

BACKFIRED ON HIM.

THEN THERE WAS ANOTHER TIME,NOW THAT I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME, BUTI WAS BEHIND MY GARAGE AGAIN.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT.

THERE I WAS, AND I WAS SMOKINGA BIG, FAT JOINT BACK THERE.

AND, UH-- DON'T DO DRUGS--

AND MY DAD...

( laughter )

MY DAD'S BIG HEADSHOWED UP AGAIN.

NO BODY THIS TIME.

JUST A BIG HEAD.

THAT'S THE FUNNY PART.

AND HE GRABBED MEAND HE HAULED ME IN

AND I THOUGHT I WAS IN FORTHE STRAPPING OF MY LIFE.

HE INJECTED ME WITH HEROIN.

( laughter )

OH...

HE WAS A STRICT MAN,I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

STRICT BUT FAIR.

OH, LORD LOVE A DUCK, THOUGH.

TRYING TO QUIT.

EVERYTHING I CAN DOTO QUIT SMOKING.

MY DOCTOR, HE'S TRYINGTO SCARE ME OUT OF SMOKING.

MY DOC... SHOWED ME A PICTURE--A SMOKER'S LUNG.

HO! IT WAS GROSSAND DISGUSTING.

THEN HE SHOWED ME A PICTURE,HEALTHY GUY'S LUNG.

HO! IT WAS GROSSAND DISGUSTING.

( laughter )

TURNS OUT IT WAS JUST LUNGS.

THEY'RE GROSS AND DISGUSTING.

THAT'S WHY THEY PUT THEMON THE INSIDE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOKAT THEM ALL THE TIME.

PUT THEM UNDER YOUR JACKET.

TRIED THIS ONE THING TO QUITSMOKING-- AVERSION THERAPY.

I WENT TO THIS HYPNOTIST.

HE PUT ME UNDER A SPELL

ONE OF THEM HYPNOTICHYPNOSISES THERE.

AND EVERY TIME I HADA CRAVING FOR A CIGARETTE

I WOULD THROW UP.

( laughter )

VERY EMBARRASSING RIGHTAFTER SEX, I'LL TELL YOU.

( laughter )

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

FIND IT PRETTY HARD TO GETTHAT SECOND DATE AFTER THAT.

THEY DON'T WANT TO GO NEAR YOU.

GIRLS GET ALL SNOBBY AFTERYOU BARF ON THEM, YOU KNOW?

ALL NOSE UP IN THE AIR, SNOOTY.

FINE WHEN YOU'RE NOTBARFING ON THEM.