Not lonely, just single.
I decided I should try to getmyself in a relationship.
I started asking all my buddieswho are married
"How do you hang onto your girl forever?"
That's a good question, right?
"How you hang onto your girl forever?"
And they all tell methe same thing.
"Gerard, you want to hang onto your girl forever,
you got to do a lot of stuffyou don't want to damn do."
Right? So I composedand compiled several lists
of the things that I don'tlike to do in life.
And at the top of every listis talking on the phone.
I have never liked talking on...
Do you remember when you werein the seventh grade
when the phone first came out?
Y'all remember that?
We on the phone foreverin the seventh grade, right?
12 years old, you haven'taccomplished a thing in life,
but every time you get home,you run upstairs, slam the door
and talk on the phone.You talk on the phone all night.
Fell asleep on the phonein the seventh grade.
Anybody here ever fall asleepon the phone?
Everybody here fell asleepon the phone.
And this was the conversationthat did it.
"Uh-uh, you hang up first.""No, you hang up first."
"No, you hang up first.""No, you hang up first."
Sleep on the phone.Daddy mad as hell.
"Hang that damn phone upand go to bed.
Wash it off and go to bed."
Hate talking on the phone,especially to women.
'Cause you talk a lot.
You do, and I'm not hereto bash you, it is the truth.
Every man in this room knows it.
As a matter of fact,I don't even do impressions,
but tonight I'm going to doan impression.
Ladies, tonightI am your boyfriend
when he's with his friendand your ass calls.
Everybody got that?I'm your boyfriend.
I'm with my friendsand you call.
Yeah, that was a bad game.
Hold on one second.My phone is ringing.
It's not a problemthat you talk a lot, ladies.
It is a factthat you talk a lot.
The problem is that y'allare not understanding, aware
from the point at whichyour phone conversation
goes from being just that,mere phone conversation
to start soundingjust like a motorcycle.
Now, fellas, it's the same timeyou're on the other line
considering shooting yourselfin the face.
You can't believe that she's notpaying attention to the fact
that you're notpaying attention to her.
You can't believethat 45 minutes ago
you put the phone down, wentto the garage, changed the oil,
cut the grass,smoked a bag of weed,
came back, picked the phone up,she didn't even know you left.
She's still talking.
"And then..." "And then...""And then..."
(imitates motorcycle revving)
Like, oh, my God, she just dida wheelie in my ear.
She just did the Supermanseat grab in my...