Better Call Foul

February 25, 2015 - Conan O'Brien 02/25/2015 Views: 1,021,109

Conservatives suggest that Jon's liberal bias has poisoned the Republican brand and negatively impacted political discourse. (10:00)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: HEY.

WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

MY NAME IS JON STEWART.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT, CONAN O'BRIEN.

HE'S GOING TO BE JOINING USLATER ON.

BUT FIRST, AS MANY OF YOU KNOW,SO I RECENTLY ANNOUNCED I WAS

GOING TO BE LEAVING THE SHOWHERE TO JOIN A MONASTERY.

SEE, SOMEBODY LET ME KNOW THATTHE ACTUAL DEFINITION OF A

MOMENT OF ZEN IS REALLY MORESATISFYING THAN A

FOUR TO 11-SECOND CLIP OF AREPORTER SOMEWHERE

TRIPPING OVER THEIR DICK.

SO ANYWAY, MY ANNOUNCEMENT OFLEAVING DID NOT GO UNNOTICED.

>> JON STEWART'S SURPRISEANNOUNCEMENT.

>> 16 YEARS AS THE HOST OF THE"DAILY SHOW."

NOW HE'S STEPPING ASIDE.

>> I DON'T THINK OVERALL HE'SBEEN A FORCE FOR GOOD BECAUSE I

THINK ESPECIALLY IN HIS LATERYEARS HE GOT A LITTLE NASTY.

>> Jon: A LITTLE NASTY!

NOT A FORCE FOR GOOD!

OKAY, I CAN HANDLE THAT.

( LAUGHTER )BUT MEGYN, "IN HIS LATER YEARS."

( LAUGHTER )I AM ONLY 52.

I GOT FOUR TO FIVE PRODUCTIVEYEARS LEFT, AND THEN ABOUT 10 TO

15 THAT ARE MOSTLY EHHH.

AND THEN I GUESS, YOU KNOW, THELAST FOUR OR FIVE ANGRY,

CONFUSED YEARS, OR AS THEY'RESOMETIMES REFERRED TO,

THE FOX NEWS VIEWER DEMO YEARS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUSTKIDDING.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

EVERYBODY'S ENTITLED TO THEIROPINION.

>> WHAT HE ADDED TO OURPOLITICAL DISCOURSE WAS LARGELY

SARCASM, INSULTS, AND DISHONESTEDITING.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S CLEARLYSELECTIVE EDITING OF CLIPS.

>> I CAN SPEAK PERSONALLY TO ALOT OF THE ATTACKS THAT WERE

LEVIED ON ME HAD NO FOOTHOLDS INTHE FACTS.

>> WHY I -- DISHONEST AND NOFOOTHOLD IN THE FACT?

YOU HAVE CASTED ASPERSIONS UPONMY HONOR!

( LAUGHTER )AND I DEMAND SATISFACTION!

( LAUGHTER )I CHALLENGE YOU, FOX NEWS TO A

LIE-OFF.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YOUR DISTORTIONS AND LACK OFFACT FOOTHOLDS AGAINST MINE.

TO START US OFF HERE ARE 50 OFYOURS IN SIX SECOND VINE.

( CLOCK TICKING )( LAUGHTER )

PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAMEFROM.

ONLY HAVE A 22-MINUTE SHOW.

ACTUALLY YOU JUST GO TO THE WEBSITE AND PURUSE EACH LIE AT YOUR

LEISURE.

YOU SEE, SOMETHING OF ACONVENTIONAL WISDOM ABOUT THIS

SHOW HAS TAKEN HOLD ON THERIGHT, A THOUGHT THEY'VE BECOME

SO COMFORTABLE WITH THEY DON'TFEEL THE NEED TO EVEN OFFER

EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT IT,THAT WE LIE AND DISTORT

THINGS ALL THE TIME TO MAKETHEM LOOK BAD.

IT'S PERHAPS BEST SUMMED UP BYTHIS FELLA HERE.

>> JON STEWART HAS HELP TOPOLARIZE THE COUNTRY BY

POISONING THE REPUBLICAN BRAND.

OH, YES.

>> Jon: POISONING THEREPUBLICAN BRAND!

( LAUGHTER )YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS BRAND

RIGHT HERE.

>> THE COLLEGE CO-ED, SUSANFLUKE, WHO GOES BEFORE A

CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE ANDESSENTIALLY SAYS THAT SHE MUST

BE PAID TO HAVE SEX.

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HER?

IT MAKES HER A SHUT, RIGHT?

IF ANY RACE OF PEOPLE SHOULDNOT HAVE GUILT ABOUT SLAVERY,

IT'S CAUCASIANS.

OBAMA'S ENTIRE ECONOMIC PROGRAMIS REPARATIONS.

HU JINTAO WAS JUST GOING CHINGCHONG CHING CHONG CHING CHONG

CHING BA BA.

HE IS MOVING ALL AROUND ANDSHAKING AND IT'S PURELY AN ACT.

THIS IS REALLY SHAMELESS OFMICHAEL J. FOX.

>> Jon: WE POISONED THATBRAND.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, LET MEASK YOU A QUESTION-- AND I MEAN

THIS SINCERELY-- HOW DO YOUPOISON A CYANIDE FACTORY?

( LAUGHTER )BUT SEE THE LITTLE GAME THAT

THEY PLAY HERE IS THE ONLYREASON THE RIGHT LOOKS BAD IS

THAT THESE GUYS ARE UNFAIRLIARS TO US.

BY THE WAY, THAT SENTIMENT ISBROUGHT TO YOU BY ARBY'S.

ARBY'S, PROVE JON STEWART CANNOTDESTROY A BRAND BY TELLING

PEOPLE WHAT'S IN IT.

PIG ANUS AND CHEESE! PIG ANUSAND CHEESE!

MY POINT IS--( LAUGHTER )

WE DON'T LIE.

WE DON'T DISTORT.

WE ACTUALLY HAVE A FELLOW WHOWORKS IN THE BUILDING WHO USES

EVERY FIBER OF HIS BEING TOPREVENT US FROM DOING SO.

THAT MORAL BASTARD!

THAT-->> JON.

>> Jon: WHAT?

>> ACTUALLY, MY PARENTS WEREMARRIED SO TECHNICALLY I'M NOT A

BASTARD.

>> Jon: FINE!

IT JUST WAS A FIGURE OF SPEECH!

THE POINT IS ON THE RIGHTTHEY'RE PRETENDING THAT OUR

TRUTHFULNESS IS WHAT'S REALLYIMPORTANT TO THEM, WHICH

IRONICALLY IS NOT TRUE.

WHAT MATTERS TO THE RIGHT ISDISCREDITING ANYTHING THAT THEY

BELIEVE HARMS THEIR SIDE.

THAT'S THEIR PRIME DIRECTIVE.

AND UNLIKE CAPTAIN KIRK, THEY( BLEEP ) STICK WITH THE PRIME

DIRECTIVE.

THEY DON'T JUST DROP THEPROTOCOL ANY TIME THEY FEEL LIKE

HUMPING A GREEN GIRL IN AUNITARD.

LOOK, THIS MISSION DRIVES THEIRATTACK ON ALL THE INSTITUTIONS

THAT FORM THE FOUNDATION OF THECOUNTRY THEY PURPORT TO LOVE SO

DEARLY.

>> OUR BIG AND VERY BROKENGOVERNMENT GOT BIGGER AND MORE

BROKEN.

>> AMERICANS STUDENTS WHOARE ALREADY SUFFERING IN A

BROKEN EDUCATION SYSTEM.

>> TEACHERS SUGGESTING AMERICAIS EVIL.

>> AMERICA'S ELECTION SYSTEM,BROKEN.

>> SCIENCE ITSELF SEEMS A LITTLEBIT CORRUPT.

THERE'S A LOT OF AGENDASINVOLVED.

>> VOTER FRAUD IS RAMPANT.

>> Jon: AND WHAT PRAYTELL, IS WRONG WITH THESE

INSTITUTIONS?

>> THE LIBERAL BIAS ANDANTI-AMERICANISM IS INFULTRATING

AMERICA'S PUBLIC SCHOOLS.

>> ARE LIBERALS IGNORING SCIENCETO PUSH THEIR AGENDA?

>> THE LIBERAL LEFT IS TRYING TODESTROY TOO MANY GOOD THINGS

ABOUT OUR COUNTRY.

>> CURE THE CANCER OF LIBERALISMTHAT HAS AMERICA ON HER KNEES.

>> Jon: ON HER KNEES!

( BLEEP )

ALL OF OUR LIBERAL DICKS!

ALL OF THEM!

EACH INSTITUTION SUFFERING FROMTHE SAME MALADY OF LIBERALISM

AND WHAT CAN BE DONE?

THIS IS THEIR GENIUS.

THEY PURPORT TO WANT TO FIXTHINGS BUT CONSERVATIVES ARE NOT

LOOKING TO MAKE EDUCATION MORERIGOROUS AND INFORMATIVE.

OR SCIENCE MORE EMPIRICAL ORVERIFIABLE.

OR VOTING MORE REPRESENTATIVE.

OR THE GOVERNMENT MORE EFFICIENTOR EFFECTIVE.

THEY JUST WANT ALL THOSE THINGSTO REINFORCE THEIR PARTISAN

IDEOLOGICAL CONSERVATIVEVIEWPOINTS.

BECAUSE IN THEIR MINDS THEOPPOSITE OF BAD ISN'T GOOD.

THE OPPOSITE OF BAD ISCONSERVATIVE.

THE OPPOSITE OF WRONG ISN'TRIGHT.

WELL, OKAY, BUT YOU GET MYPOINT!

IT'S RIGHT WING.

THEY JUDGE SOLELY ON THE LEVELOF CONSERVATIVE CONTENT IN

EVERYTHING.

IT'S THEIR ONLY LITMUS TEST,EVEN STUPID ( BLEEP ).

>> IF YOU THOUGHT "AMERICANSNIPER" SUCCESS MEANT HOLLYWOOD

WAS GETTING LESS LIBERAL, YOUDIDN'T SEE THE OSCARS LAST

NIGHT.

>> THE MEGAHIT SNUBBED ON SUNDAYNIGHT AT THE OSCARS.

>> OH, CLINT EASTWOOD, YEAH, HESPOKE UP FOR THE REPUBLICAN

PARTY.

WE DON'T LIKE HIM SO MUCH.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A POINT WITHTHAT.

>> IS CLINT EASTWOOD THE PROBLEMWITH "AMERICAN SNIPER"

DO YOU THINK? BECAUSEHE WAS AT THE R.N.C.,

TALKING TO THE CHAIR?

>> PROBABLY.

>> Jon: CLINT EASTWOOD HASBEEN A CONSERVATIVE ICON FOR

YEARS.

OSCAR HAS ALREADY AWARDED HIMWITH BEST DIRECTOR AND

BEST PICTURE DURING THAT TIME.

THE LEFT-WING LOONS INHOLLYWOOD MADE THE ( BLEEP )

MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE ANDNOMINATED FOR BEST PICTURE.

FINE, HOLLYWOOD DIDN'T GIVE BESTPICTURE TO "AMERICAN SNIPER" SO

THEY MUST HATE AMERICA.

NO, THEY DIDN'T EVEN GIVE BESTPICTURE TO THE BEST PICTURE.

OH, SO GOOD. "BOYHOOD" WAS SOGOOD.

I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE IF OSCARNOMINATIONS WERE BASED ON

LIBERAL STREET CRED--( CRYING )

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )YOU CAN STREAM IT ON iTUNES AND

IT'S AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY.

IT'S AN EXCELLENT ST. PATRICK'SDAY GIFT.

( LAUGHTER )AND YOU KNOW THE SADDEST PART OF

ALL THIS?

REPUBLICANS, CONSERVATIVES ARESO ( BLEEP ) RELENTLESS IN THEIR

DRIVE FOR IDEOLOGICAL PURITY,THAT THOSE INSTITUTIONS THEY

COMPLAIN ABOUT CONTINUE TO CAVEFOR THE SAME REASON I GUESS THAT

YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO END UP GOINGTO THE RESTAURANT THE

FOUR-YEAR-OLD WANTS TO GO TO.

FINE!

WE'RE GOING TO GET FRIBBLESAGAIN!

JUST STOP CRYING!

15 STATES HAVE APPROVED VOTERI.D. LAWS IN THE ABSENCE OF

ANY MEANINGFUL EVIDENCE OF VOTERFRAUD.

AN OKLAHOMA STATE HOUSECOMMITTEE VOTED TO BAN

A.P. HISTORY FOR NOT SUGARCOATING SLAVERY ENOUGH.

ABSTINENCE IS APPROVED SEXEDUCATION, AND SCIENTIFIC FACT

ISN'T REPORTED NOW.

IT'S DEBATED.

SO LET'S JUST STOP.

LET'S STOP PRETENDING THAT THESECONCESSIONS TO THE RIGHT WILL AT

ANY POINT SATE THE BEAST.

>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF POPEFRANCIS?

>> HE'S HAD SOME STATEMENTS THATTO ME SOUND KIND OF LIBERAL,

HAS TAKEN ME ABACK.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: THE POPE ISN'TCONSERVATIVE ENOUGH FOR THESE

PEOPLE.

( LAUGHTER )SO LET'S JUST STOP GIVING IN TO

THEM.

GUYS, TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO'SBEEN WATCH WHAT THEY DO FOR A

BLESSEDLY ALMOST-OVER 16 YEARSOR SO.

THEY'RE CHRONICALLY ANGRY WARFOR IDEOLOGICAL PURITY WHERE

EVERY ASPECT OF LIFE BECOMES ATWO-DIMENSIONAL BATTLE FOR

AMERICA'S SOUL, IT AGES YOU.

EVEN WATCHING IT IS KILLING ME.

( LAUGHTER )THIS WAS ME AT THE START OF

TONIGHT'S SHOW.

( LAUGHTER )AND IF YOU THINK THAT'S A LIE,

WELL, I'VE GOT A VINE VIDEO IWANT TO SHOW YOU.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.