My girlfriend's alreadysaving up Christmas money.
She called me, she's like,"You'll never guess
how much money I've saved up."I go, "How much?"
She goes, "One thousand,twenty-one hundred dollars."
( muttering )
"Well, you're right;I wouldn't have guessed that."
When I guess numbers,I don't make them up.
Last Christmaswas kind of weird.
I ended up getting my girlfriendway more than she got me.
Like, she got me a new pair ofshoes, and I got her pregnant.
Imagine. Yeah, that's way morethan shoes.
I go, "Do you even love me?
I'm going all out over here."
Found outat the doctor's office,
and he was tryingto make us feel better.
He goes, "Calm down;at least I didn't say
we have to amputate her leg."
And I go, "Oh, my God, I didn'tknow we could do that instead.
We'll take that one, Doctor."
I got a co-pay;that doesn't matter to me.
I'm not a jerk--that's mean, but I'm not a jerk.
If my girlfriendgot her leg taken off,
I would be there to help herfind another boyfriend.
'Cause I got heart.
We found outshe wasn't pregnant.
The doctor said it's whatthey call a false positive,
which is cool,because, apparently,
I'd only false peed my pantswhen he told us.
I was like, "This feels real,but you are the doctor."
You don't even wantto hear the word "pregnant"
when you have that situation.
We go out to dinner one night,and my girlfriend
didn't feel very well,and she goes,
"Tommy, I kind of feel sick."
And the woman with us goes,"Maybe you're pregnant."
And I go, "Maybe you should shutup and eat your taters, lady!"
Every friend she's gotdoes that.
My friends would never do that.
I could have a girl eightand a half months pregnant.
My friends would be like,"Maybe it's gas."
I'd be like,"I saw the ultrasound.
There's a baby in there."
They'd be like,"Maybe she ate a baby."
You're right, I'm not lookingon the bright side.