"Family Feud" with Donald Trump

Tuesday, September 20, 2016 09/20/2016 Views: 4,194

Aya Cash, Janet Varney and Paul F. Tompkins try their hands at a Trump-inspired version of the classic game show. (6:10)

Welcome back to @midnight.

I am, um...

I'm contractually forcedto welcome back

this week's sponsor,Donald Trump.

Come here. Come here.

(groaning, shouting, whooping)

Get out of here.Get out of here.

My beautiful daughter Ivanka,everyone.

(groaning, applause)

Family-- you know this.

Family is very, very,very, very,

very, very, very important.

Which is why we're going to playa me-centric version

of Family Feud; everybody loves that.

(cheering, applause)

-HARDWICK: Why are we, why arewe doing this? -Because...

Because instead ofaverage Americans,

which I've never beennuts about.

They're really...they're disgust...

-Th-they're deplorable.-(laughter)

You people will have to guess

how me, Donald Trump,would answer.

So if you guess right,it's 40,000 points.

I don't even know if the thingscan handle that many...

Don't worry.

I'm gonna cut a check from oneof my charitable organizations.

-Okay, fine, fine. -And points,points aren't currency.

-Points aren't currency.-Fine, fine.

Okay, first up, first up: Thingsyou might find in the kitchen.

Things you might findin the kitchen.

For Trumply Feud.

Uh, Aya.

Um, I'm going to say things youmight find in the kitchen?

Women.

-TRUMP: Good answer.-HARDWICK: All right.

-Good answer.-(buzzer)

That's an incorrect answer.

-It's not on the board.-CASH: Ugh.

One people surveyed.

Top, top three answerson the board.

Janet Varney.

Uh, chalupas, but that is whathe calls his maids.

HARDWICK:All right, all right.

Is that a correct answer?

That's not a correct answer.

-That's not correct.-(buzzer)

Paul F. Tompkins.

Uh, 30 crates of unsold steaks.

-HARDWICK: 30 crates ofunsold steaks. -(buzzer)

No, I'm sorry.No correct answers.

-Let's show the answers.-All right.

-Top answer.-Mason jars of bald eagle blood.

-Sure.-Every family has that.

And let's see the next one here.

Tang and other skin treatments.

-Sure. Yeah. Naturally.-(cheering and applause)

And then what's the final one?Let's see it.

Helpful foreigners who enjoycooking for whites.

-Okay.-And I've got a great guy.

-I got a great guy.-I don't want to know about it.

-This guy...-But that's like...

-I feel like that's similarto... -That was Janet's answer.

I feel like it's voting againstmy interests,

but since we're talkingto Trump,

um, I feel like Janet deservessome points for that.

All right, you know what?I'm going to override

and I'm gonna give Janet Varneypoints on that.

TRUMP:Unbelievable, unbelievable.

-Unbelievable.-(applause)

So, Janet... Janet has now

leapt into the leadwith 40,600 points.

It's so weird to get pointsI don't deserve.

You know what that feels like,Mr. Trump.

-I don't know any of that.-(cheers and applause)

I deserve everything.

-I deserve everything.-(cheering and applause)

-Please, are you kidding me?-HARDWICK: All right, next up.

Something you might sayto a waiter.

Something you might say toa waiter.

Aya.

I'd-I'd like to order...

your kitchen staffout of the country.

HARDWICK:All right.

-I'm sorry, that's nota correct answer. -(buzzer)

-Uh, Janet.-VARNEY: Uh...

Have you consideredfighting other poors

for the amusement of the rich?

-Uh, that is a correct answer,number two. -I love it.

Have you ever consideredfighting other poors

for the amusement of the rich?

I got you.I get you.

We're the same!We're the same!

Wait, wait, wait!Are we?!

TRUMP:We're the same.

-Paul F. Tompkins.-TOMPKINS: Uh...

-Janet, are you okay?-I don't know.

TRUMP:We're the same.

Janet's a little struck at themoment, by trump's comparison ofhimself to her.

by Trump's comparisonof himself to her.

I wear a long blond wig and tuckmy junkies

-and stand in frontof the mirror. -Okay.

And go, "I'm Janet Varney."

-I don't, uh...-(laughing)

HARDWICK (laughing):I don't think you...

Janet, I'm so sorry.

Uh, your life will never be thesame after today's episode.

There's a lot of therapy you'regoing to have to go through.

Uh, Paul.

What are we talking about?

HARDWICK: Something, somethingTrump might say to a waiter.

-Something...-TOMPKINS: Oh, sure, um...

Send this one back,it also takes like semen.

(buzzer)

-Disgusting.-I'm sorry, that's...

I feel like that'sa correct answer.

Let's see the next answerhere first.

All right,let's see the first answer.

The number one answer was:

Doesn't my daughterlook foxy tonight?

Doesn't she?

Isn't she unbelievable?

-All right, and the thirdanswer. -The next one.

Just want you to knowin advance,

you're not getting a tip.

No one gets a tip.

The only person who get a tipis my daughter Ivanka.

HARDWICK: That's not... wh..you shouldn't say those things.

(audience exclaiming)

Your face is just gonna part

and an alien's gonnashoot out of your skull.

-Please. Are you kidding me?-Wouldn't that be comforting?

That would be comforting.

What a relief!

-HARDWICK: It would be oddlycomforting. -What a relief.

I would deportthat alien immediately.

HARDWICK:All right, fine, fine, fine.

(applause)

Next up.

An activity you dowith the family.

An activity you do...Oh, no.

Oh, (bleep).

Uh, Aya.

Uh, which-- which family?

I have three.

HARDWICK:All right.

Is "which family, I have three?"

-That's not a correct answer.-(buzzer)

No, uh, Janet.

Watch them undressthrough the eyes of a painting.

Uh, that is a correct answer!

(cheers and applause)

It's too weird,it's too weird.

It's so weird.

No!

-No. No.-Face... off.

BOTH: Face... off.

Face... off.

Janet was havinga very intense mirror moment.

Uh...

Paul F. Tompkins-- an activityyou do with the family?

Uh, watch themlisten to you talk.

Uh, watch them listen to youtalk? No, not a correct answer.

Let's get the frigging...

-Let's get this going. -Gladwe threw it over to me. -Okay.

-The number-one answer...-Bow hunt the last rhino.

-All right.-Wonderful.

And the next one...

Go through a catalogueof potential new mommies!

HARDWICK:Vile.