Laura Kightlinger - Mom Pimp

Season 1, 05/27/1997 Views: 2,839

Laura feels like she's been dating all her life. (3:09)

I feel like I've been going

through this all my life--

dating--because my mom was

always dating too, and going on

blind dates.

And I remember this one time I

went on a date with my mother,

and this guy was a total--just a

hard-core bachelor.

He thought that I could just be

entertained for hours with a

stuffed animal--just me, at nine

years old--locked away, like, in

his den--while he made out with

my mother in the living room.

At this point I was like, "Russ,

I can see the wheels spinning in

your penis.

[laughter]

I know what you want.

All of a sudden, we're having

this bargain going, like I'm my

mom's pimp.

All right, Russ, come here.

Do you think I brought my lady

over here tonight so that I

could go home with a stuffed

animal in my pocket?

I got to eat too.

Okay, Russ?

Russ, you make me laugh, Russ.

Ha, ha.

Russ, let me tell you something

about the mommies in my stable.

[funky music]

They're quality pieces of A,

all right?

And I can't let you have this

one for anything less than a

Monopoly game and an Eagles

album.

[laughter]

Make that a double album."

[funky music]

>> Hey, baby, want a date?

>> Hi, there, how about a

home-cooked meal?

>> Hey, man, like what you see?

Ain't they nice?

These are my mommies.

This is Mrs. O'Neal.

She's sweet, ain't she?

And clean--you got a dirty

place?

She'll pick up after you.

Not your type?

Okay, no problem; she's gone.

And this is Mrs. Edmunston.

Say hello to the handsome

gentleman, Mrs. Edmunston.

>> Hi; that's a cute jacket.

Is it cotton?

>> Yeah, she's my finest.

You can tell, can't you?

She's great.

Okay, stud--50 bucks, she'll

make you feel unsuccessful.

For 100, bucks she'll make you

wish you were never born.

What'll it be?

50?

All right, get in,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> I'm not getting in there.

That car stinks.

>> Heh, heh--no, no, no.

No, man, she didn't mean it.

She was kidding.

She's, you know, going through

her thing.

She didn't mean it, man.

Hey, where are you going?

Stop.

Hey, you're not going to do

better than my mamas.

You're not doing better than my

mamas.

Don't even try.

Hey; hey!

You mother-loving freak!

You freak!

>> Sorry, but the car smelled

bad.

It did.

Like an old bologna sandwich or

something.

Maybe he packed a lunch and the

ziplock seal didn't stay stuck?

>> You queered that trick,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> That car needed a pine

freshener.

>> Do you think I'm out here

working for my health?

>> Oh!

>> Careful; somebody's going to

lose an eye.

>> Hey, you mind your own

business, all right?

Go brew some tea.

What's going on in that head of

yours?

>> It smelled like--

>> Shh, shh--I know.

Hey, who's my mommy?

Huh?

Who's my favorite mommy?

>> Me.

>> That's right; you.

>> Let me be your favorite.

I'll do whatever it takes--wash,

clean, cook.

>> Not now, Lucille.

All right, ladies, back to work,

or no one...gets a card on their

birthday.