Laura Kightlinger - Mom Pimp

Laura Kightlinger Season 1, Ep 11 09/11/2007 Views: 2,927

Laura feels like she's been dating all her life. (3:09)

I feel like I've been going

through this all my life--

dating--because my mom was

always dating too, and going on

blind dates.

And I remember this one time I

went on a date with my mother,

and this guy was a total--just a

hard-core bachelor.

He thought that I could just be

entertained for hours with a

stuffed animal--just me, at nine

years old--locked away, like, in

his den--while he made out with

my mother in the living room.

At this point I was like, "Russ,

I can see the wheels spinning in

your penis.


I know what you want.

All of a sudden, we're having

this bargain going, like I'm my

mom's pimp.

All right, Russ, come here.

Do you think I brought my lady

over here tonight so that I

could go home with a stuffed

animal in my pocket?

I got to eat too.

Okay, Russ?

Russ, you make me laugh, Russ.

Ha, ha.

Russ, let me tell you something

about the mommies in my stable.

[funky music]

They're quality pieces of A,

all right?

And I can't let you have this

one for anything less than a

Monopoly game and an Eagles



Make that a double album."

[funky music]

>> Hey, baby, want a date?

>> Hi, there, how about a

home-cooked meal?

>> Hey, man, like what you see?

Ain't they nice?

These are my mommies.

This is Mrs. O'Neal.

She's sweet, ain't she?

And clean--you got a dirty


She'll pick up after you.

Not your type?

Okay, no problem; she's gone.

And this is Mrs. Edmunston.

Say hello to the handsome

gentleman, Mrs. Edmunston.

>> Hi; that's a cute jacket.

Is it cotton?

>> Yeah, she's my finest.

You can tell, can't you?

She's great.

Okay, stud--50 bucks, she'll

make you feel unsuccessful.

For 100, bucks she'll make you

wish you were never born.

What'll it be?


All right, get in,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> I'm not getting in there.

That car stinks.

>> Heh, heh--no, no, no.

No, man, she didn't mean it.

She was kidding.

She's, you know, going through

her thing.

She didn't mean it, man.

Hey, where are you going?


Hey, you're not going to do

better than my mamas.

You're not doing better than my


Don't even try.

Hey; hey!

You mother-loving freak!

You freak!

>> Sorry, but the car smelled


It did.

Like an old bologna sandwich or


Maybe he packed a lunch and the

ziplock seal didn't stay stuck?

>> You queered that trick,

Mrs. Edmunston.

>> That car needed a pine


>> Do you think I'm out here

working for my health?

>> Oh!

>> Careful; somebody's going to

lose an eye.

>> Hey, you mind your own

business, all right?

Go brew some tea.

What's going on in that head of


>> It smelled like--

>> Shh, shh--I know.

Hey, who's my mommy?


Who's my favorite mommy?

>> Me.

>> That's right; you.

>> Let me be your favorite.

I'll do whatever it takes--wash,

clean, cook.

>> Not now, Lucille.

All right, ladies, back to work,

or no one...gets a card on their