Chris D'Elia - Human Mating Calls

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 39,865

If humans flirted the way that animals do, Chris D'Elia thinks that we would all have an easier time. (1:31)

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WE'RE THE ONLY SPECIESTHAT MAKES LOVE.

IT MUST BE WRONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT PEACOCKS DOTO GET LAID?

THEY DO ONE THING.THEY DON'T HAVE NICE CARS.

THEY DON'T COMB THEIR HAIROR HAVE GOOD JOBS TO GET LAID.

THEY DO ONE THING,AND ONE THING ONLY,

AND IT'S THIS.

[ BLOWS ]

AND THEY JUST PRANCE AROUNDLIKE, "YOU KNOW,

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH ME, RIGHT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE GIRL'S LIKE,"OH, MY GOD, YES,

I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOURIGHT NOW."

OR SHE'S LIKE,"I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU DO IT.

I LIKE THE WAYYOUR FRIEND DOES IT. BYE!"

BUT THAT'S IT -- NO MIDDLEMAN,NO APPLEBEE'S, NO NOTHING, MAN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW COME WE CAN'T BE LIKE THAT?

YOU KNOW HOW COOL IT WOULD BE

IF WE HAVE MATING CALLSOR SOMETHING?

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE'D BE AT A BARWITH OUR FRIENDS.

WE'D BE HANGING OUT,AND WE SEE A GIRL.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,IT'D BE ON RIGHT THEN.

WE'D BE LIKE, "YEAH, MAN,

"YOU GOT ME LAST YEARWITH THAT FANTASY DRAFT,

"BUT THIS YEAR,I'M COMING FOR YOU, MAN.

"MAKE NO MISTAKES.I'M GETTING LeBRON, AND I --

"OH, DAMN, YOU SEE THAT GIRLRIGHT THERE?

"I GOT THIS.HOLD ON ONE SECOND."

"[ SQUAWKS ]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

"[ SQUAWKING ]"

IF SHE LIKED YOU,SHE'D JUST "[BLEATING]"

"[ SQUAWKS ]"

"[ BLEATS ]"

THAT'D BETHE MOST ANNOYING BAR EVER.

HEY, BUT AT LEAST YOU WOULDN'THAVE TO GO TO APPLEBEE'S.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, MAN.