Paul Mecurio - Going Home

CC Presents: Paul Mercurio Season 8, Ep 23 05/20/2004 Views: 3,853

Paul's cousin sells car alarms he stole out of other cars. (2:06)

IN MY LIFE.

I'M REALLY INTO THE COMEDY

THING.

AND I'M THINKING ABOUT DOING

IT FULL TIME.

BUT IT'S SCARY.

OR DO I STAY WITH LAW, WHICH

IS SECURE, BUT I'M NOT REALLY

INTO.

CONFUSED.

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR A SIGN.

SOMEBODY, TALK TO ME, GIVE ME

A SIGN, ANYTHING.

GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

GOD, GIVE ME A SIGN.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, MY FATHER

DIES UNEXPECTEDLY.

AND I HAVE TO GO HOME TO RHODE

ISLAND TO HELP RUN THE FAMILY

FURNITURE BUSINESS.

SO, NOW I'M THINKING, OKAY,

GOD, COULD I HAVE ANOTHER SIGN?

[LAUGHTER]

I GO HOME.

I GO HOME FOR THE FUNERAL.

AND THIS PROBABLY HAPPENED TO

YOU.

THE FIRST THING THAT STRIKES

YOU WHEN YOU GO HOME, AND

YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FOR AWHILE

IS YOU BECOME A DIFFERENT

PERSON FROM YOUR FAMILY.

NOT BETTER, NOT WORSE,

JUST DIFFERENT.

OKAY?

LIKE I GREW UP IN A VERY ITALIAN

FAMILY.

AND I FELT A LOT--

HEY, PAISONS.

[CHEERING]

AND I FELT OUT OF PLACE.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE I FIT IN

ANYMORE.

I FELT LIKE A SQUARE PEG IN A

MENTAL INSTITUTION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SEE?

YOU KNOW?

TAKE MY COUSINS, BILLY AND

VINNY.

BILLY IS A COKE ADDICT.

VINNY IS A SMALL TIME HOOD FOR

THE MOB.

HE RUNS NUMBERS IN RHODE ISLAND.

AND HE SELLS CAR ALARMS.

CAR ALARMS HE STOLE OUT OF

OTHER CARS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS IS HOW VINNY CAME

DRESSED TO MY FATHER'S FUNERAL,

NO WORD OF A LIE.

BIG POOF OF HELMET HAIR,

ORANGE, SILK SHIRT, UNBUTTONED,

GOLD CHAINS, WHITE PATENT

LEATHER BELT, WHITE SLACKS,

YOU GETTIN' THE PICTURE?

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

IMAGINE IF ELVIS WERE ALIVE,

BUT THE GOOD HUMOR MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHITE MESH LOAFERS, NO SOCKS,

'CAUSE IT WAS THE SUMMER.

BUT YOU GOTTA PUT POWDER ON

YOUR FEET TO KEEP 'EM DRY.

BUT VINNY BEING THE GUIDO THAT

HE IS, PUT TOO MUCH POWDER.

SO EVERY TIME HE'D STEP TOWARDS

THE CASKET PUFFS OF WHITE

SMOKE WOULD COME OUT OF THE

TOPS OF HIS SHOES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND COUSIN BILLY, THE COKE

ADDICT, SNIFFING AT HIS HEELS

ALL NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I GOTTA GIVE VINNY CREDIT,

THOUGH.

HE PAID RESPECTS TO MY FATHER.

AS THEY WERE CLOSING THE CASKET,

HE SLIPPED IN A CAR ALARM.

[LAUGHTER]