Kathleen Madigan - Foreign Policy

  • Season 3 , Ep 5
  • 07/04/2000
  • Views: 11,426

The English word for "Cinco de Mayo" is Tuesday. (3:31)

I WAS IN CANADAFOR, LIKE, THREE WEEKS.

AND I LIKE CANADA, BUT,LIKE, I FORGET IT'S UP THERE.

I ALWAYS THINK OF CANADAAS, LIKE, OUR ATTIC.

YOU FORGET IT'S UP THERE,AND YOU GET UP THERE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"WOW, LOOK AT ALL THIS CRAP.

"I TOTALLY FORGOT--PEOPLE LIVE HERE.

THEY WORK HERE."

I DON'T LIKE THE FACT, THOUGH,

THEY CHARGE YOU $10TO GET OUT OF CANADA.

IT'S LIKE A EXIT FEE.

AND I HAD NO IDEATHIS WAS AN OFFICIAL POLICY.

I GET TO MY PLANE, AND THERE'STWO GUYS STANDING THERE GOING,

"HI, WE NEED $10."

WELL, JOIN THE CLUB,SCOOTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

GET A SIGN.THINK OF SOMETHING WITTY.

THAT'S WHAT WE DO IN AMERICA.

HE GOES, "NO, MA'AM.THAT'S THE EXIT FEE.

IT COSTS $10 TO LEAVE CANADA."

I'M LIKE, "SIR, IT'S FEBRUARY.IT'S 55 BELOW ZERO OUTSIDE.

YOU HAVE TOTALLYLOWBALLED YOURSELF."

I WOULD GIVE YOU $50,000 TO GETOUT OF THIS FROZEN-ASS TUNDRA.

[laughter]

NO, ACTUALLY, OUR MONEY'SWORTH NOTHING UP THERE.

WHERE IS OUR MONEYWORTH SOMETHING?

MEXICO.

OH, MY--$1?500 BILLION PESOS.

OH, I LOVE THAT COUNTRY,'CAUSE EVERYTHING'S A DOLLAR.

IT'S LIKE A GIANT DOLLAR STORE.

ANYTHING.

THAT ECONOMY, THOUGH,I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR MONEYGETS SO VALUELESS,

AT WHAT POINTDO YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND GO,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?SCREW IT.

WE GOT TO TRADE CHICKENS AGAIN.THIS IS JUST NOT WORKING."

I LIKE THAT COUNTRY

'CAUSE I LIKE THE FACTTHAT THEY GOT TOGETHER AND VOTED

THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY, AS ANADULT, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A NAP.

OH, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN $500TO BE IN THAT SENATE MEETING

THAT DAYTHAT GUY BROUGHT THAT UP.

SOME GUY HAD ENOUGH GUTSTO STAND UP AND GO,

"YEAH, UM,I DON'T REALLY GIVE A CRAP

"ABOUT THE ECONOMY OR ANYTHING,BUT--

"I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU PEOPLE,

"BUT I'M REALLY DRAGGING ASSEVERY DAY

"BETWEEN, LIKE, 2:00 AND 4:00,AND I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF WE COULD VOTEON THAT BEING NAP TIME."

AND NOBODY SAID NO.

THAT'S THE COOL PART.

THEY WENT,"YOU ARE AN IDEA MAN, RAUL.

WE ARE LOCKING UP."

[applause]

I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHYTHEY'RE NOT A WORLD POWER YET.

I LIKE THE MEXICAN'S ANSWERTO DIFFICULT PROBLEMS.

HEALTH CARE?

THEY GOT TO THE ANSWER.

WHAT'S THEIR ANSWER?

"PRESCRIPTION DRUGSARE AVAILABLE

WITH NO PRESCRIPTION."

THERE'S YOUR ANSWER.

CUT OUT THE DOCTOR--THE MIDDLEMAN.

SELF-DIAGNOSIS--THAT'S THE FUTURE.

THAT IS SO RIDICULOUS, 'CAUSETHERE'S SO MANY FREAKS LIKE ME.

I'D BE DOWN AT THE DRUGSTOREEVERY WEEK GOING,

"I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVEBEHIND THE COUNTER?

"SCREW IT,MAYBE IT'S A HEADACHE,

"BUT I THINK IT'S A BRAIN TUMOR.

JUST COME ON."

I ACTUALLY WENT INTO A STOREIN TIJUANA.

THEY WERE HAVING A SALEON PROZAC AND FIREWORKS.

YOU GOTTA MEET THE MANAGERWHO CAME UP WITH THAT SPECIAL.

I KNEW NOTHINGOF MEXICAN CULTURE.

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST.I MOVED TO LOS ANGELES.

LIKE, CINCO DE MAYO,

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWWHAT IT WAS.

MY NEIGHBOR'S MEXICAN.I ASKED HIM.

IN THE MIDWEST,WE CALL IT TUESDAY, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED HIM--I GO,"WHAT IS IT?"

HE GOES,"IT'S OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY."

I GO, "WHO'D YOU BEAT?"

HE GOES, "THE FRENCH."

I'M LIKE, "WELL, WHO DIDN'T?"

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S SOMETHING

TO GET QUITE THISWOUND UP ABOUT, JOSE.

BUT IF MARGARITASARE HALF PRICE,

I'M ALL ABOUTYOUR CINCO DE MAYO.

[laughter]

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