Uncensored - Speed Roasting - Nice Guy

Week of 9/3/2012 - Jeselnik, Leggero, Glass Season 1, Ep 4 09/04/2012 Views: 35,373

Anthony Jeselnik, Natasha Leggero and Todd Glass help Jeff roast an expectant couple and a fully bearded man. (4:02)

Nobody wants to be speedroastedby me and the gang tonight?

Natasha, your family doesn'twant to be speed-roasted?

-My dad wants to, but hedoesn't want to talk back.

-Don't worry.

I don't speak Italian.

Oh, shit, where'd my wallet?

What happened?

Your hand went up, didn't it?

Did I dream that?

Stand up, buddy.

Is this your pregnantlady right here too?

You don't have to st--well, can you stand?

Holy mackerel.

Look at that.

Are you the father?

-I am, as far as I know.

-All right, well,let's find out.

-OK, bring the guy out.


It's weird that she's pregnant,but the vagina is on your face.

TODD GLASS: No, he didn't.

-What do you do foryour welfare check?

-They won't accept me.

ANTHONY JESELNIK: I believe you.

-I want to knowwhat toilet you're

going to have that baby in.

JEFF ROSS: The same onethey conceived it in.

-I'm going to saythat, seriously,

that-- you know what?

Not everything has to bemean and mean-spirited.

And this should be thefirst show to prove

we can roast peopleand still be nice.

I bet you're two people,because you can express yourself

creative-- in a creativemanner that your child is

going to be ableto express himself.

And I bet you raisea very healthy child.

-Todd, thank you for that.

We ran out of timeon the internet.

That's how longthat took to get to.

How's it going, buddy?


-Happy anniversary coming out.


You're welcome.

What happened toyour sweatshirt?

-I don't know.

I just-- I just never washed it.

-If Trayvon Martin had beenwearing that sweatshirt,

he would've gotten fuckedin the ass instead of shot

in the face.

That was a good one.

ANTHONY JESELNIK: I feellike his beard is what

you think your beard looks like.

-I can totally see that.

NATASHA LEGGERO: Sir,there are you in that band,

System of a Down Syndrome?

-Todd, what do youthink of this guy?

-Seems like a nice guy.

-It's a speed roast, Todd.

Don't you get it?

ANTHONY JESELNIK:It's anti-comedy.

-You know, I mean,I just-- You know,

I don't like tobe hard on people.

I know I'm insecure myself.

And that's why I liked thatyou let me come on this show,

that you knew that I wouldprobably have a hard time

with this, but you're notscared like the other shows.

That guy is a fucking lunatic.

Why the fuck would you standup and asked to be roasted?

Take a look at yourself.

What are you, fucking sick?

Have a little self-respect.

-He looks like a nice guy, Todd.

-Oh, it's bad enough when hewalks around, people say shit.

He knows it.

He's got to ask for it?

JEFF ROSS: He's a good man.

Thank you.

This guys had his hand up.

Come up.

Come on.

TODD GLASS: Look atthis fucking idiot!

With the hat and the scarf.

Fucking stop it already.

You got two black eyesfrom beating yourself up.

-When d'you get out?

-Never been locked up.

-Well, you should be.

ANTHONY JESELNIK: What'dyou get that tattoo for?

Killing your special ed teacher?

-You've reallynever been in jail?

MAN: Never.

-No one with a face tattoo'sever won a court case.

-What are those?

Little dollars signs?


-What was theinspiration for that?

-Money May.


-Money May.

NATASHA LEGGERO:We need subtitles.

-I heard him.

-You're like a fuckingMexican pirate or something?


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