Nobody wants to be speedroastedby me and the gang tonight?
Natasha, your family doesn'twant to be speed-roasted?
-My dad wants to, but hedoesn't want to talk back.
I don't speak Italian.
Oh, shit, where'd my wallet?
Your hand went up, didn't it?
Did I dream that?
Stand up, buddy.
Is this your pregnantlady right here too?
You don't have to st--well, can you stand?
Look at that.
Are you the father?
-I am, as far as I know.
-All right, well,let's find out.
-OK, bring the guy out.
JEFF ROSS: Wow.
It's weird that she's pregnant,but the vagina is on your face.
TODD GLASS: No, he didn't.
-What do you do foryour welfare check?
-They won't accept me.
ANTHONY JESELNIK: I believe you.
-I want to knowwhat toilet you're
going to have that baby in.
JEFF ROSS: The same onethey conceived it in.
-I'm going to saythat, seriously,
that-- you know what?
Not everything has to bemean and mean-spirited.
And this should be thefirst show to prove
we can roast peopleand still be nice.
I bet you're two people,because you can express yourself
creative-- in a creativemanner that your child is
going to be ableto express himself.
And I bet you raisea very healthy child.
-Todd, thank you for that.
We ran out of timeon the internet.
That's how longthat took to get to.
How's it going, buddy?
-Happy anniversary coming out.
What happened toyour sweatshirt?
-I don't know.
I just-- I just never washed it.
-If Trayvon Martin had beenwearing that sweatshirt,
he would've gotten fuckedin the ass instead of shot
in the face.
That was a good one.
ANTHONY JESELNIK: I feellike his beard is what
you think your beard looks like.
-I can totally see that.
NATASHA LEGGERO: Sir,there are you in that band,
System of a Down Syndrome?
-Todd, what do youthink of this guy?
-Seems like a nice guy.
-It's a speed roast, Todd.
Don't you get it?
ANTHONY JESELNIK:It's anti-comedy.
-You know, I mean,I just-- You know,
I don't like tobe hard on people.
I know I'm insecure myself.
And that's why I liked thatyou let me come on this show,
that you knew that I wouldprobably have a hard time
with this, but you're notscared like the other shows.
That guy is a fucking lunatic.
Why the fuck would you standup and asked to be roasted?
Take a look at yourself.
What are you, fucking sick?
Have a little self-respect.
-He looks like a nice guy, Todd.
-Oh, it's bad enough when hewalks around, people say shit.
He knows it.
He's got to ask for it?
JEFF ROSS: He's a good man.
This guys had his hand up.
TODD GLASS: Look atthis fucking idiot!
With the hat and the scarf.
Fucking stop it already.
You got two black eyesfrom beating yourself up.
-When d'you get out?
-Never been locked up.
-Well, you should be.
ANTHONY JESELNIK: What'dyou get that tattoo for?
Killing your special ed teacher?
-You've reallynever been in jail?
-No one with a face tattoo'sever won a court case.
-What are those?
Little dollars signs?
-What was theinspiration for that?
NATASHA LEGGERO:We need subtitles.
-I heard him.
-You're like a fuckingMexican pirate or something?
Give all myvolunteers some love.
So much fun.