Bill Burr - Crackers

  • Season 7 , Ep 2
  • 02/13/2003
  • Views: 27,145

Bill Burr was called a cracker for 18 subway stops. (2:59)

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I'M STANDING THERE, RIGHT,MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS.

ALL RIGHT, THIS BLACK GUYGOES TO GET ON THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE DOORS,LIKE, CLOSED ON HIM,

YOU KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENS?

THEY KIND OF OPEN AND CLOSE UP.[thumping]

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO,LIKE, DICE YOU UP.

[thumping]

SO IT'S, LIKE, TYPICAL NEW YORK.

THERE'S, LIKE,20 PEOPLE WATCHING,

BUT NOBODY HELPS OUT.

EVERYONE'S JUST STANDING THERELIKE,

"WOW, I THINK IT'S GONNA CUTHIS ARM OFF."

SO THE DUDE'S STUCKIN THE DOOR.

THE CONDUCTOR COMES OUT,

STARTS GIVING THE GUYA ROUGH TIME

AS HE'S STUCK IN THE DOORS.

HE'S GOING,"COME ON, BUDDY, LET'S GO!"

HE'S LIKE,"YOU'RE HOLDING PEOPLE UP.

LET'S GO!"

SO THE DUDE IN THE DOORSTARTS FLIPPING OUT.

"WHAT THE HELLARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR?"

HE'S LIKE,"I'M STUCK IN THE DOORS."

THEN HE MAKES IT RACIAL.

HE'S LIKE,"I BET YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

TO ALL THE CRACKERSSITTING OVER HERE."

IT WAS, LIKE, ME AND THREE OTHERWHITE DUDES SITTING THERE.

SO HE GETS INTO ITWITH THIS GUY.

HE KEEPS COMING BACKTO THAT POINT

LIKE,"I BET YOU WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

TO THESE CRACKERSSITTING OVER HERE."

AND AFTER LIKE THE THIRDOR FOURTH,

"CRACKERS SITTING OVER HERE,"

ME AND THE THREE WHITE DUDESKIND OF START, LIKE,

LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE,"DUDE, SHOULDN'T WE, LIKE,

"BE GETTING OFFENDEDAT THIS POINT?

"THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

"I CAN LITERALLY FEEL THE HEATFROM HIS FINGER

"AS HE'S GOING,'CRACKERS SITTING OVER HERE.'

SOMEBODY SHOULD DO SOMETHING."

SO YOU KNOW WHAT?NOBODY DID [bleep].

WE JUST SAT THEREAND TOOK IT.

THAT'S WHAT SUCKS ABOUTBEING WHITE IN THAT SITUATION.

THERE'S NO UNITY.

THERE'S NO BROTHERSWHEN IT COMES TO WHITE PEOPLE.

WE ARE NOT--

WE ARE JUSTCOMPLETE INDIVIDUALS.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER.

"THAT'S NOT MY BROTHER.

"MY BROTHER LIVES IN OHIO.

I DON'T KNOW THAT GUY."

I'M NOT CONCERNEDABOUT OVER HERE.

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT FROM HERETO RIGHT HERE,

HERE.

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

I GOT CALLED A CRACKERFOR, LIKE, 18 STOPS.

[laughter]

I'LL TELL YOU,THAT'S FUNNY THOUGH,

WHEN SOMEONE GETS RACIALWITH YOU AND YOU'RE WHITE

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWEDTO GET RACIAL BACK,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO IT'S KIND OF, LIKE, AWKWARD.

THE DUDE'S GOING ON,"WHITE BOY!

YOU CRACKER!"

YOU'RE LIKE,"YEAH, YOU STUPID JERK."

[laughter]

NO, YOU CAN'T GET RACIAL BACK

'CAUSE THE SECONDYOU GET RACIAL BACK

WHEN YOU'RE WHITE,THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

THEY, LIKE, WHEEL OUTTHAT PODIUM AND HAVE, LIKE,

THAT PRESS CONFERENCE.

YOU GOT TO BE LIKE THAT GUYSTANDING UP THERE GOING,

"I DISGRACED THE COMPANY.

"I DISGRACED MYSELF.

"I JUST LIKE TO STATETHAT THERE WAS

"NO AIR CONDITIONINGON THE SUBWAY.

"I WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY.

"I HAVE NOTHINGAGAINST MEXICANS.

"I WENT TO TIJUANA.I HAD A GREAT TIME.

PLEASE.PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS."

NO, THAT'S WHYA LOT OF WHITE DUDES,

WE CAN GET UPTIGHTIN CERTAIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

WE GOT TO WATCH OUTFOR THE PODIUM.

NO, THAT PODIUMCAN COME OUT OF NOWHERE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYINGTO SAY SOMETHING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'MTHINKING OF GETTING A SHIRT."

"WHAT SHIRT?""I'M THINKING THE BLACK SHIRT."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?"

"I SAID BLACK SHIRT.

"I SHOULD HAVE SAIDAFRICAN-AMERICAN SHIRT.

"I APOLOGIZE.PLEASE, I NEED THIS POSITION.

I HAVE A MORTGAGE.PLEASE, DON'T DO THIS."

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