Exclusive - William Shatner - Captain Kirk's Rebuttal - Uncensored

Season 1, 08/20/2006 Views: 8,923

To close out his Roast, William Shatner issues a firm rejection to George Takei, offers career advice to Lisa Lampanelli and thanks Roast Master Jason Alexander. (4:23)

How's the hair?

The hair is good?The hair is good, okay.

Oh--thank you so much.I appreciate that.

The only thing that really, uh,hurts my feelings about tonight

is that you peoplejust weren't funny.


And I gave you so muchto work with.

You could've saidsomething like,

"Shatner's such a cheap Jew,he only beamed himself up

after 7:00 when the ratesare lower."

See, that's funny.

That's why I have a levelof success.

Success that, based onwhat I've seen tonight,

none of you willever achieve, all right?

Well, unless Lisa Lampanelliwins the Kentucky Derby,

then you have success.

George, Nichelle,

it's really great to see you.

Because of our work together

on the bridgeof the fabled Enterprise,

it broke a lot of stereotypes.

Not only did we take a chance

and allow an Asian gentlemanto drive...



We had a black woman sittingin front of a large screen

who didn't yell things at it.

George, I had no idea

it would be so roughon you tonight.

They really ripped youa new one.

I'm sure you'll find usefor it though.

The guy's been tryingto suck my cock for 40 years.

George, for the last time,

I will not let yousuck my cock!

And Nichelle,thank you very much.

And Greg Giraldo,you don't matter.

You're inconsequential.

You're nothing but a faceless drone.

If this were an episodeof Star Trek,

you'd be wearing a red shirtand would've been killed by now.

[cheers and applause]

Kevin Pollak.

I'm glad my vast talents

have been ableto make you rich.

You've got more out of doing me

than any womanI've ever slept with.

And that includes your wife!

So good for you.

Fred Willard, I've been watchingyour career for many years

and I can honestly say,

I don't get it.

You're just so dry.

If you were any drier, you'd bein Betty White's underwear.

[audience groaning]

And of course,Farrah Fawcett is here.

And I think it's time someone told her.

Farrah's a wonderful actress.

She did that great movie The Burning Bed.

Not to be confusedwith Andy Dick's project,

The Burning Butt.

Which has been showcasedin clinics

throughoutLos Angeles and Tijuana.

And speaking of donkeys--

Get 'em, Shatner.


you are onesupremely funny lady.

[cheers and applause]

But you'd be a--a much better performer

if every time you got on a roll,you didn't stop to eat it.

Which brings me...

to our host, Jason Alexander.Thank you so much.

Your work here is done,my friend.[cheers]

Jason saidhe was inspired by me.

Why is everyonewho's inspired by me

such a fat fucking loser,I don't know.

You know, I look backon this amazing evening,

I can't helpbut think to myself,

"Who the hell are you people?

Where do you get the nerveto make fun of me?

What have you ever done?"

Do you know who I am?

I'm William Tiberius Shatner.

[cheers and applause]

Damn right.

I've saved the universehundreds of times!

I've created characters thatwill stand the test of time.

I've been to space!

[Star Trek theme music]The final frontier.

These are the voyageson the starship Enterprise.

The five-year mission:

to seek out new lifeand new civilizations.

To boldly go where no manhas gone before!

Home to whack offto Lisa Lampanelli.

Good night!

[Star Trek theme music]

[cheers and applause]