Uncensored - Up Next Semifinals - Ft. Lauderdale

Up Next Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 1,274

Jonah Ray talks to Tone Bell and Chris Cubas, the Up Next finalists from Florida. (3:27)

JONAH RAY: We have anamazing lineup tonight.

This is a Comedy Central Event.

Two comics from tonight aregoing to go to our finals

in New York.

Are you guys ready to laugh?

Who's got their giggle pants on?

-Anybody else celebratingtheir birthday this year?

Anybody else?

-Ha ha, ew, eh, ee!

-Sometimes, for fun, I get highand deliver DiGiorno pizzas.

-You're never going tomake love on a water bed,

and that's really sad to me.

-It takes me sixeyes to see 3-D.

-Like I do drugsoccasionally, a lot.


Where ya going preacher?

Where ya going, huh?

Where ya going, huh?

I'm gonna block you out!

-YOLO, Bitches.

Ya know what I mean?

-I don't understand thosegirls that have bottle openers

and rape whistleson their key chains.

Because they kind ofwork against each other.

And that's why onmy key chain, I

have a flashlightand a butt plug.

-Comics always complain abouthaving to stay in hotels.

I love it.

There's cable,there's electricity,

it's much nicer thanwhere I normally live.

I'm proud to introduce thetwo winners from tonight.

Everybody, Tone Belland Chris Cubas.

-I think Tone's at the bar.

Someone want to tell Tone?

-Can we--

-Can we put the more youknow sound during that part?

-Like a Sarah McLachlan,like, a seal swimming.


Have you ever seen a seal swim?

Because they don't do that.


Is that-- they don't do that?

-You know who does that?

Human beings.


-I ran to the grocerystore one time

and I'm like, let me grab twoitems, put 'em on the counter,

put 'em on the counter.

This girls like, shelooks down at my items

and looks back at me.

She goes, mm-hm.


And I'm like, I'm like why isshe looking at me like this?

And I look down,it's like a, you

know like a bottle ofhoney and some candles.

And she was like, I seewhat you've about to do.

I'm like, bitch, I got a sorethroat and my powers out,

you mind wrapping this up?

-Having a specificappearance, such as yourself,

because you didn'taddress it right away.

-I make one jokeabout it at one point,

only because I know thatthey're thinking it.


-And there becomes apoint, like, I push it

as far into a setas I possibly can.

But you can feel themoment where they're like,

he's just-- say it already!

-You're like, yeah.

CHRIS CUBAS: Quick addressand then, then I'm done.

JONAH RAY: Like-- like-- it'slike you have this like, slogan

that people know of,your catch phrase.

-Exactly, it's some catchphrase that's just my face.

-Out of no where, this childthat I've never met, just

starts climbing into my lap.

If your child's first responseto this is to snuggle,

you fucked up somewhere.

Like your child is supposedto be afraid of monsters.

This is not WhereThe Wild Things Are.

-I literally have$6 in my wallet

that I stashed because I neededto take the bus, to the train,

to the airport tomorrow.


-Broke is like new demographic.

Like, they market thingsto broke people, now.

Like those cash for gold adds.

Those are not for the wealthy,which doesn't make any sense,

because who elsebeside rich people

has a bunch of extra gold.

I'm remember sittingaround my apartment,

like, my electricity'sabout to get cut off.

I can't make rent this month.

What am I gonna do withall these doubloons?

-Let's talk aboutthe name, Tone Bell.

Because ya know, it isthe inverse of bell tone.

-They don't exist anymore.

-What's that, what's that?

-Phone companies?

-Hold on, let me call somebody.

-Pacific Bell?

-Is this KL5-922?


Yeah.What's up?

What's up?What?

Jonah Ray?

Never heard of him.