Mitch Hedberg - Being a Comedian in Hollywood

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 01/04/1999
  • Views: 45,267

Asking a good comedian to write a script is like asking a good chef, "Can you farm?" (2:42)

BUT I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.I GOT INTO COMEDY

TO DO COMEDY,WHICH IS WEIRD, I KNOW.

BUT, WHEN YOU'RE IN HOLLYWOODAND YOU'RE A COMEDIAN

EVERYBODY WANTS YOU TO DOOTHER THINGS BESIDES COMEDY.

THEY SAY, "ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

"CAN YOU ACT?

"CAN YOU WRITE?

WRITE US A SCRIPT."

THEY WANT ME TO DO THINGSTHAT'S RELATED TO COMEDY

BUT NOT COMEDY.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

IT'S AS THOUGH,IF I WAS A COOK

AND I WORKED MY ASS OFFTO BECOME A GOOD COOK

THEY SAID, "ALL RIGHT,YOU'RE A COOK...

CAN YOU FARM?"

( laughter )

THIS SHOW'S GOINGALL RIGHT, I GUESS.

I'M TRYING TO FEEL IT OUT.

I WANTED TO BUY A CANDLEHOLDER,BUT THE STORE DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

SO I GOT A CAKE.

I WENT TO A CONCERTIN NEW YORK CITY WHERE I LIVE.

IT WAS A HEAVY METAL BANDCALLED MONSTER MAGNET.

THEY WERE HEAVY, BOY.

THE SINGER HAD NO SHIRT ONAND LEATHER PANTS

AND HE WAS PLAYINGLIKE A FLYING "V" GUITAR

AND HE STOOD ON THE MONITORAND HE YELLS AT THE CROWD.

HE SAID, "HOW MANY OF YOU PEOPLEFEEL LIKE HUMAN BEINGS TONIGHT?"

AND THEN HE SAID, "HOW MANY OFYOU PEOPLE FEEL LIKE ANIMALS?"

AND THE THING IS

EVERYONE CHEEREDAFTER THE ANIMALS PART

BUT I CHEEREDAFTER THE HUMAN BEINGS PART

'CAUSE I DID NOT KNOW THERE WASA SECOND PART TO THE QUESTION.

( laughter and applause )

I SAID,"YES, I DO FEEL LIKE A HUMAN.

I DO NOT FEEL LIKE A TREE."

I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I JUST KNOW A GIRLWHO WOULD GET REALLY MAD

IF SHE HEARD ME SAY THAT.

( laughter and applause )

AN APPLAUSE BREAKOVER MY INFIDELITY.

I'VE HAD FOUR AIDS TESTIN MY DAY.

THE AIDS TEST ISVERY SCARY TO GET.

IT DOESN'T MATTERWHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

WAITING FOR THE RESULTSIS FRIGHTENING.

SO I DON'T GET THE REGULARAIDS TEST ANYMORE.

I GET THE ROUNDABOUTAIDS TEST.

I CALL MY FRIEND BRIAN.

I SAY, "BRIAN, DO YOU KNOWANYBODY WHO HAS AIDS?

"NO?

"COOL.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW ME."

I GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT

WITH A GIRLFRIENDINSIDE OF A TENT.

THAT'S A BAD PLACEFOR AN ARGUMENT

'CAUSE THEN I TRIED TO WALK OUTAND SLAM THE FLAP.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSEDTO EXPRESS YOUR ANGER

IN THIS SITUATION?

ZIPPER IT UP REALLY QUICK?

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