Jim Gaffigan - People with Glasses

  • Season 3 , Ep 6
  • 07/11/2000
  • Views: 58,153

The only advantage to wearing glasses is getting to do the dramatic removal. (3:12)

I TRUST PEOPLE WITH GLASSES,DON'T YOU?

IT'S LIKE, "WELL, ASK HIM;HE'S GOT GLASSES."

BUT IF YOU'RE WEARINGYOUR GLASSES LIKE THIS,

"GET AWAY FROM 'EM."

DID YOU EVER TAKE DIRECTIONS

FROM SOMEONEWHO LOOKS LIKE THIS?

[laughter]

"WHERE YOU GOTTA GO?"

"44th STREET."

"WELL, WHY DON'T WE TAKEMY SPACESHIP?

I HAVE TO PICK UP SANTA CLAUSANYWAY."

THE ONLY ADVANTAGEOF WEARING GLASSES

IS YOU CAN DOTHAT DRAMATIC REMOVAL.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

"MY GOD.

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

"I CAN'T SEE A THING.

"I AM ABSOLUTELY BLINDWITHOUT THESE.

IT'S PROBABLY WHY I WEAR 'EM."

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN PEOPLEARE THINKING IN MOVIES,

THEY'RE ALWAYS CHEWINGON THE END OF THEIR GLASSES?

"IF WE GIVE THE ALIEN A COLD--"

YOU KNOW WHATTHEY'RE REALLY THINKING?

"THIS TASTES LIKE WAX.

DISGUSTING."

YEAH, I LIKE LIVING HEREIN NEW YORK,

BUT IT DEFINITELY CHANGES YOU.

IT'LL MAKE PEOPLE IMPATIENT.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMEBODYNOT ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

BUT DEMAND THEM?

YOU'RE JUST WALKING DOWNTHE STREET AND YOU HEAR A HORN.

SOME GUY'S LIKE,"HOLLAND TUNNEL."

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSEDTO FAX THIS GUY DIRECTIONS.

SUDDENLY YOU'REWASTING HIS TIME.

"LET'S GO, BUDDY.HOLLAND TUNNEL."

[applause]

NEW YORK HAS MADE MESO PARANOID TOO.

WHENEVER I VISIT ANOTHER CITY,I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I'M FROM THERE

SO THE CAB DRIVERDOESN'T RIP ME OFF.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE,

"YEAH, IT'S GOODTO BE BACK HOME,

"BACK HERE WHERE I GREW UP.

"YEAH, HERE IN TOKYO.

"EVERYTHING LOOKS FAMILIAR'CAUSE I GREW UP HERE.

"OH, WHERE DO I NEED TO GO?

"UH, DRIVER, I NEED TO GOTO MY OLD STOMPING GROUNDS.

"THAT WOULD BE THE HOLIDAY INN,

"AND THE ADDRESSAPPEARS TO BE THE POUND SIGN,

SO STEP ON IT."

WHENEVER I'M OUT OF TOWNFOR AT LEAST A WEEK,

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WRITEA POSTCARD OR SOMETHING.

BUT YOU COULD BE A GENIUS--YOU TRY AND WRITE A POSTCARD,

YOU COME ACROSSLIKE A MORON ANYWAY.

"THIS CITY'S GOT BIG BUILDINGS.I LIKE FOOD. BYE."

YOU EVER GET A POSTCARD?

YOU'RE SO EXCITED,YOU DON'T EVEN READ IT.

"HEY, I GOT A P--WHO CARES?"

THAT'S WHY WHEN I SENDA POSTCARD, I QUIZ PEOPLE.

"HEY, DID YOU GET THAT POST--"

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."

"WHAT'D I SAY?"

"YOU WERE HAVING--"

"I WAS IN JAIL."

WHY DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO BE OUTOF TOWN TO WRITE A POSTCARD?

I WANT TO WRITE A POSTCARDTO MY NEIGHBOR.

JUST BE LIKE,"I STILL LIVE NEAR YOU."

GUY SEES ME GO IN MY APARTMENT,FLIPS THE CARD OVER.

IT'S JUST A PICTUREOF ME HOLDING A RIFLE.

I'M TOO LAZY TO DOALL THOSE THINGS.

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