Bill Dwyer - The Petting Zoo

  • Season 5 , Ep 11
  • 09/09/2001
  • Views: 1,971

Bill Dwyer describes the horror scene that took place at the petting zoo. (3:08)

RECENTLY, AND THE ALLIGATOR

HASN'T MOVED SINCE LAST JULY.

SURE HE HAS A LOT MORE PENNIES

ON HIS BACK, BUT NO MOVEMENT

WHATSOEVER.

NOT GETTING A LOT OF RESPECT

THE ALLIGATOR.

SO I THOUGHT, WELL, I REMEMBER

ALL THE JOYS AND THE CHARMS

OF THE PETTING ZOO WHEN

I WAS A KID, SO I'LL TAKE

MY KIDS TO THE PETTING ZOO.

APPARENTLY, I MISTAKEN THE JOYS

AND CHARMS OF THE PETTING ZOO

WITH THE HORRORS OF THE PETTING

ZOO.

THE PETTING ZOO'S A GREAT PLACE

TO GO IF YOU WANTED TO DISCARD

OF YOUR CHILD'S CLOTHING

IN A GOATS STOMACH.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU GO THERE THERE'S A BUNCH OF

NAKED KIDS RUNNING AROUND

SCREAMING, SOME POOR KID FLAT ON

HIS BACK WITH A CHICKEN PECKING

BLOODY HOLES IN HIS CHEST.

"OH, MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOUR

PARENTS?"

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY STOCK

A PETTING ZOO, BUT THERE MUST

HAVE BEEN A HUGE SALE ON GOATS.

JUST BUY ONE LLAMA GET 15 GOATS

FREE.

ALL GOATS MUST GOOOO,

AND I'M NOT EVEN A MARKETING

GUY.

AND PETTING ZOO WORKERS WILL

MAKE YOU YEARN FOR THE CIVILITY

AND DIGNITY OF A CARNY WORKER.

YOU'LL WISH YOU WERE BEING

STRAPPED INTO AN UNSAFE

TILT-A-WHIRL BY A GUY

WHO REEKS OF BOURBON.

BUT ALL THAT ASIDE,

I LOVE MY KIDS, I DO.

THE ONLY WAY I COULD

LOVE THEM MORE IS IF I WAS

DIVORCED.

THOSE GUYS LOVE THEIR KIDS,

THEIR ALWAYS TALKING,

"OH, I LOVE MY KIDS.

I LOVE MY KIDS.

EVERY OTHER WEEKEND

AND WEDNESDAYS FROM 5 TO 8 P.M.

OH, YEAH, IT'S EASY TO LOVE THEM

WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND.

WHEN THEY'RE AROUND,

THEY'RE ALWAYS

TALKING-BLAH-BLA-BLAH-BLA-BLAH

BLA-BLAH.

THEY LOVE TO CHAT AND THEY HAVE

NOTHING TO CHAT ABOUT.

BLA-BLAH-BLAH POKEMON NINTENDO,

BLA-BLAH-BLAH.

I'M HUNGRY.

THESE CLOTHES DON'T FIT ME,

BLA-BLA-BLAH.

I CAN'T SEE OUT OF THIS EYE,

BLA-BLA-BLAH.

THEY LOVE TO CHATTER AND THEY'VE

GOT NOTHING TO CHATTER ABOUT.

DAD, DAD.

DAD-DAD-DAD-DA-DA-DAD-DAD-DAD.

(APPLAUSE)

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

DAD, LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

LOOK AT IT NOW.

LOOK AT IT NOW.

IT'S GONE.

IT'S BACK.

LOOK AT MY HAND.

OKAY, BUDDY, I SEE YOUR HAND!

TRY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO

CALL THE TIBETAN MONKS--

YEAH, TAKE MY KIDS

TO THE DAHLI LLAMA.

CAN YOU TAKE HIM AWAY

FOR A FEW YEARS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEN THEY BRING THE LITTLE GUY

BACK SEVEN YEARS LATER,

HE'D BE ALL ENLIGHTENED.

HELLO, FATHER...

LOOK AT MY HAND.

ARGH!!!

YOU WIN.

YOU WIN, CRACK-CORN.

YOU WIN!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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