BUT I WAS GONNA GETMARRIED THIS YEAR.
HAD A GIRLFRIENDFOR THREE YEARS.
THEN I MOVED TO L.A. AND WEBROKE UP, WHICH IS WEIRD, RIGHT?
'CAUSE THEY SAY BREAKING UPIS SO HARD TO DO.
BUT, LIKE,HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT BY E-MAIL?
IT'S INCREDIBLY EASY, RIGHT?
"POINT, CLICK, DONE, BITCH!"[ SIGHS ]
"GOT MY WHOLE SATURDAYAHEAD OF ME."
AND THE SEX GOT WEIRD.
I GUESS MENTALLY,SHE WAS TURNED OFF.
SO PHYSICALLY,EVERYTHING WAS UNCOMFORTABLE.
LIKE AT THE END,I'D KISS HER NECK,
AND SHE'D BE LIKE,"OW, BE GENTLE."
EVERYTHING WAS, "BE GENTLE."
HAVING SEX AT THE ENDWAS LIKE PLAYING JENGA.
"EASY.
"EASY!
DONKEY PUNCH!"[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M KIDDING.
I'M NOT INTO ROUGH SEX,ACTUALLY.
IN FACT, YOU KNOW,HERE'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF
IN REGARD TO SEX.
I THINK I'M LIKE MOST GUYSIN THIS ROOM.
I THINK I AM GOOD AT SEX.
I'M JUST FAST AT IT,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I'M A RESPECTFUL GUY.I KNOW YOU GOT THINGS TO DO.
I'M GONNA LET YOUGET BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULE.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S UP?
YOU EVER BEENIN THIS SITUATION, THOUGH, MAN?
YOU EVER BEEN IN A SITUATIONWHERE YOU'RE ABOUT TO
HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODYAND YOU COULD JUST TELL
THAT PERSON IS BRINGINGWAY MORE SKILLS TO THE TABLE
THAN YOU ARE QUALIFIEDTO DEAL WITH?
YOU'RE GETTING NAKED.
SHE'S STRETCHING ANDSHADOWBOXING IN THE CORNER.
YOU'RE TAKING OFF YOUR PANTS.
SHE'S PUTTING ON A HEADBANDWITH A JAPANESE SUNRISE.
SHE KEEPS DOING THIS MOTION.
I GOT WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUELAST WEEK.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY, RIGHT?THIS REALLY HAPPENED.
I MET A GIRL AT A COMEDY SHOW,WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER DO.
ALTHOUGH TONIGHT,IT'S PROBABLY OKAY.
AND, UH...
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M ON TV, SO SOMEONESHOULD PROBABLY BANG ME.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY THOUGH.
I MET THIS GIRLAT THE COMEDY SHOW, RIGHT?
SHE COMES BACK TO MY HOTEL.WE GET NAKED. I LOOK DOWN.
SHE'S GOT KNIFE CUTSON HER LEGS.
AND THEN SHE'S GOT KNIFE CUTSUP HERE.
AND I DON'T MEAN CUTS LIKE,"OH, WERE YOU AN ATHLETE?"
I MEAN, CUTS LIKE,"OH, WERE YOU A NINJA?"
LIKE...LIKE CUTS, RIGHT?
AND I SAID TO HER --I'M LIKE, "DO YOU CUT YOURSELF?"
SHE SAID WITH A STRAIGHT FACE --SHE GOES,
"NO, I LIKE TO BE TIED DOWN
AND HAVE A GUY DRAGA KNIFE BLADE ALONG MY BODY."
SHE SAID,"IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BLEED.
IT JUST MAKES THE SKIN RISE UP."
"FIRST OF ALL..."
[ LAUGHTER ]
"...GOODBYE!
"I'M NOT TRYING TO GET AIDS
AND SALMONELLAON A FRIDAY NIGHT."
[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]