The Three Daves - Uncensored

  • Season 2 , Ep 3
  • 02/04/2004
  • Views: 104,680

Take a look at the moments that made Dave the man he is today. (5:37)

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MANY GUYS ARE FAMILIARWITH MY ON-SCREEN PERSONA,

BUT THE QUESTION KEEPSPOPPING UP:

WHO ISDAVE CHAPPELLE, REALLY ?

WELL, GUYS, THE ANSWER ISN'TSO SIMPLE.

YOU SEE,IN THE LAST 12 YEARS,

I'VE BEEN AT LEAST THREEDIFFERENT PEOPLE.

HERE'S ME AT 18:

SINCERE, EARNEST, RELENTLESSLYOPTIMISTIC.

THEN THERE WAS ME AT 24:

BUDDING MOVIE STAR,REEFER ADDICT

AND A MANWITH A SEXUAL APPETITE

THAT WOULD MAKE MICHAEL DOUGLASSEEM GAY.

THEN, OF COURSE, IS THE MANWHO STANDS IN FRONT OF YOU NOW:

PROUD FATHER, LOYAL HUSBANDAND PROMPT TAXPAYER.

ALL THREE OFTHESE MEN HAD DIFFERENT PSYCHES

AND HANDLED THINGS IN VERYDIFFERENT WAYS.

AND WITH YOUR PERMISSION,

I'D LIKE TO EXPLORE THESE THREEMEN TONIGHT

IN A PIECETHAT I LIKE TO CALL:

"THREE DAVES."

♪♪

ALL RIGHT, FIRST SCENARIO.

LET'S SAY I'M HAVINGPROBLEMS IN A RELATIONSHIP.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK AT HOWI USED TO HANDLE THAT AT 18 ?

(music playing)

SHA'RON, SHA'RON, LOOK.

I WANTTO WORK THIS OUT,

BUT YOU GOTTA TALKTO ME.

YOU GOTTA OPEN UP.

LAST WEEK, WHEN WE WERE AT THATDAS EFX CONCERT,

I RIGGITY REALIZED ..

I LIGGITY LOVE YOU.

CLICKETY CLOW !

COME ON, GIRL,DON'T BE LIKE THIS.

YOU ACT LIKE ALLI WANT TO DO

IS ZOOMA,ZOOM-ZOOM IN YOUR BOOM-BOOM.

WHY YOU GOTTA BELIKE THIS ?

CLICKETY CLOW !

WHAT A BIGGITY BITCH.

I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF,OF COURSE.

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S SEE HOW I HANDLEDRELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES

AT 24.

I LOVE HER BUT SHEDON'T TRUST ME.

I CAN'T BE WITHSOMEONE WHO DON'T TRUST ME.

OH, THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE.

DO YOU WANTANOTHER SONG, HONEY ?

YES, I DO.

$10.I KNOW.

AND THE OTHER DAY,

YOU KNOW WHAT SHEHAD THE NERVE TO SAY TO ME ?

THAT I SMELL LIKE I BEENAT A TITTY BAR.

SO THE FUCK WHAT!

WELL, LET'S SEE HOW I HANDLERELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS TODAY,

NOW THATI'M A FATHER AND A HUSBAND

AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF.

( sighing )

( whispering )BABY...

BABY, YOU UP ?

( audience laughing )

OH, OOH.

SCENARIO TWO.

LET'S SAY I'MPULLED OVER BY THE POLICE,

AND I'M BEING TREATED LESSTHAN FAIRLY.

THESE KINDS OF THINGS HAPPEN.

WHY DON'T WE SEE HOW 18-YEAR-OLDDAVE USED TO HANDLE THAT ?

HELP !

OKAY.

NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT 24-YEAR-OLD DAVE.

I AIN'T DO NOTHIN'!GET ON THE GROUND !

GET ON--ON THE GROUND !ALL RIGHT!

HEY-YEAH!

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHY DON'T YOUGET ON THE GROUND ?

THAT'S RIGHT-- GIVE ME MYLICENSE BACK.

NOW, SPREAD YOUR CHEEKSAND LIFT YOUR SAC.

THAT'S RIGHT,AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?

I AM HIGH...I'M HIGH !

AND NOW, LET'S TAKE A LOOKAT 30-YEAR-OLD DAVE.

HI, LICENSE, INSURANCEAND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.

SURE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT,

I WAS RUNNING LATEFOR A SHOOT FOR MY SHOW...

CHAPPELLE'S SHOW,I'M DAVE CHAPPELLE ?

OH, YEAH ?

I'M RICH, BITCH.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT ?

DON'T GET IT.

BUCKLE UP, BABY !

YAH!

OVER THE LAST 12 YEARSOF MY CAREER,

I WENT THROUGHA LOT OF UPS AND DOWNS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASK ME, "DAVE,HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT

WHEN YOU LOSE OUT ON A MOVIEPART THAT YOU REALLY WANT ?"

IT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW I USEDTO HANDLE IT AT 18 RIGHT NOW.

WELL, WHO GOT THE PART ?

THE WAYANS BROTHERS ?

THERE'S, THERE'S MORE ?

AND HERE'SHOW I HANDLED THE SAME TYPE

OF SITUATION AT 24.

CHRIS TUCKER... FUCK !

THIS IS THE SECOND TIME THISHAPPENED.

WHO GOT THE OTHER PART ?

TELL ME MAN, JUST--

JACKIE CHAN ?

THAT MOTHERFUCKERCAN'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH.

SHIT !

AND NOW, HERE'S HOW SENSIBLESHOE DAVE

HANDLES IT AT 30.

WHO ?

WHO'S NICK CANNON ?

DADDY, NICK CANNON IS HILARIOUS.

MAN, FUCK YOU, SON.

YOU PROBABLY THINKHE'S SO GODDAMNED HILARIOUS

BECAUSE HE JUST WALKED OFF WITHYOUR SCHOOL CLOTHES MONEY.

IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT ?

I'M BROKE, NIGGA,I'M BROKE !

WELL, I GUESS THAT GIVES YOUGUYS A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

OF HOW I'VECHANGED OVER THE YEARS.

BUT BEFORE I GO, I JUST WANTTO GIVE EACH OF ME

A CHANCETO TELL YOU THEIR OVERALL

PHILOSOPHY IN LIFE.

18-YEAR-OLD DAVE, YOU'RE ON.

"WHEN YOU LOSE...

DON'T LOSE THE LESSON."

HIS HOLINESS, THE DALAI LAMA.

THAT WAS TOUCHING.

ALL RIGHT, HOW ABOUT YOU,ME AT 24 ?

"HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY...

SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY."

NATE DOGG.

DAVE AT 30,WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME ?

FUCK NICK CANNON.

DAVE CHAPPELLE.

HE'S HILARIOUS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE ALITTLE BITCH, ALL RIGHT ?

STOP SAYING THAT, YOU TRYINGTO MAKE YOUR FATHER FEEL BAD ?

I GOTTA PAY ALL THE BILLSAROUND HERE.

YOU'RE GONNAGO TELL YOUR MOTHER ?

YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER I'M CUSSIN'IN THE HOUSE !

THAT'S RIGHT, SHIT !

( cheers & applause )

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