Ted Alexandro - Prison

  • Season 5 , Ep 7
  • 08/12/2001
  • Views: 7,328

Ted has decided that he wants to go to prison. (2:02)

THOSE HBO PRISON DOCUMENTARIES.

YOU EVER SEEN THOSE?

BEHIND THE SCENES OF PRISON,

MAN.

THEY TELL YOU ALL THE STUFF THAT

GOES ON.

WHO'S WHOSE BITCH.

(LAUGHTER)

I DECIDED I DON'T WANNA GO TO

PRISON.

I THINK IF A GUY TRIED TO RAPE

ME, I WOULD IMMEDIATELY TRY TO

RAPE HIM BACK.

I'D BE LIKE--

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

I'M RAPING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?

GET AWAY FROM ME, MAN!

I'M RAPING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

GET THIS GUY OFF ME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, HE'D GET ALL FED UP,

LIKE I DON'T EVEN WANNA RAPE YOU

ANYMORE!

THEN WORD WOULD GET OUT ON THE

CELL THAT I WAS A DIFFICULT

RAPE.

HE'D BE LIKE--

YEAH, HE TRIES TO RAPE YOU BACK!

REALLY?

CAN HE DO THAT?

YEAH!

HE DOES IT!

HE LIKE FOLLOWS YOU AROUND, MAN!

IT'S LIKE- IT'S REALLY

UNCOMFORTABLE!

(APPLAUSE)

YEAH, MAN!

SO, DO YOU GUYS LIKE DOGS?

DO WE HAVE A DOG CROWD HERE?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YEAH?

I DON'T LIKE DOGS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY:

THERE'S THIS BIG CLOUD OF LIES

AND DECEIT SURROUNDING DOGS.

CREATED BY THEIR OWNERS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING EXCUSES

FOR THE DOG'S BEHAVIOR.

"SHE JUST LIKES YOU."

(LAUGHTER)

"SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

YEAH, WELL SHE'S BITIN' MY ASS.

COULD YOU MAYBE DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE JUST A HUNCH,

I MAY NEED MY ASS.

IT'S LIKE THEY LOSE ALL ABILITY

TO GAUGE WHAT'S ACCEPTABLE

BEHAVIOR JUST BECAUSE IT'S A

DOG.

LIKE IF MY GRANDMOTHER WAS

JUMPING UP ON YOUR LAP...

AND LICKING YOUR CROTCH...

I WOULDN'T DISMISS IT WITH JUST,

"SHE LIKES YOU."

"SHE'S BEING PLAYFUL."

"GO ON, GRANDMA, LICK BALLS.

GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.

WHO'S MY GRANDMA?

YOU ARE.

YES, YOU ARE.

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