John Oliver - Historical Evidence

  • Season 3 , Ep 1
  • 07/20/2012
  • Views: 18,972

John Oliver explains why this is the worst time for us to have an empire. (2:15)

YOU DESERVE SYMPATHY,

AND IT'S ALLBECAUSE OF THESE THINGS.

YOU ARE (bleep)BECAUSE OF THESE,

'CAUSE ALL YOU'RE DOING ISFILMING EACH OTHER ALL DAY LONG

AND THEN UPLOADING THE FOOTAGETO THE INTERNET

WHERE IT WILL BE FOREVER.

AND EVEN YOUR RESPONSE THEREDOESN'T SEEM TO SUGGEST

THAT YOU THINKTHAT'S A PROBLEM.

FOREVER,IT WILL BE THERE FOREVER.

BECAUSE OF CELL PHONES YOU ARELEAVING WAY TOO MUCH EVIDENCE

FOR THE REST OF HISTORYOF WHAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY LIKE.

NO OTHER EMPIREHAS HAD THIS PROBLEM.

LOOK AT ANCIENT EGYPT.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THINGYOU THINK OF

WHEN YOU THINK OFANCIENT EGYPT?PHARAOHS.

PHARAOHS.

WHAT IS THE SECOND THINGYOU THINK OF?

(laughter)

BECAUSE NOBODY EVER THINKSABOUT PHARAOHS FIRST.

NOBODY, NOBODY.

ANCIENT EGYPT, "OH, PHARAOHS,JOHN, PHARAOHS."

THEN I GUESS GRAIN.

THEY WERE A GRAIN-BASED NATION,WEREN'T THEY?

TRY AGAIN.THE PYRAMIDS.

PYRAMIDS, THAT'S RIGHT.THAT'S RIGHT.

(laughter and applause)

PYRAMIDS, PYRAMIDS,

AND THEN LITERALLYNOTHING ELSE,

DEFINITELY NOT PHARAOHS.

AND HOW LUCKY.

HOW LUCKY FOR THE ANCIENTEGYPTIANS TO BE JUDGED

BY THEIR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT,THEIR PYRAMIDS,

AND NOT THE FACTTHAT MOST ANCIENT EGYPTIANS,

JUST LIKE MOST PEOPLE ALIVEIN ANY COUNTRY AT ANY TIME,

WERE PROBABLY(bleep) IDIOTS,

KICKING EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS,PUSHING EACH OTHER OVER,

WALKING AROUNDLIKE THIS ALL DAY.

OH, SURE,THAT LOOKS MAJESTIC

WHEN IT'S PAINTEDON THE SIDE OF A CAVE,

BUT IF YOU ACTUALLY SAWFOOTAGE OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY

WALKING AROUND LIKE THISCOMMUTING TO WORK...

"OH, WE STILLHAVE A WAY TO GO."

IF YOU ACTUALLY SAW FOOTAGEOF THAT HAPPENING,

YOU'RE ONLY RESPONSEWOULD BE,

"WHAT THE (bleep) IS WRONGWITH THESE PEOPLE,

AND WHY DO THEY KEEPSTARING AT CATS?"

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