Steve Marmel - Election Year

  • Season 3 , Ep 2
  • 05/15/2000
  • Views: 3,895

HOW ARE YA?

HELLO, NEW YORK.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HEREIN A WHILE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK HERE

SINCE GUILIANIMADE THE HOMELESS DISAPPEAR.

I HAD FRIENDS GOING,

"DON'T YOU CAREWHERE THEY WENT?"

NO.

DON'T KNOW WHEREFLOCK OF SEAGULLS WENT EITHER;

I'M JUST [bleep] GLADTHEY'RE GONE.

LOOK, I TRY TO HAVE SYMPATHYFOR THE HOMELESS.

I REALLY DO.

BUT I'M $25,000IN CREDIT CARD DEBT,

SO IT'S NOTGOING TO HAPPEN EVER.

"DO YOU HAVE A QUARTER?I'M BROKE."

"[bleep] YOU.YOU'RE NOT BROKE; YOU'RE EVEN."

LOOK, I COMEFROM A PART OF THE COUNTRY

THAT DOESN'T HAVEA HOMELESS PROBLEM.

I'M FROM WISCONSIN.

WE DON'T HAVE A HOMELESS--

HA, HA! NICE.

WE DON'T HAVEA HOMELESS PROBLEM THERE

BECAUSE WE HAVE A PROGRAMTO TAKE CARE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

IT'S CALLED WINTER.

[laughter]

AND IT IS PRETTY DAMN EFFECTIVE.

JUNE: HOMELESS;JANUARY: I DON'T KNOW.

THE HOMELESS HAVEN'TREALLY BEEN AN ISSUE

THIS ELECTION SO FAR,HAVE THEY?

IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR.

I LOVE ELECTION YEARS,BUT I HATE THIS ELECTION YEAR,

'CAUSE IT'S OVER.

IT'S BUSH AND GORE.THAT'S IT.

BUSH AND GORE.

DOESN'T SOUND LIKE AN ELECTION.IT SOUNDS LIKE A SNUFF FILM.

[laughter]

IT REALLY--IT SUCKS.

IT'S JUST--BUSH, LIKE,WALK AROUND GOING,

"I'M NOT AN INSIDER."

YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT'S KID.YOU'RE A BALDWIN.

YOU KNOW, JUST LISTENINGTO BUSH AND McCAIN--

WHO BY THE WAY HAS BEENIN THE SENATE FOR, LIKE, WHAT,

TWO DECADES--

CLAIM THAT EACH OTHERIS AN INSIDER.

IT'S LIKE LISTENINGTO SIEGFRIED AND ROY

CALL EACH OTHER HOMOS.

[in German accent]"YOU'RE A HOMO."

"NO, YOU'RE A HOMO.

I'M NOT THE HOMO;YOU'RE A HOMO."

I THINK THE BIGGEST REASONI'M MIFFED

IS 'CAUSE I LOVED McCAIN.

I LOVE JOHN McCAIN.

I THOUGHT HE WOULD HAVE MADEA GREAT PRESIDENT, MAN.

YEAH. EVEN THOUGH HE'SA LITTLE BIT GOOFY IN THE HEAD.

AND HE KEPT GOING,

"I'M GOING TO BE A PRESIDENTTO ALL PEOPLE."

YOU KNOW, SOMEHOW I DON'T THINKTHE VIETNAMESE

WERE GOING TO EVEN OUTIN THAT EQUATION.

"HEY, PRESIDENT McCAIN,

"THE CHAIRMAN OF THE VIETNAMESEBUSINESS ASSOCIATION

IS HERE TO SEE YOU."

"GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.PUT HIM IN A BOX!"

NOW BUCHANAN AND PEROTARE REARING THEIR HEADS AGAIN.

IT'S LIKE,"NOW DO YOU LIKE ME?"

"HEY, HEY, NO MEANS NO."

THESE GUYS ARE LIKE HERPES.EVERY FOUR YEARS--AAHH!

YOU KNOW WHY--YOU KNOW WHY IT SUCKS?

IT SUCKS 'CAUSE OFTHE PRIMARY SYSTEM.

IT'S JUST--BY THE TIME YOUGET TO ACTUAL STATES, IT'S OVER.

IT'S LIKE,SOUTH CAROLINA HAS A SAY?

WHEN DID WE ALLOW THATTO HAPPEN?

SHOULDN'T IT BE ACTUAL STATESWITH REAL PEOPLE?

I WOULDN'T LET THESE PEOPLESET A WATCH,

LET ALONE PRECEDENT.

THEY'RE TRYING TO GET RIDOF THEIR MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

AND REPLACE ITWITH A PRO-SOUTH CIVIL WAR DAY--

THREE OF THEM:

JEFFERSON DAVIS DAY,ROBERT E. LEE DAY,

AND OF COURSE THE OVERLY POPULARLYNYRD SKYNYRD DAY.

THEY DON'T GET THE FACTTHAT WE DON'T LIKE THEM.

THEY HAVE THE REBEL FLAG.

THEY HAVE THE CONFEDERATE FLAGON THEIR STATEHOUSE,

AND THEY DON'T GET THE FACTTHAT WE'RE MIFFED.

"WHAT'S ALL--WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?"

IT'S A SYMBOL OF EVIL.

YOU CAN'T WASH THAT AWAYWITH A DITTY

OR A PUBLIC, YOU KNOW,PUBLIC RELATIONS CAMPAIGN.

"WE'RE OKAY-K-K."

♪ SOUTH CAROLINA...YES, WE KLAN. ♪

LETTING THESE PEOPLESTEER THE ELECTION

IS LIKE PUTTING THE KIDWITH THE HELMET

IN CHARGE OF THELITTLE YELLOW BUS.

"WHO DO YOU LIKE THIS YEAR?"

"I LIKE PUDDING."

AND GEORGE BUSH IS PROUDOF THIS VICTORY.

IT WAS HIS DEFINING MOMENT.

"I TOOK SOUTH CAROLINA."

GREAT, YOU'RE THE FASTESTRUNNER AT THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.

"I GOT A MEDAL!"

EVERYBODY GETS A MEDAL.

UTAH--UTAH HAS A SAY.

HOW HARD IS ITTO WIN IN UTAH?

YOU GET TEN GUYSTO VOTE FOR YA;

THEY FORCE THEIR WIVESTO VOTE FOR YA--IT'S OVER.

[laughter]

MORMONS!

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