Sam Simmons - Rules for the Gig

  • Season 1 , Ep 7
  • 12/12/2013
  • Views: 10,313

Sam Simmons goes over a few simple but important rules for his show. (2:03)

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- THANK YOUFOR DOING THAT.

WHO'S THAT GUY?WHO'S THAT GUY?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,WELCOME TO ME DOING SOME THINGS!

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ THINGS

- THINGS.

I'M SURE YOU'REJUST LOOKING AT ME

LIKE DR. PHIL[bleep] A SUPER MARIO BROTHER

IN A THRIFT STORE.

- ♪ DON'T HAVE SEXIN A THRIFT STORE ♪

- DON'T--DON'T DO THAT.CAN I PLEASE HAVE SOME RULES

CAN I PLEASE HAVESOME RULES MUSIC?

- ♪ RULES MUSIC

[groovy MIDI music]

- ALL RIGHT, THESE ARE THE RULESFOR MY GIG, PEOPLE.

THESE ARE THE RULES.YOU READY?

RULE NUMBER ONE, DO NOT RUNAROUND WITH SCISSORS AT THE GIG.

YOU'RE LIABLETO SNIP A NIPPLE.

SNIPPLE.

[groovy MIDI music]

PLEASE DO NOT MOLEST PEOPLEAT THE GIG.

DO NOT MOLEST PEOPLEAT THE GIG,

UNLESS YOU KNOWTHE PERSON BESIDE YOU,

THEN MOLEST AWAY.

THERE'LL BE NO FAT HIPSTERS.

FAT HIPSTERS ARE BANNEDFROM THE GIG.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENSAFTER 20 YEARS

OF EATING MACAROONSAND SLOW-ROASTED PORK BELLY.

YOUR SLEEVE TATTOOS STARTTO LOOK LIKE SALVADOR DALI,

YOU [bleep] IDIOTS.

THAT'S RUSSELL.

HE CAN'T FINDHIS BACKPACK ANYWHERE.

QUICK CELEBRITY IMPRESSION,PEOPLE.

QUICK CELEBRITY IMPRESSION.WHO AM I?

"HELLO, MY NAME'SWOOKIEE GOLDBERG,

AND WELCOMETO THE VIEW."

[imitates Wookiee growl]

WHOOPI AND WOOKIEEKIND OF SOUND THE SAME.

WHOOPI FROM BEHIND.

AW, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

NEVER GIVE A BLIND MANA CHEESE GRATER

AND TELL HIMIT'S A VIOLENT GRAPHIC NOVEL.

"IT'S BRAILLE."

[screams]

[laughter]

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