Rob Christensen - Bad Neighborhoods & The Case of "Why Is She Crying?"

Adam Killed a Man Season 2, Ep 2 09/12/2014 Views: 1,868

Rob Christensen is always three beers away from doing something truly terrible, which is why he should stop drinking. (1:44)

Watch Full Episode

I GOTTA STOP DRINKING TONIGHT

I DO.NOT 'CAUSE I'M ALCOHOLIC.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.

I GOT TO STOP DRINKING

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYSTHREE BEERS AWAY

FROM A NECK TATTOO.

I AM NECK TATTOO PEOPLE.

I LIVEIN THE NECK TATTOO ZONE.

I LOVE 'EM'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE A WARNING.

LIKE, YOU KNOWYOU'RE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

BY HOW MANY WOMENHAVE NECK TATTOOS.

YOU KNOWYOU'RE IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD

IF YOU SEE A WHITE DUDESMOKING A CIGARETTE

IN THIS POSITION.

THAT DUDESELLS BRIDES, OKAY?

STAY AWAY FROM HIM.

DO NOT TRUST ANYONEIN A FILA TRACKSUIT

AND LEATHER SANDALS, OKAY?

YOU CAN'T EVEN BUYA FILA TRACKSUIT IN AMERICA.

YOU HAVE TO BUY ITIN RUSSIA.

THAT DUDEIS STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT.

NOT LIKE THE SAYING"STRAIGHT OFF THE BOAT."

LIKE, LITERALLY HITTINGTHE BOTTOM OF A BOAT

TO GET TO AMERICAWITH THREE BLONDES,

AND THEY'RE ALL FOR SALE.

I'M BAD AT DATING.

THAT'S A SEGUE.I AM.

FOR ME, HAVING A GIRLFRIENDIS LIKE BEING A DETECTIVE

THAT ONLY SOLVESONE CRIME,

THE CASEOF WHY IS SHE CRYING?

OVER AND OVERAND OVER.

WAS IT SOMETHING ON TV,SOMETHING IN A MOVIE?

WAS IT A CAT VIDEOON YOUTUBE?

WAS IT HORMONES ALONE?

HORMONES MIXEDWITH LITERALLY ANYTHING?

IS IT SOMETHING I SAIDSIX MONTHS AGO?

SOMETHING I'M SAYINGRIGHT NOW?

SOMETHING YOU THINK I MIGHT SAYSIX MONTHS FROM NOW,

OR SOMETHINGTHAT AN ACTOR ON TV

THAT KINDOF LOOKED LIKE ME SAID?

DREAMS?

[cheers and applause]

WHY AM I IN TROUBLEFOR YOUR DREAMS?

IF I CAN'T KEEP A GIRL,