Megan Mooney - Drinking Race

  • Season 10 , Ep 9
  • 03/16/2006
  • Views: 14,879

Megan practices ordering alcohol. (3:16)

I'M NOT DRINKING TONIGHT, MOSTLY 'CAUSE WHEN I DRINK,

I SEEM TO THINK THAT I'M IN A RACE.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER DO THAT.

WHERE YOU GETRIGHT IN SOMEONE'S FACE

AND YOU'RE LIKE "I'M WINNING!"AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?""SORRY, I VOMITED ON YOUR SHOES,

BUT YOU GOTTA CROSS THE FINISH LINE."

LAST TIME I GOT DRUNKWITH MY FRIENDS, I GOT SO DRUNK

THAT I WAS NO LONGER BEING SERVED ALCOHOL BASED ON THE WAY THAT I SOUNDED.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN TO THAT POINT

IN THE NIGHT, IT'S NOT GOOD WHEN YOU CAN NO LONGER CLEARLY COMMUNICATE YOUR DRINK NEEDS

TO THE BARTENDER. BUT IN YOUR HEAD,

YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE DRUNK YET.

YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT UP. I WAS STANDING AT THE BAR

WAITING FOR MY TURN TO ORDER, AND IT WAS MY TURN TO ORDER.

EVERYONE BUT ME KNEW IT. I WAS JUST STANDING THERE LIKE

"AHHHHHH. EHHHHHH. ARRRRRRRGH."

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE"DID YOU JUST GROWL?"

NOW I'M EMBARRASSED.I WAS LIKE "I'M A LION."

THAT'S THE BEST I COULD DO.

SOMEONE BOUGHT ME A MARTINI, AND I PROCEEDED TO DRINK IT

LIKE I WAS A KITTY CAT. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT.

IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO FINISH MY DRINK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I HAD TO GO TO THE BACK OF THE BAR

AND PRACTICE HOW TO ORDER A DRINK.

WHEN YOU NEED TO REMOVE YOURSELF

FROM YOUR FRIENDS TO COME UP WITH A STRATEGY

FOR SOUNDING SOBER ENOUGH TO BE SERVED MORE ALCOHOL,

THE FUN IS BEHIND YOU.YOU SHOULD JUST CALL ITA NIGHT AND GO HOME.

NOT ME. I WAS LIKE, "LEAVE ME ALONE,

I HAVE TO FOCUS." I WAS BY MYSELF IN THE BACK OF THE BAR LIKE,

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE.

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE.

"COULD I PLEASE H--NO, STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

DON'T BE A HERO." YEAH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU'VE BEEN THERE.

"I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE." THEN I GOT ALL CONFIDENT.

I WENT STRAIGHT UP TO THE BAR, PUT MY MONEY DOWN.

I WAS LIKE"I JUST NEED ONE NINER--[BLEEP." AND I PANICKED.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.I HAD TO GO ALL THE WAYTO THE BACK OF THE BAR

AND PRACTICE FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES,

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T GET SERVED ALCOHOL WHEN YOU SCREAM OBSCENITIES

AT THE BARTENDER. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I FINALLY ORDERED PERFECTLY. "I WOULD LIKE A MILLER LITE."

AND THE BARTENDER GOES,"YOU WILL GET NOTHING!"

HE YELLED AT ME. AND IT WAS HORRIBLE,

BUT IT GOT WORSE 'CAUSE MY FRIENDS HEARD IT.

NOW THEY'RE LIKE, "OH OH OH OH OH!"

I WAS LIKE, "SHUT UP!" HE GOES,"YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH ALCOHOL

TO KILL A PONY." I DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR THAT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SPEAK A FULL SENTENCE IN FOUR HOURS.

NOW I GOTTA DEFEND MYSELF? AND I DID.

I WAS LIKE "I DO NOT DRINKTO KILL ANIMALS."

- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE] - YEAH.

THEN I MOON-WALKED OUTTA THE BAR,

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I SETTLE A DISPUTE.

I GET RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. I'M LIKE "YOU WANNA DANCE THIS BITCH OUT?" YEAH.

"NOT YOU." I'M LIKE, "TAKE IT."

EVERYONE GOT PICKED ON IN MY HOUSE.

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