Bert Kreischer - Big Boy Urinal

Kreischer, Notaro, Ryan, Earthquake Season 4, Ep 0411 02/03/2001 Views: 6,592

Bert pulls a Lennie on a kid in the bathroom. (2:12)

POPPING A FEW TOPS, GETTING LIKE

BOWLING ALLEY DRUNK, YOU KNOW?

YOU GET REALLY DRUNK YOU'RE

SAYING "HOWDY" AND CRAP LIKE

THAT.

AND I GO IN TO TAKE A PISS,

RIGHT?

AND YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU WALK

INTO THE BATHROOM THERE'S LIKE

FIVE URINALS LINED UP, THERE'S

ALWAYS ONE DROPPED DOWN FOR THE

KIDS, YOU KNOW?

I ACCIDENTALLY PEED IN THE KIDS'

ONE.

LIKE I GOT UP THERE, I THOUGHT

I WAS A GIANT AT FIRST.

I WAS, LIKE, WHAT HAPPENED?

(LAUGHTER)

"I'VE GOTTEN SO BIG!

I GOTTA SHOW EVERYONE THIS!"

AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME, OKAY,

I'M PEEING IN THE KIDS' ONE.

AND YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE KIDS ARE

SO ANIMATED WHEN THEY HAVE TO

PEE.

THEY'RE ALL...

AND HE LOOKS, AND HE SEES I'M

PEEING IN HIS URINAL, AND IT'S

TIME FOR HIM TO GRADUATE TO

THE BIG-BOY URINAL, YOU KNOW?

ALL IN ONE BREATH.

AND SO HE LOOKS AT ME, AND HE,

LIKE, GOES OVER TO THE URINAL

NEXT TO ME.

IT'S A LITTLE TALL, AND HE

UNDOES HIS PANTS AND DROPS 'EM

DOWN TO HIS KNEES.

YOU KNOW, HIS BUTT'S ALL SHOWING

LIKE A LITTLE KID.

AND HE LOOKS, AND HE'S TOO

SHORT, LIKE HE DOESN'T FIT.

SO HE TRIES TO TIPPY-TOE,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE, TO, STRETCHING IT AND

STUFF.

IT'S NOT GOING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SO HE, LIKE, TRIES TO

RAINBOW IT IN BY DOING THE

"MATRIX" LEAN-BACK.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT IT'S STILL NOT GOING, RIGHT?

AND I'M THINKING, I'M LIKE,

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA SAY--

THIS IS AWKWARD NOW, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN I SEE IT CLICK

IN HIS HEAD, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

OH, I GOT IT!

HE REACHES UP IN THAT STEEL POLE

BEHIND THE URINAL, AND LIKE

SYLVESTER STALLONE IN

"CLIFFHANGER," LIFTS HIMSELF UP,

AND PLOPS HIS TWIGS'N'BERRIES

INSIDE THE URINAL LIKE HE'S AN

ELEPHANT!

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

NO, THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING!

I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS

MY FAULT THIS KID'S GONNA GET

THE CLAP, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S ON THE URINAL MINT.

AND I'M LIKE, I CAN'T LET THIS

HAPPEN, THIS POOR KID, SO,

AND I'M DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND I LEAN OVER TO SAY TO HIM--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OUT OF

MY MOUTH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT, LIKE,

TWO WORDS INTO MY SENTENCE,

THIS KID REALIZES I'M WATCHING

HIM PISS, AND FREAKS, OKAY?

HE'S ALL, "AAAAHHHH!"

AND STARTS FREAKING OUT.

AND NOW I'M SCARED LIKE LENNY

FROM "OF MICE AND MEN," I'M ALL,

"YOU BE QUIET.

YOU BE QUIET!

BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!"

THANK YOU VERY MUCH