Kyle Kinane - Last Thing You're Going to Do

Kyle Kinane: Whiskey Icarus Season 1, Ep 101 11/24/2012 Views: 3,208

If anyone is planning on jumping off a building, Kyle Kinane has a few suggestions. (2:19)

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you guys probablyknow it up here--

called The Bridge.

Yeah, nobody ever cheersif they saw it.

They just--

For those of youthat don't know,

it's a documentaryabout all people

that jump offthe Golden Gate Bridge

trying to kill themselves.

And it was just--I thoughtit was a fascinating film

'cause they set up cameras

and they caught these people.

Well, they didn't catch 'em,but on film.

And they--[laughter and groans]

Yeah, yeah.I did that in San Francisco.

[laughter]

Like, I understand the why.

I understand if you wantto take an early exit.

Like, if you get to that pointin your life where you're like,

"I'm just gonna go to workfor the next 40 years.

I don't like this today.40 years of this?"

And right when you kind ofget your mind around like,

"Maybe it'll be okay,"

a coworker pops by like,"Don't forget,

there's karaokeevery Tuesday!"

You're like,"I'm taking off.

No way."

So I understand--I just never understood the how.

'Cause they show these people.

It's always the same kind ofperson, just kind of

disheveled, dirty sweatpants,shuffling up the edge.

A little bitof hemming and hawing,

and then just--pfft--over the side.

Just, like, not even one of themwore a cape or anything.

It's the last thingyou're gonna do.

Go out with a question markinstead of a period.

Let your loved ones--

It's a selfish thingyou're doing.

Give your loved onesjust, like, a moment of like,

"Huh, wha--hmm, really?"

I don't know, you know?

Go nice suit,umbrella at the last minute.

Mary Poppins theme.Confuse people.

Have one last trickup your sleeve,

you know?

If I get to that pointwhere I'm gonna get out of here,

I'm not gonna losemy commitment

to the art of performanceor personal flair.

I will do it.I'm gonna jump off a building.

But I'm gonna do it

wearing a snorkel maskand flippers.

And then right nextto where I'm gonna land,

I wanna havea little glass of water set up.

Because that way,people can wonder,

"Did he wanna kill himself,or is this

just the worst daredevilwe've ever seen?"

It wouldn't evenbe a suicide,

there'd just be a Post-iton the ledge like,

"I think I can make it."

People are like,"Make what?

"What was he gonna make?

"There's...

"Logistically,this is impo--

Maybe he didn't calculatefor wind, I don't know."

Just allow that much.