Jeff Dunham: AND NOW,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE

TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE THATI THINK AUDIENCES ENJOY,

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONELIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE THISIN YOUR OWN FAMILY OR WHERE YOU

WORK.

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME WALTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]"SHUT THE HELL UP.

DA-HAA-HAA-HAA!

HATE THIS DAMN JOB."

WHY?

"MAKE ME FOLLOW THE PURPLEIDIOT, HE'S LIKE A MUPPET

ON CRACK AND THEN THAT FILIPINOON A STICK."

HE'S A JALAPENO.

WELL, HE'S A JALAPENO.

"JALAPENO, FILIPINO, JUST PUT ITON A STICK AND GET HIM THE HELL

OUTTA HERE.

HIM AND THAT SUPERHERO IDIOT."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MELVIN?

"HE'S IN THE TRUNK ALL DAYGOING, DA-DA-DA!"

THAT "D" ON HIS CHEST STANDS FOR'DUMBASS.'

HIS THEME SONG SHOULD BEDA-DA-DUMBASS."

WALTER, AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO BEHERE?

"OH, OVERJOYED, FRICKIN'NEW YORK, COULDN'T FIND NO PLACE

TO PARK.

AND SOME JERK PULLED UP IN ABRAND-NEW MERCEDES GOES RIGHT

IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.

HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR ANDTHERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

DON'T YOU?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]SO, I RAN HIM OVER.

I MADE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF HIM.

THEN HIS MOTHER GOT OFF THEOTHER AND STARTED SWINGING HER

CRUTCHES AT ME.

TOOK HER OUT WITH THE DOOR."

DON'T YOU FEEL KINDA BAD?

"OH, HELL, THEY CAN CARPOOL."

WALTER, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE'SIN TOWN.

"OH, YEAH."

SHE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

"SHE ALWAYS HAS A GOOD TIME."

GOOD.

"PISSES ME OFF."

YOU GUYS GOT IN ANOTHER ARGUMENTTHIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU?

"YEAH."

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THATWOMEN AGE LIKE FINE WINE.

"SHE'S AGING LIKE MILK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

"46 YEARS."

OH.

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"12 YEARS.

"YOU'LL SEE."

WHAT?

"REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID TILLDEATH DO US PART?"

YEAH.

"LATER, YOU REALIZED YOU WEREACTUALLY SETTING A GOAL."

[LAUGHTER]WALTER, WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE

TO YOU?

"MARRIAGE TO ME IS LIKE DRINKINGA FROZEN DRINK."

FROZEN DRINK?

"FIRST COUPLA SIPS IT'S LIKEBOY, IT'S REALLY GOOD, I'M GLAD

I DID THIS."

AND YOU KEEP DRINKING AND YOUHAVE TOO MUCH.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, "OW, OW,OW, OW. OH, MY HEAD.

THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.

GETTIN' MARRIED'S KINDA LIKEBUYING A NEW CAR."

NEW CAR?

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THAT CARIN THE SHOWROOM FLOOR JUST

BEFORE YOU TAKE IT HOME?"YEAH.

"THAT'S AS GOOD AS IT'S EVERGONNA LOOK.

PRETTY SOON IT'LL HAVE DENTSAND SCRATCHES.

PARTS START TO WEAR OUT.

THEN THE NEW MODEL'S COME OUTAND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH, OH.

HONEY, COULD I JUST SIT IN IT?"[LAUGHTER]