Jeff Dunham: AND NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE

TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE THAT

I THINK AUDIENCES ENJOY,

BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE

LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE THIS

IN YOUR OWN FAMILY OR WHERE YOU

WORK.

PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME WALTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SHUT THE HELL UP.

DA-HAA-HAA-HAA!

HATE THIS DAMN JOB."

WHY?

"MAKE ME FOLLOW THE PURPLE

IDIOT, HE'S LIKE A MUPPET

ON CRACK AND THEN THAT FILIPINO

ON A STICK."

HE'S A JALAPENO.

WELL, HE'S A JALAPENO.

"JALAPENO, FILIPINO, JUST PUT IT

ON A STICK AND GET HIM THE HELL

OUTTA HERE.

HIM AND THAT SUPERHERO IDIOT."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MELVIN?

"HE'S IN THE TRUNK ALL DAY

GOING, DA-DA-DA!"

THAT "D" ON HIS CHEST STANDS FOR

'DUMBASS.'

HIS THEME SONG SHOULD BE

DA-DA-DUMBASS."

WALTER, AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO BE

HERE?

"OH, OVERJOYED, FRICKIN'

NEW YORK, COULDN'T FIND NO PLACE

TO PARK.

AND SOME JERK PULLED UP IN A

BRAND-NEW MERCEDES GOES RIGHT

IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.

HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

DON'T YOU HATE THAT?

DON'T YOU?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, I RAN HIM OVER.

I MADE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF HIM.

THEN HIS MOTHER GOT OFF THE

OTHER AND STARTED SWINGING HER

CRUTCHES AT ME.

TOOK HER OUT WITH THE DOOR."

DON'T YOU FEEL KINDA BAD?

"OH, HELL, THEY CAN CARPOOL."

WALTER, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE'S

IN TOWN.

"OH, YEAH."

SHE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

"SHE ALWAYS HAS A GOOD TIME."

GOOD.

"PISSES ME OFF."

YOU GUYS GOT IN ANOTHER ARGUMENT

THIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU?

"YEAH."

WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT

WOMEN AGE LIKE FINE WINE.

"SHE'S AGING LIKE MILK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?

"46 YEARS."

OH.

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

12 YEARS.

"YOU'LL SEE."

WHAT?

"REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID TILL

DEATH DO US PART?"

YEAH.

"LATER, YOU REALIZED YOU WERE

ACTUALLY SETTING A GOAL."

[LAUGHTER]

WALTER, WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE

TO YOU?

"MARRIAGE TO ME IS LIKE DRINKING

A FROZEN DRINK."

FROZEN DRINK?

"FIRST COUPLA SIPS IT'S LIKE

BOY, IT'S REALLY GOOD, I'M GLAD

I DID THIS."

AND YOU KEEP DRINKING AND YOU

HAVE TOO MUCH.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, "OW, OW,

OW, OW. OH, MY HEAD.

THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.

GETTIN' MARRIED'S KINDA LIKE

BUYING A NEW CAR."

NEW CAR?

"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THAT CAR

IN THE SHOWROOM FLOOR JUST

BEFORE YOU TAKE IT HOME?"

YEAH.

"THAT'S AS GOOD AS IT'S EVER

GONNA LOOK.

PRETTY SOON IT'LL HAVE DENTS

AND SCRATCHES.

PARTS START TO WEAR OUT.

THEN THE NEW MODEL'S COME OUT

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH, OH.

HONEY, COULD I JUST SIT IN IT?"

[LAUGHTER]

WALTER, HOW'S THE SEX?