Jeff Dunham: AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE SOMEONE THAT
I THINK AUDIENCES ENJOY,
BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS SOMEONE
LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY LIKE THIS
IN YOUR OWN FAMILY OR WHERE YOU
WORK.
PLEASE HELP ME WELCOME WALTER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"SHUT THE HELL UP.
DA-HAA-HAA-HAA!
HATE THIS DAMN JOB."
WHY?
"MAKE ME FOLLOW THE PURPLE
IDIOT, HE'S LIKE A MUPPET
ON CRACK AND THEN THAT FILIPINO
ON A STICK."
HE'S A JALAPENO.
WELL, HE'S A JALAPENO.
"JALAPENO, FILIPINO, JUST PUT IT
ON A STICK AND GET HIM THE HELL
OUTTA HERE.
HIM AND THAT SUPERHERO IDIOT."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MELVIN?
"HE'S IN THE TRUNK ALL DAY
GOING, DA-DA-DA!"
THAT "D" ON HIS CHEST STANDS FOR
'DUMBASS.'
HIS THEME SONG SHOULD BE
DA-DA-DUMBASS."
WALTER, AREN'T YOU HAPPY TO BE
HERE?
"OH, OVERJOYED, FRICKIN'
NEW YORK, COULDN'T FIND NO PLACE
TO PARK.
AND SOME JERK PULLED UP IN A
BRAND-NEW MERCEDES GOES RIGHT
IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT.
HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.
DON'T YOU HATE THAT?
DON'T YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO, I RAN HIM OVER.
I MADE AN HONEST MAN OUT OF HIM.
THEN HIS MOTHER GOT OFF THE
OTHER AND STARTED SWINGING HER
CRUTCHES AT ME.
TOOK HER OUT WITH THE DOOR."
DON'T YOU FEEL KINDA BAD?
"OH, HELL, THEY CAN CARPOOL."
WALTER, I UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE'S
IN TOWN.
"OH, YEAH."
SHE HAVING A GOOD TIME?
"SHE ALWAYS HAS A GOOD TIME."
GOOD.
"PISSES ME OFF."
YOU GUYS GOT IN ANOTHER ARGUMENT
THIS MORNING, DIDN'T YOU?
"YEAH."
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THAT
WOMEN AGE LIKE FINE WINE.
"SHE'S AGING LIKE MILK."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
HOW LONG YOU BEEN MARRIED?
"46 YEARS."
OH.
"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
12 YEARS.
"YOU'LL SEE."
WHAT?
"REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID TILL
DEATH DO US PART?"
YEAH.
"LATER, YOU REALIZED YOU WERE
ACTUALLY SETTING A GOAL."
[LAUGHTER]
WALTER, WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE
TO YOU?
"MARRIAGE TO ME IS LIKE DRINKING
A FROZEN DRINK."
FROZEN DRINK?
"FIRST COUPLA SIPS IT'S LIKE
BOY, IT'S REALLY GOOD, I'M GLAD
I DID THIS."
AND YOU KEEP DRINKING AND YOU
HAVE TOO MUCH.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, "OW, OW,
OW, OW. OH, MY HEAD.
THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.
GETTIN' MARRIED'S KINDA LIKE
BUYING A NEW CAR."
NEW CAR?
"YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE THAT CAR
IN THE SHOWROOM FLOOR JUST
BEFORE YOU TAKE IT HOME?"
YEAH.
"THAT'S AS GOOD AS IT'S EVER
GONNA LOOK.
PRETTY SOON IT'LL HAVE DENTS
AND SCRATCHES.
PARTS START TO WEAR OUT.
THEN THE NEW MODEL'S COME OUT
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, OH, OH.
HONEY, COULD I JUST SIT IN IT?"
[LAUGHTER]
WALTER, HOW'S THE SEX?