Judy Gold - Two Kids

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 6,134

Judy and her partner each gave birth to a child. (3:19)

RIGHT OUT OF THE VAGINA.

LET ME SAY ONE THING ABOUT

THE VAGINA, SERIOUSLY.

NO, THE FACT THAT THAT VAGINA

GETS SO ENORMOUS TO LET THAT

BABY OUT IS SUCH A MIRACLE

AND THEN IT NEVER GOES BACK

TO ITS ORIGINAL ELASTICITY.

IN FACT, I AM PEEING RIGHT NOW

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BUT, WAIT, LET ME FINISH.

DID YOU JUST LOOK DOWN TO SEE IF

PEE WAS COMING OUT?

DID YOU?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT'S GREAT, AS COLIN SAID IN

MY INTRO 'CAUSE I WANTED HIM TO,

AH, YEAH, I AM A LESBIAN AND I

ACTUALLY HAVE A PARTNER, SHARON.

AND SHARON AND I EACH HAD

A CHILD.

SHARON HAD OUR FIRST CHILD,

HENRY, HE'S 7 AND I ADOPTED HIM

AND I HAD BEN AND HE'S TWO,

AND SHE ADOPTED HIM.

AND IT'S GREAT 'CAUSE EVERYONE'S

ALWAYS "OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVE

TWO KIDS WHICH PREGNANCY WAS

HARDER?"

AND I'M LIKE "THE FIRST ONE WAS

A BREEZE.

I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING,

DIDN'T GAIN ANY WEIGHT,

MY TITS DIDN'T...

BUT, UH...

WE USED AN ANONYMOUS SPERM

DONOR, WHICH I KNOW IS VERY

FASCINATING TO A LOT OF PEOPLE

SO PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING

TO GET INFORMATION OUT OF ME

BY ASKING ME THE STUPIDEST

QUESTIONS.

SO A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I WAS

WITH THE BABY AND THIS WOMAN

COMES UP TO ME AND GOES

"OH, MY GOD, HE IS SO CUTE.

NOW WHO DO YOU THINK HE LOOKS

LIKE?"

I'M LIKE "YOUR HUSBAND, OKAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

ASS(BLEEP).

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

BUT IT'S TOUGH, IT'S REALLY

TOUGH RAISING THE KIDS.

YOU KNOW, GREG WAS TALKING ABOUT

IT.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE CUTE AND THEN

THEY GET ANNOYING.

I CAN'T STAND IT.

HENRY, THE OLDER ONE, HE'S SEVEN

NOW.

HE'S SITTING ON THE COUCH THE

OTHER DAY, HE'S INTO THIS THING

WHERE HE IGNORES ME.

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE.

SO HE'S SITTING ON THE COUCH AND

I'M LIKE "HENRY, HENRY, HENRY,

HENRY, HENRY, HENRY"-- NOTHING.

SO I FINALLY I YELL HIS NAME.

THEN HE GOES "CAN'T YOU SEE

I'M DOING SOMETHING?!

WHAT ARE YOU DEAF?!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I SAID "FIRST OF ALL,

YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT,

AND SECOND OF ALL IT'S

'WHAT, ARE YOU BLIND?'

OKAY?"

IDIOTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.

BUT, UM...

NO, IT'S GREAT.

HENRY'S DEFINITELY STRAIGHT.

YOU CAN KIND OF TELL.

I REALIZE HE IS GOING TO TOTALLY

USE THIS WHOLE TWO-MOM THING TO

GET GIRLFRIENDS, I SWEAR TO GOD,

WHEN HE GETS OLDER.

"YOU KNOW, I REALLY UNDERSTAND

WOMEN.

I HAVE TWO MOMS.

CAN YOU DO ME RIGHT NOW?"

ALRIGHT, GREAT, THAT FEELS

GREAT.

I MEAN, REALLY, I KNOW WHAT YOU

ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW AND I--

BUT I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE HAS

TWO JEWISH MOTHERS AND THAT

WOULD REALLY MAKE ME WANT TO

KILL MYSELF, BUT, I KNOW, SAD.

YEAH, MY MOTHER--

JEWISH MOTHER-- VERY SUPPORTIVE

OF MY RELATIONSHIP.

I CAN NEVER FORGET WHEN HENRY

WAS BORN, SHE DIDN'T KNOW HOW

TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER FRIENDS SO

SHE--

I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS WHAT SHE

USED TO SAY TO PEOPLE.

[THICK JEWISH ACCENT]

"UH, JUDITH'S ROOMMATE HAD A

BABY AND THAN JUDITH ADOPTED

HIM."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, MA, WE WERE SPLITTING

THE RENT SO I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,

I SHOULD PROBABLY PAY FOR HALF

OF THE KID.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

OUT OF HER MIND?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHE LOVES THE KIDS THOUGH.

IT'S SO FUNNY.

WE GO TO HER HOUSE AND SHE DOES

NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE

KIDS.

SO I SWEAR TO GOD A COUPLE OF

WEEKS AGO WE GO TO HER HOUSE

AND WE WALK IN AND SHE'S SITTING

IN SOME ROOM DEPRESSED,

ANYWAY HENRY WALKS IN, HE'S LIKE

"HEY, GRANDMA".

BEN'S RUNNING AROUND CHASING HIM

AROUND, I'M CHASING AFTER HIM,

AND I HEAR HENRY AND MY MOTHER

HAVING A GREAT TIME AND I'M LIKE

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?"

I WALK IN AND THEIR TAKING

EACH OTHER'S BLOOD PRESSURE,

OKAY, HOW PSYCHOTIC IS THAT,

THAT SHE THINKS THAT'S AN

ACTIVITY TO DO WITH YOUR

GRANDCHILD?

I MEAN SHE'S COMPLETELY OUT OF

HER MIND.

THOSE ARE THE JEWS.

YOU KNOW WHA