Pete Holmes - Dropped a Dog Pt. 1

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 101 05/12/2013 Views: 19,039

Pete Holmes learns the hard way that dogs and cats have to be handled differently. (2:29)

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I'm a dumb man, though, I'm adummy.

I recently dropped a dog.

Oh, that's okay.

I hear the empathy noise.

I didn't wound a dog.

That would be--that would be crazy

if I was like, Okay,show's going pretty good.

What next?

I killed a dog.

[laughter]

You know those thingseveryone loves?

I ended one.

I wouldn't tell you guysif I did that.

I would save thatfor my serial killer journal.

Just like, "Could manbe so sweet?"

[laughter]

Is that just me?That's the craziest thing

about serial killers,is the journaling.

I understand killing somepeople, but who wants to go home

like, "Big day."

[laughter]

Take it easy,Doogie Howser.

You killeda lot of people today.

Take it easy.

So I dropped a dog.I didn't know you can't.

Did you know?

Maybe there's one personI'm helping.

You can't drop dogs.

If you want to put a dog down,

they're like little old people.

They need help.They have arthritis and joints.

They're like, "Ah, be gentle."

You gotta be gentle.

If you want to put a dog down,

you have to kneelas if before a king

and lay it down.

If there's mud,put your jacket down.

They need our help.

I was raised with cats.

[bleep] you can bowl a cat.

Do you understand?

You can't hurt a cat.

They're infallible.They're like the Pope

or a pharaoh.You can't hurt a cat.

You can pick up a catany way you want.

You can grab a cat by the fatbehind its neck.

It'll yield to that movefrom its youth

straight up with that lookon its face like,

"This is degrading us both."

I'm 6'6".

That's like a kitty catskyscraper.

I'll go as high as I want,

give it a little bendto the knee,

a hoist into the air.

Cat's cool, baby.He's unfazed.

He doesn't even blink.Do cats blink?

He doesn't even blink.

He'll just do13 kitty cat somersaults,

smoke a tiny cat cigarette,

land on all fours,be like,

"[bleep] yourself.I'm a cat."

[applause]

He'll disappearinto a nearby shrub.

You won't see himfor two months.

He'll be fine.He'll forage for himself.

He'll come backon a rainy Thursday

covered in lo mein just like,"I've returned.

"Not because I like you,

but because I chooseto come back."

That's how I like my love,from women and from cats.

I like to earn it.I like to earn it.

When a cat meets you,he's like, "Die."

Then you work up to that purr.That purr means something.

People are like,"My dog loves me."

I'm like, "Yeah, but your dogwould also love a bag of sticks

with your T-shirt on it,you know what I mean?"

Scram.