Patton Oswalt - Amsterdam

  • Season 2 , Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 23,312

For a minute, Patton Oswalt's life rocked. (3:20)

THIS IS A TERRIFIC CITY

BUT IT DOES NOT HOLD A CANDLETO AMSTERDAM.

I WENT TO AMSTERDAM LAST YEAR.

HAS ANYBODY EVER BEEN THERE?

OH, MAN!

I WAS LIKE TEMPLETON THE RATIN CHARLOTTE'S WEB

JUST RUNNING AROUND:

"OH, HOOKERS AND POT!"

IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

AND BEING, LIKE, A TYPICALAMERICAN JACKASS

I DECIDED TO GO TO THE COFFEESHOPS AND GET A LITTLE MARIJUANA

UM, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHATAMERICANS DO.

SO, UM... AND I WAS LIKEGOLDILOCKS.

I WAS SO SELECTIVE.

THIS SHOP'S TOO NEW WAVE.

THIS ONE'S TOO REGGAE.

AND I FOUND THE PERFECT SHOP.

IT WAS CALLED "THE DOLPHIN"ON THE KEIZERSGRACHT.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNEWIT WAS PERFECT?

'CAUSE THE MIX TAPEWHEN I WENT IN--

SUPERGRASS, ELVIS COSTELLOAND THE BEASTIE BOYS--

THE HOLY TRIUMVIRATE!

SO, NOW, THE STORY THAT

I'M GOING TO HAVETO TELL IS TRUE.

THIS ALL HAPPENED...

AND I WISH IT DIDN'T...

'CAUSE IT SOUNDS FAKE.

BUT THIS ALL HAPPENED THE WAYI'M ABOUT TO DESCRIBE IT.

I... IT SOUNDS VERY ZEMECKIS,BUT IT'S REAL.

AND KEEP IN MIND THAT IT'S 4:30IN THE AFTERNOON

WHEN THIS HAPPENS

WHICH MEANT IT WAS 8:30 INTHE MORNING BACK IN LOS ANGELES.

SO PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND.

SO I GO IN AND, UH...I ASK TO SEE THE POT MENU.

NOW, WHEN YOU GOINTO THE COFFEE SHOPS

AND YOU WANT TO SEE THE POT MENU

THEY EITHER BRING OUTA THREE-RING BINDER

WITH THEM ALL IN POCKETS

OR IN THIS CASE,SHE BROUGHT OUT THIS TACKLE BOX

THAT SHE OPENED LIKEA FLOWER OF JOY.

AND...

SO I'M LOOKING AT ALL THESE.

AND I'M TRYING TO BEALL DEREK FLINT, MATT HELM

INTERNATIONAL COOL, LIKE:

THE THAI LOOKS A LITTLE SHAGGY

I DON'T KNOW... YEAH.

OF COURSE, INSIDE, I'M LIKE...

( wild laughter )

WHOO!

SO...

FINALLY, I SAY, "LOOK, I'M NOTGOING TO DO ANYTHING

"FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS

"SO JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING

THAT'S GOING TO GETRIGHT ON TOP OF MY BOO-BOO."

AND SHE SAID, "YOU WANT THEWHITE WIDOW FROM AFGHANISTAN."

SO, I GO, "YEAH, I'LL TAKETHE WHITE WIDOW."

NOW SHE SHOULD HAVEWARNED ME, THOUGH

THE BEST MARIJUANA YOU SMOKEIN THE UNITED STATES

YOU MAY AS WELL BESMOKING SHOELACES

COMPARED TO THE STUFFTHEY HAVE OVER THERE.

AND THE BUD SHE SELECTED FOR ME

LEFT ITS PARENTS ON KRYPTON,ALL RIGHT?

SO SHE... STARTS... MAKING...

LIKE, SHE GOES,"I CAN PUT IT IN A COOKIE

I CAN MAKE TEA ORI CAN ROLL YOU A JOINT."

AND I SAID,"YOU CAN ROLL ME A JOINT."

SO... SHE...

STARTS ROLLING THIS JOINT

AND TO GIVE YOU AN IDEAOF THE CARE AND CONCERN

AND CRAFTSMANSHIPTHAT WENT INTO MY JOINT

UM, JUST AS SHE BEGAN ROLLING IT

QUEEN'S "WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS"STARTED PLAYING ON THE MIX TAPE.

THAT'S WHAT STARTED PLAYING!

IT TOOK HER THE ENTIRE SONGTO ROLL IT.

THE ENTIRE SONG!

SHE WAS TAKING OUTSTEMS AND SEEDS.

OH, ROLLING IT SO NICE. HI.

AND...

SO SHE'S, LIKE, ROLLING IT.

AND THEN SHE STARTS, LIKE,LICKING IT...

OH... TO SEAL IT.

LOOKING RIGHT AT ME.

I WENT... HI...

( gibberish )

AND...

IT'S 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOONIN AMSTERDAM.

WHICH MEANT IT WAS 8:30IN THE MORNING BACK IN L.A.

IF I HAD KEPT MY WRITING JOB

ON THIS SKETCH SHOWI USED TO BE ON

I WOULD JUST THEN BE WAKING UPTO GO IN

AND PITCH SKETCHES THATI DON'T WANT TO WRITE.

LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW

"HOW ABOUT 'MIDNIGHT

IN THE OLIVE GARDENOF GOOD AND EVIL?'

AW, WHAT? COME ON!"

INSTEAD, I'M IN AMSTERDAMIN A COFFEE SHOP

WHERE THIS BLONDE,NORDIC GIANTESS

IS CAREFULLY LICKINGMY JOINT CLOSED

WHILE QUEEN'S "WE ARE THECHAMPIONS" PLAYS ON A MIX TAPE.

MY LIFE ROCKED!

( applause and cheers )

FOR A MINUTE!

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