Nick DiPaolo - Cell Phones

Tough Crowd Stands Up with Colin Quinn Season 1, Ep 0101 12/08/2002 Views: 5,409

Nick wants the "Friends and Family With Matching Bone Marrow" plan. (1:23)

YOU GUYS ARE A NICE CROWD

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T HEARD

A CELL PHONE YET.

I JUST BOUGHT MY FIRST CELL

PHONE.

I WAS THE LAST GUY IN THE

COUNTRY TO FALL FOR THIS SCAM.

I HAD BETTER RECEPTION ON MY

CB RADIO I MADE OUT OF WOOD

IN HIGH SCHOOL IN 1978.

I'M TALKING TO MY BUDDY

YESTERDAY AND IT'S LIKE...

[MAKES STATIC NOISE]

I'M LIKE "YOU'RE STILL

IN EUROPE" AND HE SAID,

"NO, I'M IN YOUR (BLEEP)

DRIVEWAY".

[LAUGHTER]

I'M PAYING MY PHONE COMPANY A

HUNDRED BUCKS A MONTH TO GIVE ME

BRAIN CANCER, YOU KNOW.

"WHAT LISTING PLEASE?"

"SLOAN-KETTERING HOSPITAL,

I GOT A LUMP ON MY NUT THE SIZE

OF FUDGEY THE WHALE...

[LAUGHTER]

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY PLAN

PLEASE?"

"WHAT PLAN DO YOU WANT?"

"HOW ABOUT THE FRIENDS AND

FAMILY WITH MATCHING BONE

MARROW?

DO YOU HAVE THAT PLAN?"

[LAUGHTER]

[WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

THESE PHONES DON'T EVEN RING

ANYMORE; THEY PLAY LIKE THE

NATIONAL ANTHEM, YOU KNOW?

I'M ON THE BUS YESTERDAY

AND THIS GUYS PHONE RANG LIKE

THREE TIMES, HALF OF US STOOD UP

FOR OUR GOLD MEDALS, YOU KNOW

WHAT I'M SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU ARE IN A CAR

AND YOU'RE AT A RED LIGHT AND

SOMEBODY'S CROSSING THE STREET

ON A CELL PHONE.

AND THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN AND

YOU BEEP AND THEY IGNORE YOU

LIKE THEY DON'T HEAR YOU.

AND YOU BEEP AGAIN AND THEY

IGNORE YOU, AND THEN YOU GUN IT

AND RUN THEM OVER.

AND STICK THEM UNDER THE BACK

TIRE AND THEN YOU GO, CAN YOU

HEAR ME NOW?

[LAUGHTER]