Tom Segura - Little People

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 21,328

Tom Segura feels totally comfortable telling the audience that he doesn't like midgets. (3:07)

I THINK, IN LIFE, YOUCAN ONLY REALLY COMMENT

ON THINGS YOU'VE EXPERIENCED--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IF I TELL YOU,

"YOU GOTTA GO EAT AT THISRESTAURANT-- "IT'S GREAT."

AND YOU GO THERE AND YOU'RELIKE, "IT WAS HORRIBLE."

I CAN'T REALLYARGUE WITH YOU,

BECAUSE YOU HADYOUR OWN EXPERIENCE.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL TOTALLYCOMFORTABLE TELLING YOU

THAT I DON'T LIKEMIDGETS... AT ALL.

[audience laughing]

I DON'T LIKE THEM, BECAUSETHEY'RE ALWAYS IN A BAD MOOD.

I DON'T KNOW IFIT'S THE DRINKING

OR JUST BEINGDOWN THERE,

BUT THEY AREALWAYS IN A BAD--

THEY'RE ALWAYSWITH THERE...

[indistinct]

WHICH I FINDKIND OF BIZARRE,

BECAUSE THEY WALK LIKETHERE'S A REALLY HAPPY SONG

PLAYING IN THEIRHEAD, YOU KNOW?

[audience laughing]

SO, USUALLY,WHEN I SEE A MIDGET,

I'M LIKE, "MAYBE,HE'LL JUGGLE"-- HE WON'T.

[audience laughing]

HE'S NOT GONNA DOANYTHING COOL, AT ALL.

I WAS DOING THIS SHOW,AND I DID SOME MIDGET JOKES,

AND EVERYBODY LIKESMIDGET JOKES, RIGHT?

RIGHT-- NO-- WRONG.

MIDGETS DON'TLIKE MIDGET JOKES.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THEREWAS A MIDGET IN THE AUDIENCE,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVEEYES ON MY HIPS, OKAY?

[audience laughing]

SO...

I DID THE-- I DID THEJOKES, DID THE SHOW.

I FINISH-- I GO TOTALK TO THE BARTENDER.

I'M FACING AWAY-- I'M TALKINGTO THE BARTENDER LIKE THIS,

AND A MIDGET COMESUP BEHIND ME,

OR I THINK IT'S A MIDGET,BECAUSE I CAN FEEL...

[indistinct]

[audience laughing]

LIKE HEREAND HERE AND HERE.

SO I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT--THERE'S A MIDGET BEHIND ME,

"AND HE'S VERYUPSET RIGHT NOW."

SO I START TO BACK UP.

AND HE'S LIKE... [indistinct]AND I'M LIKE, "SPIT IT OUT!"

AND HE GOES, "YOU KNOW,YOU SHOULDN'T SAY 'MIDGET.'

"YOU SHOULDN'TSAY 'MIDGET.'

"YOU SHOULD SAY'LITTLE PEOPLE.'

"YOU SHOULDN'TSAY 'MIDGET.'"

"AND I'M LIKE'WHY NOT?'"

AND HE GOES,"'CAUSE SAYIN' 'MIDGET'

"IS LIKE SAYING'[deleted].'"

AND I WASLIKE, "WHOA!

[audience laughing]

FIRST OF ALL,WE'RE BOTH WHITE,

[audience laughing]

"AND IF SOMEBODY HEARS YOU,I'M NOT PROTECTING YOU.

[audience laughing]

"SECONDLY, IT'SNOT THE SAME THING,

"BECAUSE OUR ANCESTORS DIDN'TOWN MIDGETS-- ALL RIGHT?

[audience laughing]

"NOT UNLESS THEY WON SOMECRAZY HIGH STAKES POKER GAME

"THAT WAS, LIKE, 'I'M GOIN' ALLIN... PLUS THE COURT JESTERS!'"

[audience laughing]

NOW I WISH THEY DID--I WISH MY PARENTS WERE LIKE,

"TOM, YOUR GREAT, GREAT,GREAT, GREAT-GRANDFATHER,

"HE OWNED,LIKE, 40 MIDGETS."

[audience laughing]

BECAUSE I WOULD BE LIKE,"NO WAY-- DO WE STILL GET THEM?"

AND IF WE DID,I WOULD TAKE MY MIDGETS,

AND I WOULD PUT LITTLEBOWLS ON THEIR HEADS,

AND I WOULDFILL THEM

WITH DIFFERENT TYPESOF DIP AND SALSA,

AND I WOULD HAVETHEM WALK AROUND,

SO I COULD SCOOP OUTWHENEVER I FELT LIKE EATING.

[audience laughing]

"HEY, WANT SOME HUMUS!

"GET YOUR LITTLEASS OVER HERE!"

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