Nick DiPaolo - Good Service

  • Season 6, Ep 7
  • 06/02/2002
  • Views: 4,868

From hotels to The Gap, nobody gives a crap anymore. (2:16)

NICK DIPAOLO>> THE CONCEPT OF

GOOD SERVICE IS NULL AND VOID

IN THIS COUNTRY.

YOU NOTICE NOBODY GIVES A CRAP

ANYMORE?

I'M IN A HOTEL IN CLEVELAND

AND I ORDERED A MUSHROOM PIZZA,

THEY BROUGHT ME A GREEN PEPPER

BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE

MUSHROOM SOUNDS JUST LIKE

GREEN PEPPER.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M ALWAYS CONFUSING MUSHROOM

AND GREEN PEPPER.

I'M AT A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT

EATING GREEN PEPPERS TRYING TO

GET HIGH AND GETTING THE (BLEEP)

INSTEAD, YOU KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

THEN I ORDER FROM THE SAME PLACE

THE NEXT NIGHT, THEY BRING ME

THE RIGHT PIZZA THIS TIME,

THEY FORGET TO CUT IT.

I'M IN A HOTEL ROOM, IT'S FOUR

IN THE MORNING, AND I HAVE NO

SILVERWARE.

YOU EVER TRY TO EAT AN UNCUT

PIZZA?

IT'S LIKE AN 80 POUND RITZ

CRACKER.

I HAD THIRD DEGREE BURNS ON MY

FACE AND TITTIES BY THE TIME

I WAS DONE EATIN' THIS THING.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I CALL THE GUY UP, "HEY,

THANKS FOR THE MOZZARELLA THROW

RUG, I APPRECIATE THAT"

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I CAN'T GET SERVICE ANYWHERE,

MAN.

I HAD TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY

ROOM.

I STEPPED ON A NAIL IN MY

APARTMENT.

YOU GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM,

YOU NEED IMMEDIATE CARE,

WHAT DO THEY MAKE YOU DO WHEN

YOU GET THERE?

AUDIENCE>> WAIT.

NICK DIPAOLO>> WAIT.

I WAITED FOR ALMOST FOUR HOURS.

AND THIS NURSE COMES OUT WITH

THIS PISSY ATTITUDE, "HOW YOU

GONNA PAY FOR THIS?"

I SAID, "AH, WITH MY (BLEEP)

LIFE IF YOU DON'T PICK UP THE

PACE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M BLEEDING LIKE TED KENNEDY'S

LIVER, CAN I GET A BAND-AID?

THANK YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY THERE'S A

LONG LINE IN THE WAITING ROOM

BUT THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME

IS BEING TREATED FOR A MUSKET

WOUND.

(LAUGHTER)

"HOW'D YOU HURT YOUR BACK?"

"AH, FELL OFF THE TROJAN HORSE."

"REALLY?"

THE HEAD NURSE COMES OUT, "IS

THERE A JOHN QUINCY ADAMS HERE?

YOUR FATHER'S GOING TO BE FINE,

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

(LAUGHTER)

NOBODY'S QUALIFIED TO DO THEIR

JOB.

I WENT TO THE GAP TO BUY JEANS

LAST WEEK.

THAT USED TO BE A FIVE-MINUTE

CHORE.

NOW THEY GAVE THE SAME PAIR

A JEANS A THOUSAND DIFFERENT

NAMES.

THE KID KNEW LESS ABOUT IT

THEN I DID.

HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.

YOU WANT TO TRY ON THE EASY

FITTING JEANS?"

"NO, BRING ME THE MOST DIFFICULT

PAIR OF PANTS YOU HAVE.

SOMETHING WITH THIRTEEN LEG

HOLES, AND THE ZIPPER WELDED

SHUT.

I WANT TO PISS MYSELF AT

HAPPY HOUR TONIGHT."

HE TALKED ME INTO BUYING

BUTTON FLY JEANS.

THAT'S WHAT I NEED AFTER

TWENTY BEERS, A DEXTERITY TEST,

YA KNOW?

(LAUGHTER)

I'M WALKIN' AROUND A NIGHT CLUB

WITH A BIG WET RING ON MY PANTS,

"HI, HOW ARE YOU?

I FORGOT THE COMBINATION ON MY

SLACKS."

THANKS A LOT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A NICE CROWD.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

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