Uncensored - Dane Cook - Sandwich Construction

Dane Cook: ISolated INcident Season 1, Ep 1 05/17/2009 Views: 16,257

How can Dane say everything what he doesn't want on his sandwich when he doesn't know what's supposed to be there in the first place? (2:14)

THERE'S ONLY REALLYBEEN ONE TIME

IN MY LIFE,AND IT WAS RECENTLY,

THAT--ACTUALLY,IT WAS WITH A WAITRESS,

AND SHE FROZE MY BRAIN.

IT WAS REALLY INTERESTINGTHE WAY SHE DID THIS.

SHE FROZE MY BRAIN.SHE ASKED ME--

I HAD NEVER EATENAT THIS RESTAURANT BEFORE,

AND SHE ASKED ME A QUESTION

THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLEFOR ME TO ANSWER.

IT WAS ALMOST A RIDDLE.AND IT WAS SO SIMPLE.

I'D NEVER EATEN THERE.

I DIDN'T LOOK AT THE MENUBECAUSE I KNEW WHAT I WANTED.

I KNEW I WANTEDA TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH.

AND I LIKE THREE THINGSON A TURKEY CLUB.

I LIKE LETTUCE, MAYONNAISE,AND CHEESE. VERY SIMPLE.

SHE FINALLY COMES OVER TO ME,

AND SHE'S NOT IN A GOOD MOODALREADY, RIGHT,

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE WAITRESSESTHAT LIKE,

SHE'S BLAMING MEFOR THE FACT THAT SHE'S SO BUSY.

RIGHT, EVEN WHEN I SAT,SHE WAS LIKE,

"I NEED A MINUTE, PLEASE."

I WAS LIKE,"I DIDN'T DO THIS.

I DON'T TRAVEL WITH A GANGOF 40 PEOPLE."

SHE FINALLY COMES OUT,SHE GOES,

"YES, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT?"RIGHT?

AND SO I'M KIND OF RUSHED,BUT I LOOK AT HER,

AND I SAID, "YEAH, COULD I HAVEA TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH

AND COULD I GET THATWITH ONLY LETTUCE, MAYONNAISE--"

RIGHT THERE, SHE RUDELYINTERRUPTS ME AND GOES,

"YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELLME WHAT YOU DON'T WANT ON IT?"

I'M SITTING THERE,AND I'M FROZEN.

HERE'S THE THING. I KNOW NOWWHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THEN.

WHAT I KNOW NOWIS I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT THE [BLEEP]WAS ON THE SANDWICH

TO KNOW WHAT I DIDN'T WANTON THE SANDWICH.

SO I WAS SITTING THERE,

JUST TRYING TO KNOWTHE INGREDIENTS OF A SANDWICH.

AND THEN I THOUGHTOF THE QUESTION,

I GOT A LITTLE BIT PISSED OFFAND EMBARRASSED.

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DON'T I WANTON THE--

"THERE'S A LOT OF THINGSI DON'T WANT ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT FOLIAGEON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT RUST OR ANY OTHERALLOY ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT A POLICEMAN'SBADGE ON THE SANDWICH.

"I DON'T WANT FISHHOOKS

OR MY GRANDMOTHER'S EYESON THE SANDWICH."

WHAT AN ASS-BACKWARDS WAYOF GOING INTO ANYTHING.

WHAT IF THAT WAS CUSTOMERSERVICE RIGMAROLE ALL THE TIME?

"YEAH, COULD I GET A COACH CLASSTICKET FOR THE FLIGHT?"

"YEAH, IS THERE ANYTHINGYOU DON'T WANT ON THE FLIGHT?"

"YEAH, I DON'T WANT FIREON THE FLIGHT.

"I DON'T WANT RABID DOGS RUNNINGAROUND, NIPPING AT PEOPLE.

"I DON'T WANT PEOPLE OPENINGAND CLOSING UMBRELLAS

"NEAR MY GODDAMN EYES.

"I DON'T WANT A SURLY CHARACTERSITTING NEXT TO ME

"PRAYING TO A GODTHAT'S NOT MY GOD

"IN AN ANGRY FASHION.

"I DON'T WANT THE CAPTAIN COMINGOUT OF THE COCKPIT GOING,

"'I HATE MY [BLEEP] LIFE!'

'WELL, THAT'S NOT GOOD.'"

THE POINT IS, I WANT LETTUCE,MAYONNAISE AND CHEESE

ON A TURKEY CLUB, THANKS.