has destroyedcuriosity forever.
Because we used to be ableto enjoy the concept of wonder
for longer than a second.
It used to be that the only waywe could find out
what anyone thoughtabout us
was if we ask them,or guessed.
Those days are finishedforever now,
because you can justtype your own name into Google
and deal with the consequencesof that decision.
Before I came out here tonightI thought,
Let's try a littleexperiment.
So I wrote into Google,"John Oliver is,"
and then let it auto-correctthe most popular responses.
That was a huge[BLEEP] mistake.
Because I cannot "un-see"what I saw in that moment.
These were the topthree most popular results
on Googlewhen you write that in.
Result number one:
"John Oliveris not funny."
Result number one!
This is my [BLEEP] job!
If I'm not funny,this is pointless.
It's just me spewing off
a series of factuallyinaccurate statements,
and then pausingfor silence.
Result number twowas this:
"John Oliver is Jewish."
Here's the thingabout that.
I'm not actually Jewish.
I just like the look.
But that's not the point.
That's not the point,is it?
I love what they've donewith their facial features,
and I've tried to emulate thatas much as I can since puberty.
And it's gone very well.
It's objectivelygone very well.
I don't want to arguewith how well it's gone,
because it's gone great.
And finally,result number three--
I swear to youthis is true.
--was this:"John Oliver is a Smurf."
A Smurf. A Smurf.
That's the third most popularresult on the Internet
of my time on this earth.
That is the legacymy lifetime will leave history.
That's what my gravestonewill read.
"John Oliver: not funny, maybeJewish, definitely a Smurf."
That's my life!