Uncensored - Dane Cook - Text Arguments

Troublemaker Season 1, Ep 101 01/25/2015 Views: 12,776

Dane Cook reveals why men will never win a text message argument. (1:59)

Talk to the guys.

I want to talk to the fellowsfor a second, the men.

The boys in the crowd.

How you guys doing, good?

[cheering]

What the fuck ever, you know?

I want to help you right now.

I want to help youin your relationship.

I want to help you toend it, you know, clean.

But here's a couplethings that you need

to know right awayin the interim, OK?

That you need to realize.

Number one.

Guys, you'll never--you're never,

ever going to win a textargument with a girl.

[laughter]

It's never going to happen.

They will always win,100% of the time.

So I want you to justgive up on it now.

Don't even get involved.

A couple of reasons why.

First of all, girlstype fuckin' fast.

[laughter]

Right?

We're two sentences in.

I was not late yesterday.

And then you see thethree dots come up.

[laughter]

The three dots of, I'mnot finished up here.

She already had herturn, but the dots-- so

now you're under the gun.

You've got to getyours out fast.

And of course, that's whenauto-correct changes the word

"yesterday" to like,"Neanderthal," a word that

has nothing to dowith yesterday.

Nothing.

Yesteryears, potentially.

[laughter]

You're fours sentencesin, and then she

sends like-- whoosh-- shesends a manifesto.

Right?

So much informationcomes through your phone.

Your phone gets hot!

It drops to 54% batterylife immediately,

from a full fucking charge!

[cheering]

Why?

Because the Constitutionof Megan just came through.

You can't even enjoy your reply.

Because she has sent somuch information that now

you have to uselike legal document

terms for our rebuttal.

Right?

You've got to be like, inconjunction with Section 3,

Area 5 of the thirdscroll, you're a bitch!