I QUITTED.I QUITTED.
NO. NO. NO. NO.NO. NO. NO. NO.
YOU'RE TOO NICE.
I'LL PROBABLYSTART AGAIN TOMORROW,
SO DON'T--SAVE IT.
I DIDN'T QUIT FOR HEALTH.
I QUIT--ACTUALLY,MOST PEOPLE QUIT FOR HEALTH,
AND I FEEL HEALTHIER,BUT I QUIT
BECAUSE I'M SO TIRED OF HEARINGBAD NEWS ABOUT CIGARETTES.
BECAUSE THAT'S ALLYOU EVER HEAR.
EVEN IF THEY DISCOVER GOOD NEWS,THEY DON'T PUBLICIZE IT,
LIKE THE FACT
THAT SMOKING SERIOUSLY REDUCESTHE RISK OF JOGGING.
BAD NEWS, THOUGH,RIGHT AWAY.
YOU'LL HEAR BAD NEWSALL THE TIME.
THE BAD NEWS--I BET YOU ALREADYHEARD THE LATEST.
AND IF YOU DIDN'T,
BETTER TO HEAR FROM MESURROUNDED BY FRIENDS,
'CAUSE IT AIN'T GOOD NEWSAS USUAL.
YOU KNOW THE LITTLE CAMELON THE PACK OF CIGARETTES?
YEAH?
THEY JUST FOUND OUTTHAT'S NOT EVEN A CAMEL.
IT'S ACTUALLY A HORSEWITH A BIG OLD TUMOR
GROWING OUT OF ITS BACK.
[laughter]
I KNOW.
I KNOW IT'S SAD,BUT AT LEAST THAT EXPLAINS
WHY IT'S ALWAYS IN THE DESERTBY ITSELF, YOU KNOW.
[in Indian accent]"I TELL YOU,WE CAN'T AVOID CHEMOTHERAPY.
"PUT THAT BEASTOUT IN THE DESERT
"AND TAKE ME BACKTO INDIA.
"THIS IS EGYPT,I TELL YOU.
"I DON'T BELONG HERE.
YOU'RE USING THE WRONG ACCENTFOR THIS JOKE."
[laughter]
AND MAYBE I AM, HUH?
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DOAN EGYPTIAN ACCENT, DO I?
BUT I MEAN, I USED TO SMOKE,AND I LIKED IT,
BUT I COULDN'TENJOY A WHOLE CIGARETTE
JUST 'CAUSE I'D GETLIKE TWO PUFFS INTO IT,
AND THEN I THOUGHT--IT ALL CAME BACK TO ME.
ALL THE YEARS OF HEARINGHOW BAD IT IS FROM PARENTS,
TEACHERS, BROCHURES,T.V., ANIMALS.
IT ALL CAME BACK,AND IT JUST--
I'VE HEARD FOR TOO MANY YEARSHOW IT'S HARMFUL,
AND I CAN'T ENJOY IT.
YOU KNOW, I COULD HAVE ENJOYEDA CIGARETTE IF I SMOKED BACK,
LIKE, BEFORE EVERYONEKNEW IT WAS BAD,
LIKE SAY, LIKE, 1923.
EVERYBODY SMOKED BACK THEN.
THEY ALL SMOKED,
BECAUSE THERE WAS NOMEDICAL INFORMATION AGAINST IT.
THEY HAD NO IDEAIT WAS BAD FOR YOU.
SO IT WAS--IT WAS A SMOKER'S PARADISE,
JUST--"OH, THIS IS GREAT.
"I LOVE SMOKING.TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
HEY, PHIL,HOW ARE YOU DOING, BUDDY?"
"NOT TOO GOOD.
"THEY'RE TAKING MY LUNG OUTNEXT WEEK.
"I DON'T KNOW WHY.
"THE DOCTOR THINKS MAYBEI'M BRUSHING MY TEETH TOO OFTEN,
"BUT I CAN'T HELP IT,
"'CAUSE FOR SOME REASONMY BREATH SMELLS