Hannibal Buress - Jaywalking

05/20/12 Views: 21,560

After jaywalking across the street in Montreal, Hannibal Buress mouths off to a trio of Canadian policemen. (2:30)

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I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET INMONTREAL.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'VE JAYWALKED SO MANY TIMESIN MY LIFE.

IT'S SUCH AN EASY THINGTO TIME OUT.

IS THERE A CAR COMING?NO?

LET ME GET ACROSS THEN.

I'VE DONE IT THOUSANDSOF TIMES.

BUT THIS TIME IT WAS MEAND THIS OLD LADY.

WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER.

WE WEREN'T TOGETHER LIKE THAT,

BUT IF WE WERE, SO WHAT?

MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

I JUST MET Y'ALL.

SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY,WE GET ACROSS THE STREET,

THEN A MONTREAL COPAPPROACHES US,

SPEAKING IN FRENCH.

[imitating French]

FRENCH.

[laughter]

I SAID, "HEY, MAN,I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

"THAT'S NOT HOW I TALK.

CAN YOU TALK TO MEHOW I TALK?"

THAT PROBABLY WASN'TTHE BEST WAY

TO START OFF OUR INTERACTION,

BY MOCKING HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE,BUT WHO CARES?

I TAKE RISKS IN LIFE.

AND HE SAYS,"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!"

AND I SAID,"SORRY ABOUT THAT."

AND I TRIED TO KEEP GOINGABOUT MY DAY.

'CAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'SHOW JAYWALKING WAS HANDLED

AS A CRIME--

"YOU WERE JAYWALKING!""MY BAD.

"WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?THAT'S IT.

"I ACKNOWLEDGEDTHAT I JAYWALKED, I APOLOGIZED

"NOT FOR THE ACTOF JAYWALKING,

"BUT HOW MY JAYWALKINGMADE YOU FEEL.

"I'LL TRY NOT TO JAYWALK IN THEFUTURE WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING,

"BUT TRUST I'M GONNA DO ITTHE REST OF MY LIFE.

IT'S THE BEST WAY TO GOABOUT BEING A PEDESTRIAN."

[laughter]

AND HE SAYS, "NO, I HAVETO GIVE YOU A TICKET.

GIVE ME YOUR I.D."

I SAID,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"I ONLY GIVE PEOPLEMY I.D. FOR REAL STUFF.

"THIS IS NOT REAL.THIS IS A FANTASY CRIME

"THAT YOU'RE ENFORCINGTO COVER UP THE FACT

"THAT YOUR CITY IS HAVINGFINANCIAL PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

"THIS CITY IS BROKE,AND THEY PUT YOU OUT HERE

"WITH A QUOTA,AND THAT'S FINE.

"I WILL DONATE 60OF YOUR COLORFUL-ASS DOLLARS

"TO YOUR BROKE-ASS CITY.

BUT LET'S JUST DO IT LIKE THAT.NO PAPERWORK, AND IT'S GOOD."

GUESS WHAT.TWO MORE COPS SHOW UP.

NOW WE HAVETHREE MONTREAL POLICE OFFICERS

WORKING THIS HIGH-PROFILEJAYWALKING CASE.

THREE COPSFOR ME AND JAYWALKING.

FAIR ENOUGH.

I DECIDED DURING THE TIMEI WAS JUST GONNA TALK TRASH

TO THE COP STANDING CLOSESTTO ME 'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE HIM

OR WHAT HE REPRESENTS.

SO I JUST WANTEDTO MESS WITH HIM

AND SAY WHATEVER I COULD SAYTO MESS WITH HIM,

'CAUSE HE'S WASTING MY TIME,SO I SAY,

"HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH MONEYDO YOU MAKE A YEAR?"

WHICH IS A DOUCHEY THING TO DO,I'M AWARE.

BUT YOU KNOWWHAT ELSE IS DOUCHEY?

TO HAVE THREE COPS WORKINGA JAYWALKING TICKET.

THAT'S OVERKILL.I ONLY HAVE TWO LEGS.

THAT'S A COP AND A HALFPER LEG.

THAT'S A WASTEOF CITY FUNDS.

THAT'S WHY THEIR CITYIS BROKE NOW.

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