Dan Naturman - Weird Families

  • Season 9 , Ep 11
  • 04/14/2005
  • Views: 4,543

When you're a little kid, you never realize you're family's weird because they're all you know. (2:32)

BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

NO MATTER HOW MESSED UP YOUR

FAMILY IS, WHEN YOU'RE A

LITTLE KID YOU DON'T REALIZE

YOUR FAMILY IS WEIRD 'CAUSE

ALL YOU KNOW IS YOUR FAMILY.

YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL, I GUESS

THAT IS HOW EVERY FAMILY IS."

LIKE I REMEMBER ONE TIME WHEN

I WAS LITTLE, I WAS AT MY FRIEND

MIKE'S HOUSE FOR DINNER, RIGHT,

AND IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER

I TURNED TO HIM AND I SAID,

"HEY MIKE, THESE POTATOES ARE

UNDERCOOKED, YOU'RE MOTHER'S

IN FOR A BEATING LATER, HUH?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I FIGURED THEY WERE JUST

LIKE US.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, AND THEN MIKE SPILLS HIS

SODA AND I'M LIKE "RUN,

IT COULD GET UGLY."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE TELEVISION

GROWING UP.

MY FATHER THOUGHT TV WAS BAD

FOR YA.

SO WE PLAYED BOARD GAMES INSTEAD

LIKE TRIVIAL PURSUIT,

YOU REMEMBER THAT RIGHT?

MY WHOLE FAMILY WOULD GATHER

AROUND AND PLAY TRIVIAL PURSUIT.

TILL WE DISCOVERED THAT NOBODY

IN MY FAMILY COULD ANSWER ANY OF

THOSE QUESTIONS.

AND THEN WE HAD TO CHANGE

THE RULES TO SOMETHING WE COULD

HANDLE AND IT JUST BECAME

WHO COULD THROW THE PIECES THE

FARTHEST.

[LAUGHTER]

FOR THE BONUS ROUND EAT THE

PIECES.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY FATHER NEVER TALKED TO ME

ABOUT SEX.

WHO HERE HAD THEIR FATHER TALK

TO THEM ABOUT SEX, ANYBODY?

IT WAS NEVER DISCUSSED IN OUR

HOUSE.

EXCEPT BEFORE I WENT OFF TO

COLLEGE.

IT WAS THE ONLY TIME MY FATHER

TALKED TO ME ABOUT SEX.

HE SAT ME DOWN AND HE'S LIKE

"OKAY DAN, NOW YOU'RE GOING OFF

TO COLLEGE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIVING AWAY

FROM HOME IN A DORM SURROUNDED

BY A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

SO ANYWAY I GOT YOU SOMETHING

FROM THE DRUGSTORE.

I'M LIKE "NO, I KNOW ABOUT

CONDOMS" AND HE'S LIKE "NO,

NO ANTIDEPRESSANTS 'CAUSE, AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT COULD BE FRUSTRATING, YEAH,

ALL THOSE...

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

ALL RIGHT, KEEP IT GOING.

NOW, YOU KNOW I'LL TELL YOU

ONE THING ABOUT MY COLLEGE.

THEY GOT THE NERVE TO CALL ME UP

ASKING FOR MONEY.

ALL THESE YEARS LATER,

THAT'S THE MESSED UP THING

ABOUT COLLEGE, YOU SPEND ALL

THAT MONEY, YOU SPEND LIKE A

100,000 IN TUITION, YOU THINK

YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM, THEN FOR

THE REST OF YOUR LIFE THEY'RE

CALLING UP ASKING FOR MONEY.

NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT.

I SEE A MOVIE I DON'T GET A CALL

FROM THE THEATER THE NEXT DAY

YEAH, LIKE "WE'RE BUYING A NEW

PROJECTOR CAN YOU KICK IN A FEW

BUCKS?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE CALLING ALL THE

SPIDERMAN 2 ALUMNI TO SEE IF

THEY CAN...

AND THE MESSED UP THING IS

YOU NEVER USE ANY OF THAT CRAP

YOU LEARNED IN COLLEGE.

THEY TEACH YOU ALL KINDS OF

NONSENSE.

YOU NEVER USE ANY OF IT.

MY FRIEND WAS A SPANISH MAJOR

IN COLLEGE.

HE SPENT 20 GRAND A YEAR

TUITION, FOUR YEARS LEARNING

HOW TO SPEAK SPANISH.

THAT IS A WASTE OF MONEY 'CAUSE

ONE YEAR IN A MEXICAN PRISON

AND YOU'RE FLUENT.

ALL RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT DON'T COST YOU A CENT

EITHER AND YOU'RE GONNA STUDY

IN PRISON.

IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW THESE

COLLEGE STUDENTS DON'T STUDY.

YOU'RE IN A MEXICAN PRISON

AND YOU'RE GONNA HIT THE BOOKS

LEARNING SOME SPANISH 'CAUSE

SHOWER TIME IS COMING UP,

ALL RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO KNOW

A FEW PHRASES AT LEAST,

YOU KNOW, LIKE "DON'T PUT THAT

IN THERE PLEASE, PLEASE".

[LAUGHTER]

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