Greg Proops - Thanksgiving

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 06/18/1999
  • Views: 9,738

Once the pilgrims left, England became a lot more fun. (2:32)

IS ABOUT THANKSGIVING, RIGHT?

EVER SINCE YOU'RE LITTLEYOU'VE HEARD THIS--

"THE PILGRIMS LEFT ENGLAND

"TO ESCAPERELIGIMINOUS PERSECUTION

AND TO SNEAK RELIGIOUS FREEDOMIN THE NEW WORLD."

( laughter )

AND EVEN WHEN YOU'RE LITTLE,YOU'RE, LIKE

"UM... BULL ( bleep )."

( laughter )

"YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT,RIGHT?"

♪ 'CAUSE IT SOUNDSBETTER THAN THE TRUTH ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA-LA!

♪ IT SOUNDS BETTER,AND IT TASTES BETTER ♪

♪ SO WE'LL ALL PRETENDIT REALLY HAPPENED ♪

♪ THERE WERE NO WOMENOR MINORITIES ♪

♪ JUST A BUNCH OF WHITE GUYSWEARING WIGS... ♪

MY FEELING IS...

( laughter and applause )

THE PILGRIMS WERE

ASKED TO LEAVE ENGLAND.

ENGLAND WAS NEVER FUNNER

THAN WHEN THE PILGRIMSSPLIT, RIGHT?

THE PEOPLE OF ENGLANDGOT A LITTLE TIRED

OF THESE DOUR, RIGHT-WING,CONSERVATIVE, PSYCHO-CHRISTIANS

WEARING ALL BLACK,BUMMING PEOPLE OUT

CONFUSING EVERYONE BY WEARINGBUCKLES ON... THEIR HEADS.

( laughter )

"IS THAT TIGHT ENOUGHFOR YOU, COTTON?"

"YEA, VERILY."

FINALLY, SOMEONE WENT,"HEY, I'VE GOT A CRAZY IDEA.

"WHY DON'T YOUFREAKY LITTLE WEIRDOES

"GET IN A RICKETY, LEAKY,DINKY LITTLE BOAT

"AND GET THE ( bleep )OFF THE ISLAND, HUH?

( laughter )

"SAIL AROUNDTILL YOU HIT THE NEW WORLD.

"WHEN YOU GET THERE,COMMIT GENOCIDE

"ON THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE,ALL RIGHT?

"HAVE A GROOVY TIME.

"HAVE A WITCH TRIAL.

"LET US KNOWHOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

"WE'LL BE IN ENGLANDHAVING THE RENAISSANCE

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS US."

( laughter )

SO THEY SENDTHIS GROUP OVER, RIGHT?

WITH GUNS AND BIBLESAND NO FARMING IMPLEMENTS.

MM. HOW ENGLISH IS THAT?

"OH, SURELY,THERE'LL BE A SHOP OPEN.

( laughter )

"I SAY, SQUANTO

CAN YOU MAKE USSOME BAKED BEANS ON TOAST?"

( laughter )

THEY SEND THIS GROUP OVER

AND THEN I HAVE TO HEARTHIS ALL THE TIME IN ENGLAND.

"WELL, ALL AMERICANSARE FAT AND STUPID."

( goofy chuckling )

REALLY. WELL, THANKSFOR SENDING OVER

THE BEST AND BRIGHTESTTO START THE PARTY, HUH?

MAYBE WE COULD SEND A FEW FREAKY

TEXAS MILITIA, HATE-GROUP,GUN-TOTING WEIRDOES

BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY, HUH?

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

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