Dane Cook - Don't Cheat

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 42,217

Dane Cook and his 40-foot key cheat on his girlfriend. (2:03)

YOU CAN'T CHEAT.

I CHEATED WHEN I WASYOUNG AND STUPID.

HERE'S THE WORST PART.YOU CHEAT.

THAT DRIVE HOME.

SHE HAD THATGLITTERY [BLEEP] ON, TOO.

YOU KNOW THE GLITTER?

TRYING TO PICKTHAT [BLEEP] OFF.

IT'S LIKE THAT'SYOUR LITTLE THING.

IT'S LIKE...AWWW...YOU GOT IT ON YOU.

THERE'S A MILLION PIECES.

I LOOK LIKE A PIXIEDRIVING HOME--I'M SHINY.

HAD TO SNEAKINTO MY OWN HOUSE.

MY LOCK WAS NEVER LOUDER.

MY KEY FELT LIKE IT WAS,LIKE, 48 FEET LONG.

YOU'RE TRYING TO SN--YOU'RE PUTTING IT IN.

YOU'RE LIKE...[CLICKING]

♪ CHAKA KHAN

♪ CHAKA KHAN

TRY TO OPEN THE DOOR ALL QUIET.

[SQUEAKS]

HAD TO SNEAKINTO MY LIVING ROOM.

AND WE HAD THE HARDWOOD FLOORS.

THOSE FLOORS SUCK FOR CHEATING.

BECAUSE EVERY STEPYOU TAKE JUST TAUNTS YOU.

YOU KNOW,EVERY STEP, YOUR LIKE...

CHEATER.

LIAR.

HERPES. HERPES. HERPES.

YOU STAND ALL STILL.

SHE WAS GOOD TO YOU.

LIES.

YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETHWITH SHAMPOO.

I'M WASHING MY BALLS OFF

LIKE I'M GONNA PUT THEM UPFOR AUCTION ON E-BAY.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON NOW,LET'S GO.

"HOW ABOUTANOTHER LATHERING?"

"ONE MORE."

YOU SNEAK INTO...TRYING TO BE ALL QUIET.

GETTING INTO BED.AND THE BED'S LIKE, "HI!"

AND SHE WAKES UP.YOU GOT TO MAKE SOME EXCUSE.

OH, I WAS, I JUST,I WANTED TO CHECK OUTTHE SUNRISE.

I WANTED TO SKETCH IT.I WAS SKETCHING.

THE SUNRISE.I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

Loading...