Speaking of Batman,America's Joker has been having
a tough timeon the campaign trail recently.
-(whooping, applause)-And... it seems...
it seems like every womanhas accused him...
has accused him of shaking handswith their vaginas.
Paul Ryan asked someone elseto spot him at the gym,
and in the presidential race,his numbers have fallen faster
than Hillary at a 9/11 memorial.
At this rate,you realize Hillary
doesn't have to do anythingto beat Donald Trump.
She just hasto run out the clock.
She should just sit in a tree,like Rue in The Hunger Games,
just waiting for everythingto finish.
Just like Rue looking at Hillarygoing... (whistling a tune)
And Rue's like, "Stop pandering,Hillary. Stop it."
Now, there's a reason everythingis going wrong for Donald Trump.
Um, it's becausehe's a terrible man
who's done terrible things
and has a terrible planfor the country.
but... why is he really losing?
This whole electionis being rigged.
It's rigged likeyou've never seen before.
The whole thing is one big fix.
Our system is rigged.
You know it, they know it,I know it,
and pretty muchthe whole world knows it.
Yes, the whole world knows it.
If you went to a remote villagein Nigeria
and said, "What do you guys knowabout America?"
they'd say,"Your elections are rigged.
"And Chipotle makes you (bleep)for days.
That is what we know, ah?"
Just so you know,
Trump thinks everythingin the world is rigged.
For instance, in 2012,he thought Mitt Romney lost
because the election was rigged.
He also tweeted that theelectoral college wasn't legit.
And when The Apprentice lostthe Emmy to The Amazing Race,
he said that the whole processwas also rigged.
Which is just stupid.Of course it was going to win--
it had the word "amazing" in it.
You should have called your show The Amazing Apprentice.
That's your fault, Donald Trump.
And, now, obviously,making a claim
that a U.S. presidentialelection is rigged
is a very seriousand unprecedented thing to do.
And it poisons the well foranyone who becomes president.
But luckily, Trump has offeredspecific evidence
of these crimes.
Hillary Clinton meets in secretwith international banks
to plot the destructionof U.S. sovereignty.
O-Okay, wait.Okay, okay, wait, wait.
So let me get this straight.Uh, Hillary's been running
for 20 years
just so thatwhen she finally gets power
she can hand it overto the banks?
Clearly,you haven't met Hillary.
Hillary's been thirstyfor the White House so much
that every timeshe eats a turkey sandwich
she pardons it first.
She's been so thirstyfor the White House,
every Halloween she goesas the sitting president.
That's what she does.
And by the way,these past couple of years
have beena little tricky for her.
It's been a tough oneto pull off. By the way,
if you're not into vaguely anti-Semitic conspiracy theories,
don't worry, Trump hasa Choose Your Own Adventure
of who's rigging the election.
And one of his more popularstories is that black people
have stopped stealing stereosand now they're stealing votes.
We have to make sure that thiselection is not stolen from us
and is not taken away from us.
Go and watchthese polling places.
I hear too many storiesabout Pennsylvania.
And we can't lose an election
because ofyou know what I'm talking about.
Nicely played, Donald!
Yeah, if that speech was a car,
the N word wasright in the middle of the road
and Donald swerved around itat the last section.
"We can't lose an election
because ofyou know what I'm talking about!
You know! You know! You know.
Here's a quick question.
If you're genuinely tryingto warn America
about oneof the greatest scandals ever,
why wouldn't you just saywhat you're talking about?
Why would you allude to itand beat around the bush?
"Where?""You know where.
So he's blamed the banks,he's blamed the blacks,
but the thinghe's blamed the most
is the thinghe can't live without.
The election is being riggedby corrupt media.
The corrupt media is tryingto do everything in their power
to stop our movement.
The crookedHillary Clinton campaign...
...and the mainstream media,which they control,
and use quite viciously.
Oh, Donald Trump.
The media is not riggedagainst you.
They're just recording whatyou say and playing it back.
That's all it is.
(cheers and applause)
If anything, you're riggingyour own campaign.
Does Trump not realizethat he's the one on TV
saying the thingsthat make him look bad?
Maybe, you know,we laugh at him,
but maybe he doesn't realize.
Maybe he watches TV going,"Who's that guy?
He makes me look like (bleep)."
Like, maybe, maybe Donald Trumpis like those animals,
who don't recognize themselvesin a mirror.
(laughing):Trump is that gorilla.
Okay, I'm just kidding,I'm just kidding.
Trump is not a wild animal,come on.
Because if he was, his sonswould have killed him by now.
Seriously, Donald Trump,Donald Trump,
the media has given youbillions of dollars
of free air time--you realize that.
Billions of dollars.
How are they rigging itagainst...
Even your empty podium has beenon TV more than Gary Johnson
and Jill Stein combined.
Although, at least your podiumknows where Aleppo is.
Now, now we've got moreto cover, but unfortunately,
our show is riggedby advertisers.
So we've got to do that thing
where we go awayfor a little bit.
You know, you know whatI'm talking about.